Seriously...if you're under 18, I'm a horrible influence. I'm a wonderful role model in real life, but Diaryland brings out the beast in me. Please...reconsider reading this if you're under 18, easily impressed or morbidly obese. The morbidly obese can read this and get a chuckle, but I just don't want them in here, obesing things up.

LLLLLLET'S GET READY TO RAMBLE

You know...I think it's so cool that we have ECW Wrestling as a sponsor on the Add Entry page of Diaryland. I love ECW. I went to their pay per view last month...if you saw it, you saw Uncle Bob, hanging over a railing, calling for "MORE FUCKING BLOOD, NEW JACK!!!"

And yes...I've known it's been choreographed for years. But don't you dare call it fake.

In fact, a group of us guys attended the Pay Per View, including one guy who had no interest in actually attending a "Fake Wrestling" event, but walked away impressed with ECW after New Jack dove off a balcony right in front of us and landed on top of a guy laying on a table.

Anyway...kudos to Andrew or whoever for getting ECW in Diaryland.

Lemmuh see hyere...that was my bad Elvis impersonation..."lemmuh see hyere..."

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!

Oh gosh Uncle Bob! Now I know why everyone reads your entries because they're SO DAMNED FUNNY!!!! Your wacky Elvis impersonations....HAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!!YOU'RE A COMEDIC GENIUS!!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

....eat me you sarcastic fuck....

I was walking my dog just a few short minutes ago and this guy walks up to me and says "Excuse me, have you seen a Rottweiler running loose?"

Ummmm...pal...if I had seen a Rottweiler running loose, you woulda HEARD my ass a whole lot quicker than you SAW it. I woulda flown past you like Carl Lewis on crank, dragging my fat assed dog 16 feet behind me and screaming like Neve Campbell.

Since I suggested the idea to Fawn last week, I think I'll tackle the subject myself here today.

Here's a list of all the people that I wished I had slept with before I settled down.

1) Fawn. (Only because she did NOT include me on her list, and I want to make her cringe with guilt over it)

2) Ariel from "The Little Mermaid".

3) Marilu Henner.

4) A completely shaved Liv Tyler.

5) My fourth grade social studies teacher, Mrs. Mary Lou Baird.

6) This prostitute who once offered me sex for twenty dollars. I always wondered what twenty dollar sex would be like and have kicked myself ever since for not taking her up on the offer.

7) A girl I saw at a Supertramp concert four seats down from me in 1979 in a David Bowie t-shirt and ripped jeans.

8) Nicole Johnson, Miss America 1999. She did show me her panties, after all. I could tell she wanted me. She fell victim to the Uncle Bob charm. Who can blame her?

9)Jennifer S.. Heh. Remind me someday to tell you about the story of Jennifer S. and me.

Hell ... I'll try to tell it now in condensed (i.e. edited and humorless) form ....

I met Jennifer in the fifth grade, when my family moved to Nashville from Illinois. Jennifer soon became my arch nemesis. She was always mean and rude to me.

I moved away in the seventh grade and moved back in the tenth grade. By the time I moved back, Jennifer had turned into quite the social butterfly. She was always on the Homecoming Court and dating all the football players.

Which made me hate her even more because I was anti-social.

Fast forward a few years to college ... I believe it was my junior year. It was the summer of 1982 and a lot of the students at the University of Tennessee stayed in dorms that year because we all took jobs with the 1982 World's Fair in Knoxville.

So the dorms became co-ed for the summer. Which was cool for me and my three roommates, because our apartment suite was the only one on our wing inhabited by guys. The other seven apartments had four girls apiece in them.

Ahh...the summer of '82.

Anyway...one day, I get in the elevator of the complex and who do I run into but Jennifer Fuckin' S. I didn't even know she was going to college here, let alone living in my building.

The weird thing about college ... all the bad crap about high school is over with. It's like, as soon as you walk through the college doors, everything starts over again. It's quite a culture shock for these poor kids who were so popular in their little senior class of 300 kids when they step foot in a college that has 30,000 students. It's a whole new ball game at that point. I became friends with sooooooo many people in college that I never spoke to in high school. Anyway...that's for you high school kids out there. Believe me...all bets are off after graduation day.

