THE GOVERNOR CALLED ... YOUR TORTURE HAS BEEN POSTPONED

I think Susie put it best when she said I was "handed a reprieve at the 11th hour".

My in-laws are not here yet.

This is both good and bad. Good because...well ...they're my in-laws. Any time I can spend without them around is A-OK in my book.

Bad because I spent the ENTIRE WEEKEND CLEANING THE DAMNED HOUSE FOR THEM!!!

But...I'm sitting in a clean house with no in-laws in it. So I can't hardly argue.

Following my in-laws tradition of having nothing but bad luck, they were 70 miles from Alabama when they had a blow-out.

It seems my 15 year-old nephew who just got his driver's permit and was sulking for 10 hours straight because they wouldn't let him drive was finally allowed to drive in Mississippi. He was driving for TEN MINUTES when he hit "something" and blew a tire out.

Since they spent the night in a podunk little town, there was no place to get the tire fixed until this morning. They're getting the tire fixed and then coming down here.

...Presumably....without the 15 year-old taking the wheel.

I think he had his chance and he "blew" it.

...Pun intended ...

This "kinda" sucks because I spent two hours shaping 40 hamburger patties yesterday and now I have a freezer full of hamburgers, plus tons of other food that was supposed to be eaten yesterday but wasn't because my idiot nephew doesn't know to swerve when he sees an armadillo in the road.

But hey...I'm not complaining. Even though it sure looks like a complaint.

Anyway...they'll be here today, full of piss and vinegar and empty, bottomless stomachs.

Speaking of in-laws, I casually mentioned the fact that Susie's brother hasn't attempted to pay back the $6,000 loan we gave him last year to Susie last night.

Susie said she asked her Mom about it and her Mom basically said "the check's in the mail".

You're pretty fucking low when you screw over your own daughter. But that's what her Mom's doing. She keeps telling Susie "somebody" owes her $10,000 and when she gets that, she'll give us our $6,000.

Lemme tell ya about my Mom-in-law to keep up this weekend's theme of bitching about my suck-ass in-laws.

She's one of those people who falls for every single "Get Rich Quick" scams on the market.

Oh...I think I already told y'all about her.

The whole deal where we're supposed to be millionaires by the end of the year because she invested $100 in some off-shore multi level marketing scam???

...Yeah...I told y'all about that.

Anyway...instead of paying us money from her weekly pay check ... she's put OUR LOAN on the back burner and will pay it all in one lump sum when she gets her $10 grand from her latest scam.

...Which...in essence...means we're not ever getting that money back.

Susie told her Mom that we're buying a car in the next few weeks and with the baby coming, we NEED that money NOW.

Her mom promptly blew her off, saying she'll get it in a few weeks.

I think that during one of our little get-togethers this week, I'll have no choice but to bring the matter up at the dinner table.

It should be fun to watch the white trash squirm.

Granted, I'd rather have the money. But I'll take the squirming while I wait for the money.

Oh ... got a call from my old "buddy" Scott yesterday.

I THINK I've told y'all about him...he and his wife and their 5-year-old daughter sold everything, bought a trailer and are driving around the country on a permanent vacation??

All because he can't fit in with the real world, hates working and is trying to find his niche in life?

Well...he called from Alaska yesterday. On yet ANOTHER "vacation".

He said his wife worked for three months while they stayed at her parent's house in Indiana. When she had made $6,000, they packed up and headed for Alaska to show their daughter the beauty of America.

Now...lemme ask you guys something....how many of you remember ANYTHING that you did when you were five years old???

Exactly.

In 10-20 years, this kid will have a vague recollection of spending her formative years in the back seat of a car while Daddy chased his dreams of finding ANYTHING that would make him happy.

She's NOT going to remember Alaska, the Grand Canyon or the mountains of Wyoming.

She's NOT.

Take the kid to Disney World and she won't even remember that.

SHE'S FIVE FUCKING YEARS OLD, YOU MORON.

He keeps saying he's doing all this for his daughter. When it's obvious he's running away from the real world until he finally "makes it" as a writer.

He is the absolute most horrible writer ever. Take the worst shit you've ever read, multiply that by 1,000 and that's how bad he is.

I'm dead serious. If I had the patience, I'd transcribe his latest book on the web and let you people see just how bad he is.

Anyway, they're in Alaska and he says he's starting to panic because gas prices have REALLY thrown his budget off and they're desperately low on money.

Well, no shit Sherlock...don't you watch the evening news, you idiot??

So they may have to stay in Alaska for a while and take dishwasher jobs until they can save up enough gas money to trek back through Canada and back to Indiana to sponge off her parents some more until they can save money for another six-month vacation.

It's really sad and pathetic what he's doing to his family. His wife has skills that could land her a nice job with plenty of room for advancement in the medical field if he'd JUST LET HER STAY IN ONE PLACE FOR A YEAR.

...He sells batteries in a battery store.

The daughter, who should be in school by now, hasn't seen day one of school.

Isn't there some kind of law about that?

He says he's "kinda" home-schooling her.

Oh great. So she can grow up to be a battery salesman.

"Will that be double A....or (pulling out small box from under the counter)....TRIPLE A???"

...That's probably the extent of the home schooling.

We told him we were pregnant, which was kinda cool, because he called to blab on and on about their latest "Vacation" and our news was more exciting than his, so his news got shot down after a few sentences.

He suggested that our son marry his daughter so we could be in-laws.

Heh. Yeah right. Like I want ANOTHER set of losers for in-laws.

Something tells me he's going to push it though. He's strange that way.

Alright...that's enough pissy babbling. I've gotta get a column written for this week. I'll try to get back here tomorrow ....but I ain't making no promises. In 24 hours, I'll have a house full of snoring, drooling punk assed kids all over the floor. I'll be lucky to make it to the computer.

Peace out.