IF MY BOY DOESN'T STRAIGHTEN HIS PANSY ASS UP SOON, I'M ENROLLING HIM IN THE FIGHT CLUB

I now COMPLETELY understand how a woman can drown her kids. It is soooo comprehendable to me, it's all in black and white.

I bet she wore the kids out from 6 pm until 9:30...playing, reading, watching videos, etc.

I bet at 9:30, she fed the kids two jars of baby food and some cereal with mashed-up bananas.

I bet she gave the kids Motrin and Nighttime Orajel before they went to bed.

I bet the kids passed out while nursing on her teat.

.....And then I bet those g-damned kids woke up crying at 3 am and wouldn't stop crying until somebody walked in the room to let them know everything was okay.

I bet that lady grabbed those kids, marched them to the bathroom, drew their baths and then just gave them THE BATH FROM HELL!!!

I just bet.

Because Andy came about one lungful of sobbing away from getting that same bath himself nearly three hours ago.

I've had it with this kid. I'm ready to ship him off to a foster home with the note "He may LOOK like an angel...wait until tonight."

I know the mistake that has been made...we've gotten up and consoled him every time he's cried for the last month.

That's a NO-NO. When your child is nine months old and wakes up crying, every single goddamned expert says to let him cry it out and he'll eventually cry himself back to sleep.

That's all well and good. But let's say you're married to the dumbest woman in the entire universe who REFUSES to listen to the experts, gets up and goes into the baby's room, holding him, cooing on him, and rocking him until he's back asleep.

The whole TIME the baby just relaxes in Mama's arms, grinning like the Cheshire cat.

He wins.

He got what he wanted.

And tonight, he's going to do it again because he knows Mama will come in there and rock him until he's ready to go back to sleep.

I've told Susie to listen to the experts. That's why they're called "experts". They know their shit.

She CANNOT let Andy cry hysterically for longer than 15 minutes during the night.

It wouldn't be so bad except she's tired and gets pissed at ME now because I won't get up to console him anymore.

HELLOOOOOOO????

I'm listening to the experts, babe. YOU'RE the one who is spoiling him, turning this into an every-night thing. If you just let him cry it out for 3-4 nights straight, he'll quit crying on the fifth night. It's a game to him. He's bored at 3 a.m. If he's assured he won't be getting that 3 a.m. rocking, he'll quit asking for it.

IT's like sex with a nun. You may want to have sex with a nun. You may ask for it repeatedly, "Please nun...let's go have some sex."

The nun will keep turning you down. And after you realize that all you're doing is embarrassing yourself and pissing off the nun...you're going to eventually quit asking the nun for sex.

I mean...it is....right??

So as long as Suze gets up and rocks the kid at 3 a.m., he's going to keep asking for it. When she stops doing it, he's still going to ask for it, but when he eventually forgets there was such a thing as a 3 a.m. rocking, he'll stop asking for it.

Sorry.

I'm delerious.

Yesterday in our local newspaper, I was reading the crime report and a woman had her husband arrested for assault.

Not the funniest damned crime in the world, but the way it happened sorta amused me.

Seems the woman is pregnant and was assaulted by her husband who threw baby socks at her face because of her refusal to quit smoking while pregnant.

I'm sorry. But it made me laugh.

Can you just imagine that fight taking place in Alabama?

"Woman...you bettah quit smokin' dem dere cigarettes, cos you go' give our kid brain dermage!"

"Talk to the hand, Bubba, 'cause the Mama ain't listenin'"

"Why you!!!"

(Baby socks tossed in woman's face, trying to knock the cigarette out of her mouth)

"Waaaaaaah!!! I jes' lit that butt up! I'm 'o call de cops on yer ass!"

"Fine, woman. You call da cops. I'll have dem arrest yo' ass for tryin' to kill our baby wi'cho cigarettes! They'll lock you up wi' dat crazy lady that drownt all her young 'uns!"

"Hello...911? Send some cops to mah trailer. Mah husband jes' assaultered me wi' some baby socks dat I got at mah baby shower dis here past Sunday."

"Woman! You hang dat phone up right now before I pelt you wi' a baby bonnet!"

"He'p!! He'p!! He be threateninging me wi' a baby bonnet now! Seb me! Somebody seb meee!"

*snicker*

Dumb assed Alabama trash...

That's all I've got time for this morning. Baby's crying so we MUST be attentive to his every single want and need.

Even if it's just "I'm bored y'all. Y'all wanna watch Winnie the Pooh again?"