current entry older entries message board contact
5:25 a.m. - 2001-06-07


If you ever get the chance to visit a redneck family after they've just given birth to a baby, by all means ... do it.

This was more fun than your average episode of HBO's "Real Sex".

Last night, Susie, my boy Eddie Lavoie and I (plus Andy) decided to pay a visit to Drunk-Assed Jamie(TM) and his wife Stephanie in the hospital after the birth Tuesday of their daughter Caitlin Douglas.

...Douglas being her MIDDLE name. Yes...the kid is already scarred for life. May as well named her Caitlin Marvin or Caitlin Henry.

Susie gets home last night about 6 and has to feed our baby. Our baby is being fussy and doesn't WANT to eat. So for 30 minutes, we put up with his squirming and crying before Susie finally says "Fine. No eating for you."

We stop by the local drug store to get a prescription for the kid and pick up something to take Stephanie and Jamie.

Now...when WE had Andy, our room was so full of flowers it wasn't funny. Everyone and their mother sent us flowers. But the one gift I remember was a bag full of snacks (naturally). The flowers were nice, blah blah blah, but it was the snacks that perked my ass up, because you get hungry sitting in the same hospital room for days on end and you find there's nothing else to do but eat junk food.

So we bought four big bags of candy, dumped them in a baby bag, bought a card and were done with it.

We get to the hospital and can't find the room. My drunk-assed boss (Jamie's dad) told me they were in room 227.



Shoulda known.

After patrolling the halls for several minutes, we found their room.

We get in there and it's Stephanie sitting on the bed with Jamie's Mom there.

And only ONE bouquet of flowers.

Ironically, it was from the newspaper, which I had suggested after the baby was born "We need to send them flowers".

Apparently, rednecks don't give each other flowers after the birth of their baby. How was I to know?

So we ask where's Jamie?

"Jamie went to get me a hamburger," Stephanie said. "I HATE this hospital food."

Lemme tell ya about Stephanie. She bitches about EVERYTHING. She's a chronic complainer and isn't happy unless she's pissed about something or "hating" something.

I had told both Eddie and Susie to watch ... Stephanie was going to bitch and complain about something. I had HOPED she would be on her best behavior, but I knew she wouldn't be.

So we wait about ten minutes, make some small talk about babies, and I say "Where did Jamie go to get the hamburger...Steak and Shake?"

"No," she said "Alligators."

Now...Alligators is a smoky little bar here in town that makes hamburgers and other foods. It's where Stephanie and Jamie first met ... Stephanie was a waitress there and Jamie was a drunk-assed idiot there.

Alligators. Okay. That explains everything. Jamie's getting drunk.

So Stephanie decides to call Jamie on his cell phone that he stole from a cable company (another long story...I'll tell ya later).

Somebody else picks up Jamie's phone and answers it and tells Stephanie he's waiting on the burger.

Stephanie tells the person to tell him to hurry and that he's got a roomful of people waiting to see him.

She hangs up the phone and tells us how she "hates" when other people answer someone else's cell phone.

Just hates it.

Meanwhile, she's also waiting on her baby, who she called down to the nursery 45 minutes ago to bring her baby to her.

Since Susie and I just went through this seven months ago and have somewhat of a clear memory of the ordeal, we point out that all babies stay in the nursery from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. because of the shift change. After 8:00, they'll bring the baby to her.

This goes right over Stephanie's head because she's been a chronic pot smoker since she was nine years old.

Stephanie sits there and stares at the TV, not wanting to talk to anyone in the room. She just wants her husband to get there with her food. The rest of us make awkward small talk and wait impatiently for Jamie to get there.

Finally, Eddie and I decide to leave the room and walk down to the nursery just to get away from the women in the room.

We get to the nursery and Jamie walks in with a bag full of food and an Australian guy named John.

I smelled the alcohol before Jamie got near us.

"Isn't she beautiful," he bellowed. "Where is she??"

I pointed to a little girl that the nurses were dressing. "That's her," I said.

"Where is she?" Jamie repeated while stumbling. "I want my daughter!"

People started looking.

Jamie introduced us to John. Apparently, John had written a poem about Caitlin Douglas that made Jamie cry when he read it (that and the several Jack and Cokes made him cry). So Jamie brought John along to read the poem to Stephanie and give it to her.

We all walk to the room and Stephanie is about to eat her mattress, she's so hungry.

