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20:42:30 - 2000-02-09


* I was once so horny I humped an omelet.

* You know who I really feel sorry for? Kids born without spines. But then, that sorrow turns to happiness when I put them on an escalator and watch them go down the steps like a Slinky. It's like a parade, but not really.

* Ethel Merman once sang "There's No Business Like Show Business". Personally, I recommend the roofing business for total inner harmony. I don't think that woman had a clue.

* I remember when I was a kid, my uncle would offer us kids sips from his can of beer. We'd drink it and giggle and pretend we were drunk and then fall down in the grass and vomit all over ourselves. We'd all start crying and my parents would yell at my uncle and he would confess to urinating in a beer can and letting us kids drink it. And that Uncle's name???

That's right. Uncle Bob.

* Sometimes on Saturday night, if there's nothing good on television, my wife and I will go to the local mall, stand outside the arcade and flick lit matches at all the teenagers, while making harrassing comments towards them. My wife enjoys calling all the young men "pussies" and jumping out in front of them like she's going to beat the shit out of them. She's a trip, that woman ...

* Do you think Freddy was doing both Daphne and Velma? Because you know Shaggy was so fucked up on 'shrooms, he couldn't get a pinky up. And I'm sure Velma and Scooby had at least one torrid affair in some haunted mansion at one point or another.

* I'll tell ya what ... if I had been Greg Brady ... you're damned skippy I woulda been spending most of my waking day staring through keyholes at my stepsisters. I woulda been the sick fuckin' Brady Kid. The one in therapy who couldn't orgasm unless he was picturing Marcia in his head.

* Wait a sec...did I just type that??

* Here's something that really pisses me off ... coktail waitresses who just take it for granted that you want to be slapped every time you grab their asses. Of all the nerve...

* Alright ... I just checked ... here's as much as we know at this hour...God...I can't believe this ... Her name was Lola. She was a showgirl. You know...with yellow ribbons in her hair, not like that skank whore Elizabeth Berkley in "Showgirls". I mean c' there any female on this earth really THAT skanky as she was in that otherwise AWESOME movie??? No. I mean BESIDES Tori Spelling.

* Can somebody please tell me ... what is all this fascination with taking the drug ecstasty and shoving vegetables up one's wazoo??? And where can a guy like me get some of this ecstasty??

* My preacher has a good sense of humor. He called the house the other day and asked why I hadn't been to church lately. I explained that it cut into my masturbation schedule. We both shared a chuckle and he said "No, really" and I said "Yes. Really." I think it might have creeped him out.

* Check this out...I call it diary rap...."I'm droppin' bombs like Abe Vigoda". That's right. Uncle Bob is fly.

* Wow...I just saw this on the news...scientists have finally proven after years of research that neither Jerry Garcia or Kurt Cobain are God. And now I stand idly by and watch as my t-shirt empire crumbles.

* I once offered my dog ten dollars for a blow job. She went ahead and did it, but she completely sucked and that's not a bad pun. So I refused to pay her. She was pretty cool about it though. She didn't blow up and shit, like "Dude...I want my fuckin' ten dollars NOW, BITCH!" I guess that's why I like her so much. She don't let shit like that bother her.

*...Seriously ... if some of the people in my community ever got ahold of this diary ... well ... jeez ... there go my chances of becoming Mayor any time soon.

"He lets his dog perform oral sex on him and then cheats her out of her payment".

Christ. I'd be run out of town on a rail. Hopefully a golden one, so I could wave and smile in style as the angry mob threw blow-up doggie sex dolls at me.

At least she's a female dog.

* In your teens everybody tells you what to do.

In your twenties you don't want anybody telling you what to do.

In your thirties, nobody can tell you what to do.

In your forties, you are telling everybody what to do.

In your fifties, who cares because if there's anybody in their fifties reading this right now ... you seriously need to get a life, pal.

* I once dated this girl who INSISTED to act like a trained circus seal every time we had sex. Every time I orgasmed, I'd have to toss her raw fish. She'd clap her elbows together when she got turned on. You get the picture.

* I think my fear of elevators probably started that time my whole family was gunned down mafia style in an elevator when I was seven and watched on in stunned horror. No wait...that was an episode of "The Sopranos". I remember now...I hate elevators 'cos I'm an insufferable wuss machine.

* Fuckin' pancakes! GOT to love them!!

* A few years ago, for a period of a few months, a man would stand outside my bedroom window and masturbate. It never really bothered me at first, but as time grew by, I started thinking ... you know...what would the neighbors think? So I finally zipped it up, took it inside, and now I do most of my masturbating in the shower.

* You give me Gary Coleman, Webster, that Urkel fucker and the Olson twins, and I'll give you a television show that will appeal not only to retards ... but to a small percentage of mongoloids and Dallas Cowboys fans as well.

* I apologize for my political incorrectness. Truthfully, I'm a good person deep down who loves all the gimps and geeks equally. Except for those pinheaded geeks like Zippy the Pinhead. Now THOSE bastards have no place in organized society.

* If I could switch places with anyone in history, I think it'd have to be with Bill Bixby. Think of all the tail that crazy bastard must have got!

* Love me. Love me. Say that you love me.

This site makes me rub myself all over.

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Uncle Bob.

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