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12:59 p.m. - 2001-12-05


I told you guys about how my 13 month-old son Andrew has discovered his tallywhacker...right?

I think I told you that when he started touching it.

Well...he's progressed. He's no longer "just touching" it.

This kid has now found what is going to be his favorite toy for the rest of his life.

Last night, Susie gave him a bath and took him back to his room. After a minute or two, she was laughing hysterically and called for me to come see what was going on.

I jumped up, ran back there, and Andrew was sitting on his changing table, tugging away at his pecker. He was pointing it towards his face and stretching it as far as it would go.

His eyes met mine and he let out the most perverted, evil laugh I've ever heard him laugh.

It was kinda like "Heh heh heh. Look what I can do. Heh heh heh."

It was truly hilarious. He wouldn't stop. He was doing things to his penis I never even dreamt could be done. He was twisting it and trying to push it back inside of his groin. He had a little baby hard-on that was pointing straight at his face.

...And laughing the entire time.

"You've GOT to get this on tape," Susie gasped through her laughter.

"C'mon," I said. "Who is EVER going to want to sit through a video of our baby masturbating?"

"It's HILARIOUS!" she argued.

She was right. It was pretty damned funny.

So I ran to get the camcorder. By the time I got back to his room, he had lost interest in his penis and was playing with his noisy keychain that Wendyloo sent him.

We waited to see if he'd go back to the prick tickling, but no such luck.

Although I did get video of him playing with his keychain while naked.

Just in case he ever gets a girlfriend and then gets cocky about it. I can say "Hey Sweetie...wanna see your dreamboat with a baby boner?"

Don't even THINK that I'm above such tomfoolery, either.

I'll do it.

You just watch and see.

Meet me back here in about 16 years and you just watch.

Andrew's also learned some things that aren't related to his penis, which are nice.

He's learned that when he bangs on his little toy piano, Daddy will applaud and say "YAYYYYYY!!!"

...Consequently...he bangs on that piano night and day now.

Granted, I could be the father to the next Beethoven.

...Or be the father to the next Rain Man. Only time will tell.

Anyway...last night he took it a step further. Now when he plays, he automatically applauds his own playing.

It's the cutest thing you'll ever see. He bangs out a tune that sounds like the toy piano version of Black Sabbath's "Paranoid". Then he stops abruptly and starts clapping with a big grin on his face.

This is done to let me know that he's finished THAT song and it's time for me to applaud his efforts. When he claps, I clap.

Actually, I'm sorta glad he does this because often times I'm not sure that he's completely finished with his "song", and clap before he's finished.

This doesn't fly in the Baby World. You applaud AFTER the song is completed and not a moment before. Or you're liable to be privvy to a temper tantrum from Hell.

I've learned this the hard way.

We got a glimpse at the first book that I had a substantial role in writing yesterday.

And you can buy it at

I think that's so cool.

Just for the hell of it, I looked up the first book that I played a small role in writing before I came to work for the company.

It's a pretty hot seller at Amazon too. In fact, today it's ranked #1,301,480.

How pathetic is that? 1,301,479 books are selling better than mine.

But this new book ...hoooo boy! You just wait and see! It's gonna BURN UP THE CHARTS, BABE!!

I'm looking to be in the top 1,200,000!!!!

Ain't nothin' go' stop me now, honey child!

Alright...back to work for me. As you may have guessed, a Top 1,300,500 best-selling author's work is never done.

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