A PIPING HOT BOWL OF INTERCOURSE FOR EVERYONE!

You know what I REALLY REALLY REALLY HATE?!?!

These ASSHOLES that act like their corneas are burning if they stumble across something written in CAPITAL LETTERS on the Internet.

"don't use all caps, please," they beg, as if you're ripping kittens apart with your bare hands.

THEY'RE FUCKING CAPITAL LETTERS, PEOPLE. BIG FUCKING DEAL.

"but when you use all caps, it's as if you're screaming at someone."

DUHHHHHHH.

I AM SCREAMING YOU FUCKING MORON. I'M SCREAMING AT YOUR PACIFIST, MAMA-TIT-SUCKING CRYBABY NON-CAP-READING JAGS.

What is the big deal about all caps? If somebody wants to use all caps, it's to get their point across.

People that come out of the woodwork to chastise someone for using all caps on the Internet are just jealous because they can't find the Caps Lock key on their keyboard.

YOU FUCKING IGNORANT SACKS OF SHIT.

Now...I'm sure I'll get an e-mail or two, trying to explain in a hippy-dippy, flower-hugging way the reason that people don't use caps on the Internet.

SAVE YOUR ENERGY, YOU DIPSHITS. AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT ... EAT MY FUCK.

Ahhhhh....

I feel better already.

Seriously people...it's only capital letters. Quit getting so bent out of shape about something so goddamned trivial.

You might even want to look into ...oh...I dunno....getting a life, perhaps??

Y'know...I really, really like what Andrew has done with Diaryland this week.

Particularly the profile section now. I think it's cool how you can find everyone else that has the same musical tastes as you, and find out the ten most popular movies amongst Diarylanders, etc.

Usually, I HATE changes in anything that I love ... but this change is soooo positive, I love it even more now. Andrew ... you are one cool cat, m'friend.

I bet you even like shit written in all caps, too.

According to a recent poll that I conducted amongst nobody in particular, the three most popular topics that I have covered here in the last week have been:

A) My dog's ass.

B) My inability to shake this fucking cold shit.

C) My son and his inability to shake his cold.

I'd like to thank all those who participated in this poll and tell you that each of you are invited to EAT A BIG BOWL OF MY FUCK.

...I'm really starting to dig that phrase...

Well ... here we are ... Saturday...

I REALLY just wanna sit at home all day and do NOTHING.

I guess I'd like to go to some flea markets in town, which is something I probably haven't done in years. You never know what you'll find in flea markets.

But...we have the kid. And the weather isn't so great today.

The last few days here, the temps have gotten up into the upper 70s and been soooo comfortable.

Last night a cold front came through and cooled everything off considerably. Temps aren't expected to venture out of the 50s today.

When we come back, Biff Buffbody will be here with your sports, including some recent college signings. Stay tuned.

I went to pick my dog Maggie up from the vet's office yesterday.

Her ass had been thoroughly cleaned, which really made me happy.

The vet actually offered to board her all weekend long free of charge if I wanted him to, just so she wouldn't shit herself and get it all over the house.

I couldn't do it. Maggie HATES the vet's office ... everytime we go there, she's howling to get back in the car.

I would be too if my ass got shaved, tumors were removed from my rectum and I was left shitting bloody shit soup.

So I told the doctor, "No", I'll just take her home.

He exhaled a sigh of relief. I don't think he was all that jazzed to have to watch my dog all weekend as the poop flowed out of her like fine wine at a Museum reception.

I did ask him what I should do in case "this" happened again.

He honestly suggested that I put one of Andy's diapers on her and let her wear that.

I had to laugh. Why in the HELL would I put a diaper on my dog's ass? If she DID crap in it, the mess would be even worse than if she went outside and crapped.

I asked if there was ANYTHING ELSE I could try.

He suggested that I should cut her back on eating big bowls of fuck.

I think my vet is somewhat retarded.

I DO know one thing about him, and this is totally true...he married his first cousin.

He's a nice guy...not creepy in the least ... but c'mon...he married his cousin.

I'm originally from Illinois, where we're all just a buncha quiet farm boys who don't marry their cousins.

This whole Alabama way of thinking still amazes me from time to time.

Sooo...no diaper for Doggie. She's actually doing better. It's obvious her butt's still sore, but at least she hasn't let her ass explode in the house.

BTW ... my car still reeks from her accident on Thursday. I've got about 15 air fresheners hanging from my rear view mirror. NONE OF THEM can counter the smell of bloody dog diahrrea.

This has been one sick and disgusting entry today, hasn't it?

I'm sorry.

That's not fair to those of you are a bit more sensitive than myself.

Those of you who come here, looking to be entertained in a Christian-like manner, without all the cursing and horrifying mental images I paint for you.

I'm truly sorry.

Here. Have a big bowl of fuck.

It's on me, my friend.

I just found out that Kenny Rogers is coming to our annual Festival in the streets this May.

Hide your freakin' chickens.

I got a call yesterday from the Public Relations department of Club La Vela which is the biggest nightclub in America, located at Panama City Beach in Florida.

They wanted to know if I wanted to come down and cover their Mardi Gras festivities later this month.

They're going to be having a lot of bands, headlined by Jimmie's Chicken Shack, which is a favorite of my dream chick.

I told them I didn't think I'd be able to come down and cover the event.

Yes, I turned down going to the nation's largest and wildest nightclub to watch people get drunk and wasted out of their minds and being treated like a V.I.P. to stay home and be with my wife and baby.

...And perhaps ... enjoy a nice piping hot bowl of fuck with beans.

Did you know that if you own a copy of Radiohead's "Kid A" that there's a secret booklet hidden in it?

Lift up the black CD tray and underneath is one of those booklets that make no f'n sense whatsoever.

I didn't know this until the other day.

I just thought I'd share that with you.

Ummmmmmm.....

You know...I think that's about it as far as news that I want to report here.

I can't think of anything else really.

So there ya go. Hope you all have a great weekend, try not to type anything in all caps, and stay warm.

And that whole "big bowl of fuck" thing??

Just ignore me. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

MP3 DOWNLOAD OF THE DAY

Prince: "Auld Lang Syne/Purple Rain"

It's a live track, good quality ... and it just goes on forever. I love that song.