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09:05:00 - 2000-09-05


HAPPY DAY-AFTER LABOR DAYYYYYYY!!!!'s gonna be a bad day. I can just FEEL it.

As it turns out, yesterday was one of those holidays where the few people that actually showed up for work anyway were told that as soon as our work was complete, we could go home for the day.

Before I even GOT to work, my work was complete. So I COULD have had the day off.

However, I went to take pics of people celebrating Labor Day and "Behind the Scenes" at the MDA telethon on a local level ... etc ... and was home by 11 a.m.

Fun, fun, fun.

I had wasn't really a "strange" dream ... it was so realistic that it wouldn't let me go back to sleep afterwards. Which tells's going to be a BAD DAY.

I THINK I've told you that we lent my good-for-nothing brother-in-law $6,000 to pay for his college education...right??

Well...technically, I didn't lend it to him...Susie did. And technically, we had to take out a loan to do it, it's not like she reached in her purse and pulled out six $1,000 bills and handed them to him.

Or 1,000 $6 bills.


Anyway, the sonofabitch hasn't even BEGAN to pay us back, so each month we have to pay the bank $278 to pay off his college.

I'm sure I've told you this all before, but there's some newbies hanging out that may not have read all this crappage already.


Last night I have this dream that this LOSER is now working with me at my office. And he's BEGGING me for $25 so he can fix his computer.

I'm completely ignoring him, so he's begging even louder.

Everyone in the building comes back there and tells him to shut up, but he won't. He keeps saying "If YOU needed $25 to fix YOUR computer, I'd give it to YOU."

Finally (in my dream) I lost it.

I laid into him, telling him he owes me $6,000 and I'll be damned if he's going to deprive my kid of a college education because he's too big of a con artist to pay his own sister back the money that she graciously gave to him to keep him from getting in trouble with whatever freakin' college he went to...blah blah blah.

I guess I got all my frustrations out at him in this one dream.

Then I woke up at 2:30 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep until 4:15 a.m.

The alarm went off at 5 a.m.

And here I am.

Tired. Cranky. Irritable.

And wanting my $6,000 back, you fucking scumbag.

I REALLY hate my brother in law. There's not too many people in this world that I HATE. But he's one of them.

It takes a great deal of strength for me to be in the same room as him. He's loud and obnoxious and is ALWAYS right.

He makes more money than me as a computer analyst.

...Yet can't afford to pay off his schooling...

Shit. I'll bitch about him another time. The only reason I'm talking about it now is because that bastard cheated me out of almost two hours of sleep on the one day I need it more than ever.


So yesterday...I'm walking the dog by myself when these two tan dogs come FLYING OUT OF NOWHERE to attack my dog.

This isn't the first time it's happened. This new family on the street have no control over their dogs. Whether they let them out voluntarily or the dogs are getting out of the back yard, I have no idea.

But a LOT of people in my neighborhood walk in the early morning. And I'm NOT the only one who has complained about these dogs.

So ... as my dog is being snapped and snarled at, I'm screaming "GET OUTTA HERE!!!" outside these white trash's home and kicking in the dogs' directions. Not connecting...just kicking.

I finish walking Maggie and get home to find the two dogs sniffing around my front yard.

I stuff Maggie back in the house, grab a big tree limb and start swinging at the dogs.

Never connecting. Just swinging.

They start to slowly walk away from me towards their house. I follow them slowly, swinging the tree limb every time they bother to look at me.

I get them down to their house and I have to make a decision. Do I go up to the door, ring the doorbell, and cuss the owners out at 6:30 a.m. on Labor Day? Or do I let the dogs run free and terrorize more neighbors???


Nobody answers.

The dogs are beginning to bark and snarl at me.

I POUND on the door.

Finally, the white trash husband shuffles to the door, looks out the window and mouths the word "fuck" while I'm standing there holding a tree limb in one hand, my other arm in a sling and his two dogs on their haunches, snarling at me.

He opens the door standing there in his nasty jockeys.

"You've GOT to do something about these dogs, man," I said. "They attacked my dog this morning, they've attacked other neighbors. This isn't the first time it's happened. They have no tags and no collars on. You HAVE to keep them inside, man."

"Get in here," he says to the dogs, opening his door for them.

They don't budge.

"Next time I'm calling the pound, and it'll cost you to get them back," I add, pissed outta my mind.

"Come on...get in here," he says to the dogs.

One dog barks at me.

"You're dead meat," I said to the dog, right in front of the guy.

The dogs finally went inside and the guy closed his door.

No "sorry".

No "Thanks for letting me know."

Fucking rude assed white trash lawn-mowing for a living loser.

Pissed me off.

Those dogs had BETTER not be out attacking people today. I'll hang them in the tree in his front yard.



Well, I shed a tear at the end of the telethon yesterday.

ONLY because Jerry was losing it too.

For me, seeing a grown man cry just tears me up.

Hell...seeing a small child crying tears me up.

I can barely handle seeing a woman cry. But women cry so much about the littlest things, it's almost tolerable.


Ever since I broke my elbone, my wife has slept in the guestroom.

It's been heaven.

I LOVE sleeping alone now.

Y'see ... we have a King Sized bed. But that's not good enough for my wife.

She has to sleep on MY side of the bed with me. So every night, I wind up clinging to the edge of the bed, balancing myself so I don't fall onto the floor, while she lays there sound asleep just inches from me.

....With about six feet of mattress space behind her.

Some nights I just push her gently back to her side of the bed so that I can move. This ALWAYS pisses her off in her sleep for some reason. It's like I'm insulting her because I want to breathe.

Of course, she never remembers it in the morning.

Soooo...for the last ten days or so, I've had the whole bed to myself, stretching my bad arm over a body pillow at night.

....And balancing myself on the edge of the bed where I'm apparently most comfortable.


When I was down at the telethon yesterday, I saw this woman from my bar days.

She was a friend of a friend's. Her name was Elizabeth.

In the last 15 years, I've run into her maybe 4-5 times. The last time was probably five years ago. Whenever we saw each other, it was usually in a bar.

So we're talking yesterday and she said she had read in my column that we're going to be parents.

"Yeah, yeah...sure are," I confirm.

"Have you seen my kids lately?" she asks.

Okay. Point blank...I had NO IDEA this woman had kids. I'm sorry, but we're BARELY acquaintances. We see each other in the bars, we ask how our mutual friend is doing and we go our separate ways.

So ... no lady...I haven't seen your kids lately.

She rounds up this pimply teenage boy and some little girl and says "These are my kids, do you remember them when they were little?"

Look lady...unless you put fake mustaches on them and smuggled them in the bars, there's no WAY I'd remember them.

"Oh yeah," I said. "Boy...they sure have grown!"

I can understand the concept of being a proud parent. Everyone I meet, I whip out the picture of my fetus immediately and carefully show them the baby's lips and where his ears would be if he had actually had ears when the ultrasound was taken.

So I UNDERSTAND the pride involved.

But DON'T try to make me fawn over your kids and their amazing growth spurts when I have never met them before. It's awkward for me as well as the kids.



That's enough bitching for one day. My hand is tired.



Who's YOUR worst neighbor and why?

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