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18:03:51 - 2000-02-28



* One of my all-time favorite sayings is "Clearly, you have inner beauty. But if you could just take that inner beauty and wrap it around your head like bacon around a filet, you may start getting laid more often." I told that to a 33-year-old virgin at the office. I think she appreciated the gesture, as unkind as it may have come across.

* This is going to be an unbearably long 23 years that we are going to have to wait until we finally see the Backstreet Boys get inaugurated into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame.

* Nothing beats a good ass massage.

* When I was a child, our back yard was on the edge of a cornfield, so as children, we would play hide and seek in the corn. One day, I ran across this new kid Malachi, and he told me to go home and kill my parents. I went home and attacked mom with a paperweight, which caused her some pretty bad bruises, but I didn't kill her. In fact, that's when I started taking Ritalin. And my punishment was that I was never allowed to play with Malachi the Corn Boy again. I often wonder what ever happened to that crazy little bastard.

* I know that babies don't sweat. But I think if they got up off their lazy diapers and mowed the yard they'd work up a healthy glow.

* How come I'm never asked if I'm a true brunette?

* I like to feed rabbits Raisinettes because then they start eating anything that looks like Raisinettes in their cage. Man ... those wacky rabbits ...

* Why hasn't anyone invented "Tooth Paint"? The do-it-at-home painting of your front teeth where they sparkle for like 12 hours for first dates, portrait photographs and DUI mug shots? Why, I ask...why?? Is everyone leaving it up to me now??

* Was Willie Wonka gay or am I just missing the whole point of "The Chocolate Factory"?

* Children are starving in France. And yet the place is overflowing with french fries and french onion dip. Go figure.

* Hey guys ... here's a fun thing to think about while showering ... the act of circumsision.

* I never promised you a rose garden. So quit telling everyone that I did, you lying whore.

* Hotels expect you to steal their linens. But, as my cousin Dave found out, they don't expect you to steal their beds.

* I keep waiting for funnier shit to come out too. Bear with me. I'm scraping the bottom of the left half of my brain here.

* The next time you're being hypnotized, do this to freak out the hypnotist. Stand up like a robot, stretch your arms out ahead of you and say with a blank stare, "Must ... kill ... hypnotist ..." You can make sounds come out of the hypnotist that sound like several little girls screaming.

* Here's what I think is stupid: Brain damage.

* If the rich keep getting richer and the poor keep getting poorer, where does this leave the meek? I mean ... how much earth is going to be left for them to inherit?

* How come bottled water comes with an expiration date?

* Why do dogs bark hysterically in their own yard, but when you take them for a walk they clam up like Tibetan Monks? I think it's because they try to act like they are "above" barking; like they're hoity-toity dogs. I'm speaking strictly on behalf of my dog, not yours. Don't get your panties in a wad, you dog-loving freak.

* I know that for the most part, girls are made up of sugar and spice and everything nice. But how about Madonna? There has to be some puppy dog tails in that woman somewhere. I'd check her crotch region.

* There's humor in tripping over an ottoman to answer the phone. But for some reason, tripping over an ottoman to escape a burning building just isn't nearly as funny.

* Isn't it amazing how we are all at the mercy of telemarketers now? Huh?? Whazzat?? We're not?!? Since when?!?

* How do you mend a broken heart? I'm not sure, but I would start with a needle, thread and stapler.

* I can lather, that's no problem. Rinsing comes second nature to me. But there is nothing on God's green earth that will ever, EVER get me to repeat. I mean ....FUCK THAT SHIT!! REPEATING IS FOR LITTLE GIRLS AND HOUSEWIVES!!

* Would Al Roker be as lovable if he was a snooty white woman? Of course, because then he would be Candace Bergen. And she's pretty lovable in a cantankerous way, isn't she?

* When a milkman laughs, does milk automatically come out his nose?

* What man in his right mind would want ALL his rowdy friends coming over to his home at one time? Maybe one or two ... but when you're inviting all your rowdy friends to come over tonight, you're just asking for trouble with a capital T, Junior.

* I think that the critically acclaimed "Ernest" movie series lost its creative juices the moment Ernest got his penis stuck in a vacuum cleaner.

* Okay ... how about instead of guns, we shoot each other with rubber bands? That way, at worst, you'd put an eye out if you shot somebody. And let's face it ... those rubber bands STING!!! But what would we shoot the cows with for our beef and leather? That would have to be one humongous rubber band, huh?

* When will Kathie Lee Gifford ever figure out that we just don't give a shit?

* Are white guys allowed to practice voodoo? And if so, do you know where I can get some rooster blood and a voodoo doll of the neighbor behind me whose dogs keep digging holes under my fence and try to impregnate my wife while I'm not home?


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Have you read these?

The End Of Uncle Bob - 12:28 p.m. , 2009-02-19

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That Sinking Feeling - 6:09 a.m. , 2008-10-28

Return Of The Karate Kid And His Slow Kitty-Lovin' Accomplice - 5:44 a.m. , 2008-10-22

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