AIDS, CHOCOLATE AND PARENTHOOD

I had a dream last night where I was in a restaurant and walking out of a bathroom and the guy behind me stuck me in the ass with a needle.

And I instantly had AIDS.

So I was crying and shit, trying to get everyone in the building to feel sorry for me, but nobody did.

It was pretty sad.

I woke up this morning and my face was all puffy and I thought...damn...did I cry in my sleep last night???

Then I realized ... no...you just have an extraordinary puffy assed face, hommes. Might wanna cut back on the Reese's Cups.

Ever since Susie got pregnant, I've been CRAVING Reece's Cups.

In 1998, I decided to devote my life to clean living. I removed all the poisons that tempted me and started eating carrot sticks and drinking water.

I lost 50 lbs.

My friends no longer recognized me. Literally. I walked into a party and my best friend's girlfriend couldn't believe it was me.

I was Joe Married Stud. You can look, you can fantasize, but you can't touch.

Then, I decided...well...I look good...I can have a slice of pizza...

*ahem*

It doesn't work that way. One slice of pizza has over 3 million calories in it.

I had three slices.

And promptly gained all my weight back.

Anyway...my point (yup, I found one...) ...

I went without Reece's cups forever. Before, they provided me with nutrition, breakfast balance and a shitload of zits.

Then Susie got pregnant.

And I found myself alone in a convenience store.

....What's one little peanut butter cup? Hmmmmm??

So I bought them.

And now I can't fucking stop.

I'm trying to be sneaky about it to no avail. Susie had me run to the store yesterday, and I grabbed some Cups on the way out and ate 'em before I got home.

She smelled them on my breath. Along with a steak I ate back in February.

I really should look into flossing ...

ANYWHOOOO.... I've now gained damned near every pound of those 50 lbs. I lost in '98.

Goddamned Reece's people...

Yesterday was so incredibly boring.

STILL getting prepared for this yard sale to take place next Saturday.

Right now, my house is in shambles. Everywhere you walk there are boxes full of crap marked dirt cheap.

Yesterday, our 15-year-old niece came over and helped clean and price stuff. Which meant I was out of the loop for the day. So I spent the day converting CDs to MP3s, so I could then turn around and sell the CDs in the yard sale.

I originally thought I had 1,000 CDs for sale. I counted last night and only have 855.

Still...that's a bunch. And about 700 of them are worth a shit.

Back when I reviewed music for a living, I would get tons of CDs from the record companies...most of them shit.

I received so many, that I wouldn't even listen to most of them, they just got filed away in their shrink wrap, never to be looked at again.

Yesterday, going through them...God...I've got some shit.

"Survivors of the Holocaust" is a disc full of people talking about Nazi Germany.

I've got more "World Music" CDs than there are countries on this earth.

And I have dozens of discs that have Mexican classical music on them.

None of them ever opened.

I doubt those discs are going to sell.

I bet Goodwill turns their noses up at them too.

Uppitty Goodwill bastards...

Watched "Big Daddy" last night with Adam Sandler.

It was cute fluff. I AM tired of Rob Schneider and all his foreign characters he plays. I can never understand shit that he's saying.

Susie kept saying "That's the kinda daddy you'll be."

I'll admit...I already came up with the idea of giving my kid options over orders.

Within reason of course. Kids aren't the smartest damned species on the planet...sometimes an intelligent mind is needed to help make decisions.

Thank God my wife's intelligent.

I've decided I want my kid to EARN everything I give him after a certain age.

Say...three months???

Actually ... I just think that if my kid says "I want a Playstation" that that means he will clean his room for a month SPOTLESS ... then he gets a play station.

Stuff like that.

I mean...that's a lousy example...

Okay...my kid wants a CD....go mow the yard...here's $15.

That kinda shit.

Make sense??

I mean...I'm new at all this parenting stuff and I KNOW that the thoughts going through my head of how perfect I will be as a daddy are laughable at best.

But I have a feeling I'll do pretty good.

Now ... if I could just coerce the wife into giving up the crack pipe, we'd be in business....