Jamie gives her the food and a Dr. Pepper in a bottle that she specifically asked for.

She goes to open the Dr. Pepper.

It spews all over her and her bed.

World War Fucking III.

"Did you shake this?" she asks Jamie.

Jamie's too busy breathing his stank alcohol breath all over everyone to answer her.

"Did you drop my Dr. Pepper, Jamie," Stephanie asks harshly.

"No baby," Jamie says. "Ah just picked it up at the store right 'side the hospital."

Stephanie started cleaning herself up with a napkin, balled the napkin up and threw it on her hamburger, pouting.

Nobody was paying attention to her because the baby had just been wheeled in.

I was standing near her bed and didn't want to say anything to her because whatever I said would be the wrong thing to say.

Susie's on the floor, mopping up Dr. Pepper. Stephanie's telling her not to do it, but Susie does it anyway because Dr. Pepper gets a little sticky when it's left on the floor for any amount of time.

Stephanie takes a bite of her burger and looks disgusted.

"It's burnt," she said, tossing the burger back in the styrofoam tray, which causes it to fall apart. "I wish you had asked them not to burn it."

"I'm sorry, Baby," Jamie slurs. "Ah didn't know they was go' burn it."

This wasn't good enough for Stephanie. So while everyone cooed over the baby, she sat back in her puddle of Dr. Pepper and just stared at the TV, knowing that we had all planned this to ruin her whole fucking day.

I was uncomfortable at this point, grabbed Andy who was beginning to get bored being in the same hospital room for an hour, and we walked out in the hallway where we could do cute father and son things that would turn on the nurses who find a grown man cooing over a baby exceptionally sexy.

Trust me guys ... it works. Women dig guys who act like idiots around babies. I caught them checking out my bulge several times and I'm not talking about my gut.

So inside the room, John has been coaxed into reading his poem out loud to everyone in the room.

It's the first poem John ever wrote. But he was inspired to write it the day before Caitlin Douglas was born.

I heard bits and pieces of it. There were a shitload of "mother" -"brother" rhymes in it.

Jamie got choked up while he read it, because Jamie couldn't help but imagine how good it would sound with a bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand.

Meanwhile, Stephanie's thinking about how great it'd be to have a bong in the room while she listened to this Australian guy drone on and on about how this baby will love his mother, this baby will love his brother. It was like Dr. Seuss on ecstasy.

Andy saved the day by getting loud and fidgety which gave us the out of saying "We've gotta go...the baby's ready."

God bless children. Whenever you're somewhere that you really don't wanna be, all you have to do is secretly pinch them real hard, they cry, and you say the baby's getting fussy...we've gotta go.

God bless 'em.

So we left, all three laughing our asses off at how bitchy Stephanie was.

I give the marriage five years. They only got married because she got pregnant which is never a good way to kick off a marriage.

Then again, it's why my parents got married and they just celebrated their 40th anniversary, so I guess there are exceptions.

It's a shame because this baby is the most mature thing Jamie's ever accomplished.

But I wouldn't blame him a bit if he divorced her. Gawd. That woman makes Hitler look like Martha Stewart.

So hey ... if you ever get a chance to go to a redneck baby viewing ... do it.

It's more fun than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

0 comments so far
The last one/The next one

NEW!!!Come and write some BAD EROTICA with the cool kids!

My Diaryland Trading Card
Now go write a Suck Ass Poem™
Write me a note here.
Read my notes here.
Hey! Take the Uncle Bob Quiz!
What the hell! May as well take the wildly popular Uncle Bob Second Quiz too!
Thanks Diaryland
Designed by Lisa


Have you read these?

The End Of Uncle Bob - 12:28 p.m. , 2009-02-19

Losing Focus While Trying To Write A Blog Entry Is Cool. - 1:47 p.m. , 2008-12-04

Buck Up Junior, You Could Be Digging Ditches - 11:36 p.m. , 2008-10-31

That Sinking Feeling - 6:09 a.m. , 2008-10-28

Return Of The Karate Kid And His Slow Kitty-Lovin' Accomplice - 5:44 a.m. , 2008-10-22

Sign up for my Notify List and get email when I update!

powered by

Click on the button below to order the book "Never Threaten To Eat Your Co-Workers: Best of Blogs" featuring Uncle Bob.
You WON'T be sorry.


Read a random entry of mine.