Anyway, Jennifer actually hugged my neck and told me it was good to see me.

"Oh yeah," I wanted to say. "Then why have you treated me like shit for the last ten years?" But I reeled in the bitter angst that had festered inside of me since the first day I became the butt of her jokes.

We talked and I asked her if she was going to REO Speedwagon the next night. Believe me, you chuckling assholes, AT THE TIME, REO Speedwagon was a hotter ticket than Limp Biskit. So nyaaaah.

Anywhoo...she said no but she would LOVE to go to it.

Luckily for me, I had been working concert security for the last six months. Not only could I get us in for free, but I could get this little groupie backstage.

And I told her that.

Suddenly, the last ten years of the bitter relationship between me and Jennifer S. was erased. She gave me a resounding YES and it was on.

...I was going backstage at REO Speedwagon with the Homecoming Queen from my high school.

I went to pick her up at her apartment and she wasn't ready yet. She was racing around while I sat on her sofa and she was talking to me the entire time, even when she was out of ear shot.

Finally, she brought back a mirror and handed it to me.

There was a credit card on the mirror and....white powder all over the mirror with a straw.

"Ummmm...cocaine?" I asked, having never seen the stuff before.

"You don't do coke," she asked increduously.

I couldn't lie. Had I said yes and went to snort it, I wouldn't have known what the hell to do. I woulda had straws sticking out of my ears and baggies up my nose. I had smoked pot at this point but that was the extent of my drug experimentation.

"Nope," I said. And I wasn't quite sure I wanted to snort it either.

But ... peer pressure sucks. The fact that the Homecoming Queen was offering me a line of coke overrode my general fear of the drug.

She showed me how to do it, and I made her turn her back while I tried it, because I didn't want her laughing at me.

I will not advocate cocaine use here. It is a horrible, horrible thing and destroys families. I've had too many friends turn into cokeheads, who I think are some of the most obnoxious people in the world.

But that was the first of probably two dozen times that I did cocaine. I never bought a fleck of it. It was always shared with me by others that I worked or dated.

Bottom line...stay the fuck away from coke. Uncle Bob said so.

Anyway ... we then went to the REO concert, I got her backstage where we met Kevin Cronin, Gary Richrath and Bruce the bass player (which is all she wanted anyway). I took her picture with them, which she had blown up and kept framed in her room afterwards.

We made out that night, just kissing really. I never asked her out again. Can't really say why. I guess the combination of the cocaine coupled with the fact that I gave her a backstage pass for her favorite band being the underlying reason TO ME that she accepted the date in the first place. And in the back of my mind, she would always be the little girl that went out of her way to hurt my feelings.

We actually became decent friends afterwards. And if we were ever in a bar, WATCH OUT! We'd be dancing all night long. She wired on coke, and me wired on the fact that I was dancing with the Homecoming Queen of my high school in a crowded smoky bar at college. I remember one night well ... we were sitting in a bar with a bunch of people and somehow she ended up without a chair so she was sitting on my lap, wasted out of her mind on Long Island Teas and whatever drug she was currently on.

I remember she leaned into my ear and said "You know ... I've always had a little crush on you."

I had to laugh. I had never found her overly attractive like everyone else apparently did. She still had a barbaric wit about her, which intensified in college. She just didn't direct it at me anymore, which was cool in my book.

It's becoming apparent that I could sit here all day and yak about this girl which would eventually probably uncover some key to the relationship.

But none of this is funny.

And it isn't what you came here for.

In my defense, every now and then you will get an actual diary entry from me that will peek into portions of my life.

I hope that's cool. If not, that's cool since I stole the idea from you.

Deja vu, eh, Brutus?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You know Bob...I think I'm beginning to develop a crush on you. Is that weird? Here....let me tell you more...

If ya wanna check out my other website, updated daily (BUT NOT TODAY...I DON'T FEEL SO WELL) with a REAL diary PLUS my diary this day in 1980 click here

Tell me everything's going to be alright.