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17:45:59 - 2000-02-06


... I'm terrified of mice. Not in a "Oh Jeez...a mouse" way but in a "HOLY SHIT CHANGE THE CHANNEL IT'S MICKEY DAMNED MOUSE!!!" way.

...When I die, I want to be remembered as a great man. But more importantly, a great man with a well-proportioned penis.

...It's pretty bad when I've already used up a penis joke the second line into this deal.

...if life gives you lemons ... man...I'd be bitchin' about that if I were you ...

...I remember when I was a kid and the other kids would try to convince me that my mother was so fat that when she sat around the house, she sat AROUND the house. I'd go home and look at her, and even though she wasn't fat, I'd burst into tears anyway because I wanted her thinking I was mentally ill so she'd feel sorry for me and buy me the new G.I. Joe with the Kung-Fu grip. I think that's when I first learned the power of manipulation.

...Why do birds suddenly appear?

Every time you are near?

Just like me, they probably think

You smell like a tuna processing plant that's been without power for several days in the heat of summer.

...I dated a girl once who gave me a yeast infection. I would have never even known it, except every time I walked past an oven, my dick swelled up.

...I had a friend in college that was a real sound sleeper. One time we went camping and when I woke up in the morning, a buzzard had eaten his legs off and he didn't even flinch. He was pretty ticked about that and I tried not to laugh about it, but c'mon...his legs were pecked off. That's some pretty funny shit.

...I never thought I'd say this ... but I'm really starting to miss those passengers that went down on that Alaskan Airlines plane. They were a fine bunch of passengers. Please allow me to grieve for several more days. *sigh*

...Is there any doubt that when all is said and done, I could end up being Satan's sidekick?

...I once had a girlfriend who pressured me into finding a fetish that we could share together. I finally settled on the kink of screwing while she wore a blindfold and earplugs and I was facing the TV during a football game. We tried it once and she had some new boyfriend by halftime.

...I wonder if "Beauty and the Beast" would have been as popular if it was the guy who was real handsome, like a model or something, and the lady was the beast and she looked like Tori Spelling with no makeup?

...I like to get in the shower, fully clothed and sing "Hello Dolly" in my most seductive tone with my eyes closed to an imaginary audience of timberwolves who have been flown in from the Alaskan wild. I then strip naked, hump the water spigot, chug a couple more shots of tequila for the road and head to another exciting day of work.

...Whoever came up with the phrase "You're dumber than Uncle Bob" is a dirty sonofabitch in my book

(And ... this IS my book).

...I was listening to AM pop radio today and heard a song that said "If You Can't Be With The One You Love, Honey, Love The One You're With". Does this mean that if I'm at work, and I'm horny for my wife who is at HER job, it's okay for me to fondle my new, fresh-out-of-college, secretary in the supply room, since technically, she's the one I'm with?? Could somebody please clarify this and QUICKLY?!?

...I once went on a picnic with a girl who later insisted on using honey for a sexual lubricant. It was okay for a while, but we finally had to stop because the ants were getting pretty thick.

...Have you noticed how today's teens don't have NEAR the acne that teens had 20 years ago? HAVE YOU???? be perfectly honest ... I didn't have much acne. But I did have a rash on my ass in the shape of Mexico for most of my junior high days.

...If I scream, and you scream, does it really mean that we're both screaming for ice cream? Let's say the space heater catches the blanket on the bed on fire in the middle of the night. I scream. She screams. At this point, I would much rather hear the bells of a fire truck than the bells of an ice cream truck. Although...a Nutty Buddy might hit the spot as we watch our house burst into flames.

...You know who would have done a much better job of portraying Andy Kaufman in "Man on the Moon" than Jim Carrey?? Give up? Fuckin' Cher, man. Fuckin' Cher. She'd do that "Mighty Mouse" theme song and I'd have motherfuckin' chills, dude. Fuck Jim Carrey. Fuckin' Cher, man.

...Am I strange for being a heterosexual married man with a sexual obsession for Steve "Fargo, Reservoir Dogs" Buscemi? Or is that normal for most men??

...How do you know I am who I say I am?

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Have you read these?

The End Of Uncle Bob - 12:28 p.m. , 2009-02-19

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That Sinking Feeling - 6:09 a.m. , 2008-10-28

Return Of The Karate Kid And His Slow Kitty-Lovin' Accomplice - 5:44 a.m. , 2008-10-22

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