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5:42 a.m. - 2001-11-05

I tried to watch the Emmys last night. After Ellen's monologue, which I thought was funny, it went downhill.

Mainly because I don't watch any of the shows nominated.

None of them.



May I go ahead and add "Nada"??

Thank you.


I have come to realize that I watch an awful lot of television ... just nothing redeeming or award-worthy.

I mean...where was the WWF last night? That's one of the highest rated shows on cable! You mean to tell me more people watch "Sex And The City" than Monday Night Raw??

Color me shocked.

And I quit watching hour long drama series after "L.A. Law" went off the air. Susie watches all that crap..."Law & Order", "The Practice", "Judging Amy", "ER", "Lawyers And Doctors Sit Around For An Hour And Bitch About Their Jobs And Lovelifes".


I think they're all the same f'n show.

So I don't watch them. 9:00 central time is my "computer time". That's where if I'm still awake, I get to play on the computer. Unless Andrew's still awake and wants to play "Cram The Finger In Daddy's Belly Button" which is a game he's getting quite fond of.

The kid gets 23 toys for his birthday and he'd rather see how far he can stick his finger in my belly button. He's a strange one, I'm tellin' ya.

Anyway...we watched the Emmys while I wrote out thank you cards for all of Andrew's gifts. Then at 9, I BEGGED Susie to let me watch "The Man Show" (by the way...where was The Man Show's Emmy?) Susie decided to let me watch it because she was too tired to fight over it.

Well, The Man Show wasn't on at 9. It was the celebrity Friar's Roast of Hugh Hefner!!

Wheeee!! I'd much rather watch grown men call each other cocksuckers than watch The Man Show!

So we watched that. Susie was admittedly appalled. She couldn't believe some of the stuff that was said and asked if these guys really hated each other.

I had to explain the appeal of the Friar's Roast. It's basically a bunch of comedians with extremely low self esteem who verbally assault each other for an hour without anyone really taking offense at it, but then on the ride home they wonder "Does Gilbert Gottfried REALLY think I'm gay?"

I laughed at several of the lines and jokes. One of my favorites...a classic joke...

A little boy walks into the bathroom and catches his Dad putting on a condom.

"Daddy, what are you doing," the little boy asks.

The Dad is flustered. "I'm...I'm trying to catch a mouse," he lies.

The boy says "What are you going to do after you catch it? Fuck it?"

Ahhhh...nothing like the classics, huh?

I actually watched the end of the World Series last night too.

And when I say the end, I mean the last five minutes or so.

I guess I was kinda rooting for the New York Yankees during those five minutes. You kinda wished that they could win and give their city something to be proud of in light of the recent tragedies.

But nope.

They choked.

Now Arizona can gloat and brag about how they beat a team who wasn't mentally into the game because they had lost friends and loved ones several weeks ago.

Way to go, Arizona.

I guess you probably want to beat the players' grandmothers up now, huh?

If ever there was a need to throw a game...this was it.


I can't BELIEVE I'm talking about baseball here.

Somebody check my head for a fever.

Sooo...I get a call yesterday afternoon after church.

It was Reverend Brian. Apparently one of our elderly church members had locked her keys in her car at the mall and he wanted to know if I'd be a good Samaritan and go help her out.

I said sure.

I drove to the mall, found the lady's car and threw a brick through her driver's side window.

Then I sped off.

Problem solved, Granny.

Actually, I had to get her in my car, drive to the church and look for her keys that she KNEW she had dropped in the church, she just didn't know WHERE they were.

The deal was...she dropped her keys in the church. When she got to her car in the church parking lot, she KNEW she had lost her keys, so she used her spare set to drive her car. She locked her SPARE set in the car.

I was all like..."Yo Granny...if you KNEW you dropped your keys in the church while at the church, why didn't you go back in THEN and find your keys?"

She told me she was getting scatterbrained in her old age. This is twice in two months she's locked her keys in her car.

And we trust this woman teaching Sunday School. I'm shocked she hasn't told the children that God's made of cotton candy and he can turn Cheerios into hamburgers.

...The batty old fruit loop...

While at church yesterday, I announced that I was having a heart catherization done on Friday and for everyone to keep me in their prayer list.

After church, a lady came up to me and told me she had just had the cath done two weeks ago.

"How was it," I said.

"Oh the actual operation's a piece of cake," she said. "You don't feel a thing."

Then she goes on to tell me that afterwards her entire groin was bruised black and blue because her doctor had done something wrong with her main artery. She also said that she didn't drive for a week afterwards and that if you see even a drop of blood to call 911 because if that artery starts bleeding, you will bleed to death before you can get to the hospital.


Well then.

Ain't this grand?

I could very well have a bruised penis as I bleed to death.


This is how I wanted to spend the weekend alright.


I wasn't scared until I talked to her.

Now I can't stop my teeth from chattering.

I hope this is a long week.

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