THE CONTINUING WACKY ADVENTURES OF GRANDMA AND PEPE

I know what you want. You want more stories about my mother-in-law and her new Communist Ex-prisoner Drug Addicted housemate...don't you?

Far be it for me to deny your simplistic wishes. Read on, star child...

So last night, I forced Susie (an arm gripped tightly behind the back does wonders) to call her brother and find out how their dinner with Pepe went.

Y'see...Grandma called Susie's brother and told him to bring the family over for dinner to meet Pepe on Sunday evening.

So they go over there.

And once again, all we're getting is the condensed version of the story here...but apparently Pepe spent the evening taking my nephews aside and teaching them how to use a lighter.

A cigarette lighter.

My nephews are 13 and 9. One surfs for porn but has never lit a lighter. The other ...well...he's just a kid.

Pepe found this amusing. Their mother was horrified. As she explained to Susie..."We don't keep lighters in the house because of the kids...and this guy's showing them how to use them once they get their hands on one."

Soooo...right there is reason enough for me to tell Grandma we don't want Pepe near Andrew. All I feel that I have to do is bring that fact up and Grandma has no case.

Grandma is very sensitive about situations like these. If she wants you to meet her friend, SHE WANTS YOU TO MEET HER FRIEND.

No questions, no arguing.

Well, she's getting no questions or arguing. Just a firm and emphatic "no".

Plus, my sister-in-law (a bit of a wacko herself, mind you) is having a house key made for my 16-year-old niece so that she will now be able to go to the house when she's sick or out of school, rather than going to Grandma's house.

Because...in my sister-in-law's words...she doesn't want my niece alone with Pepe.

She could tell from meeting him over dinner that she doesn't want this guy anywhere near her daughter in an unsupervised position.

I've told Susie that the ONLY way I will meet Pepe is if Grandma brings him to church.

And Grandma doesn't go to church.

But I feel that in a public place and in a church, there's not much that Pepe can do.

He can either meet us in church or not at all.

I think I'm even doing away with the "one year" rule I had previously made. I don't want this guy in my house EVER.

Which is going to make Christmas slightly uncomfortable. With the entire family here at our house, Pepe's simply not invited. It will be a lonely Christmas for Pepe. He'll have to sit in Grandma's house, all alone and smoking the crack pipe with nobody to pass it to.

Poor Pepe.

Poor poor Pepe.

That is, of course, all contingent on if Pepe is still living at Grandma's and hasn't slit her throat and stolen her computer and ran off to Mexico by Christmas time.

That's it from me. I'm running late thanks to a little devil in the house that wanted to get up early this morning and have Daddy rock him back to sleep and then wouldn't let Daddy put him back down so Daddy got a late start on the day.

....I'm talking about Andy here.

You know...for those of you who have trouble following stories that don't mention people by name.

Okay...seriously....I've gotta go...

Bye.