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07:54:56 - 2000-02-17

Uncle Bob don't take no shit. If you're easily offended, scram. If you're a sick, twisted individual who spends their days leering at everyone they see, c'mon in. Coffee's brewin'...


I just finished a mix disc for my boy Mattie Gee. He and some friends are getting a cheesy 80s band together called The Spicolis. He's in a pretty successful band now (The Woodpeckers...think of the sexual connotations...), but he really wants to do something different and The Spicolis are definitly different. Anyway, the disc, "An Evening With The Spicolis, Vol. II" is finally finished.

I love making mix discs. If you go to that link above and click on "Other Mixes by Bobzilla" (my OTHER internet name ... I have a feeling I shoulda used that one here in Diaryland...too late now...), you'll get a bunch of mixes I've made over the last few years.

And if you ever see anything you like, or a bunch of songs you might want on one disc, drop me a line and maybe I'll send ya a copy, if I like you and believe you to be a fine, upstanding young American/Canadian/Norwegian/Brit/African/Amish/Commie Bastard. I like to trade music with people ... so let's say you have a tape of your fave songs. You make ME a copy of that, I'll make YOU a copy of what you want, we exchange, everyone's happy, nobody gets hurt, life goes on.

If you're interested, gimme a holler.

What's green and hangs off trees? Giraffe snot.

That's about the funniest thing I've got to say today. But keep reading anyway. You owe it to yourself to continue reading...regardless of the shortage of laughs.

Is it just me, or are about 75% of the women on Diaryland either bi or bi-curious?

Are there ANY totally straight women out there??

I made the mistake of dating a bi woman years ago in college. I thought it would be cool and all, but when you're dating somebody bi and gorgeous, you start to realize that NOBODY is off limits to this person. And before long, every time she went out with her friends and left me alone, I would kill myself wondering what she and her "friends" were doing.

We lasted about two months before I said adios. We never had a threesome, which to me, was the only benefit of dating a bi-gal.

Anyway...more power to y'all. Get it out of your system or cling to it for life. Personally, I'd rather take my chances with the Secret Service and bum rush Bill Clinton for a dry hump before I ever blew a guy. But that's just my opinion.

I have no interest in sucking the wang.

But I do understand bi-women and lesbians. The female body is scrumpdillyumptious. I can see why women would want other women. Plus ... they say that another woman is the only person who can truly please another woman. God knows I've been fumbling around down there like a frenzied Japanese telegraph operator trying to warn the military about incoming bombs over Pearl Harbor for years. I get little more than an amused look in return. Like she's watching an episode of "The Flintstones."

Still, I thank God every day that most of you women are dumb enough to even WANT a man. Because we are the most fucked up species on earth, and yet, y'all keep us hanging around. Probably just for laughs. Speaking on behalf of all men, thank you ladies for putting up with our ugly bodies, our inflated egos, our unwillingness to ask for help, and every other goddamned flaw we've got.

We appreciate it.

And we're sorry for being such assholes. Every lady out there knows at least ONE asshole. I know I made an intern's life a living hell last year without even knowing it. I happened to stumble across her website one day and she had written a ton of nasty shit about me. It hurt me, because I thought we had a good working relationship. She pointed out all the things she thought were horrible about me, and I changed most of them. Some were just stupid. She thought we should have spent more time together outside the office working on stories together. I was like...."I'm busy, you're doing a great job, keep up the good work." Apparently she needed more than encouragement.

And no...I'm not talking about sex, you pervs. I'm talking about guidance from a "mentor" of sorts. I didn't share with her the secrets of writing. I just gave her assignments, she did a good job, I was happy. She wanted to learn more, and looking back, she was right.

Anyway ... thanks and we're sorry.

Now...get in that kitchen and make me some pie. And bring me some Cheesy Poofs while I wait.

Alright you sexist's my turn.

I've updated my real diary for February 17th ... click here

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