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17:21:26 - 2000-02-12

Uncle Bob's Diary contains vulgar language, graphic details and severed body parts covered in peanut butter. I personally like to ask that if you're under 18, you at least have the common decency to not go running to your parents saying "Mommy, what's the Venus Butterfly?" It gives me a bad rap. Also ... if you're easily offended, you have SERIOUSLY taken a wrong fucking turn somewhere, pal.


by Uncle Bob

The biggest compliment I ever had from a woman was that I was "average sized".

I fell in love with her quicker than a rabbit's orgasm.

I have always had a fear that my penile hammering tool was too small for most women. When I turned 16, I got my license, went home, stripped naked and waited for my Louisville Slugger to grow, like my dick actually recognized birthdays.

DICK: Oh ... golly gosh ... I didn't realize it was our birthday, Uncle Bob. Here. Here's four more inches so you can be a little more confident in your strut and swagger.

UNCLE BOB: Gee...thanks Dick! Now I'm a normal male!!

I read somewhere one time that most guys penises were the same size flaccid as they were hard.

I wanted to cry.

(My wife just asked me what I was doing. I told her I was writing a diary entry about having a little dick. She just stared at me. I finally said "It's a joke." She said "I know. I've been fucking it for 13 years." She's such a card. She really needs her own diary. I'll mention that to her)

Anyway ... my wooly spitting hamster IS NOT the same size flacid as it is erect. I grow quite a bit when I get erect. At least a good 11 inches or so. Easily.

But flaccid, I'm hung like a newborn. Shit...I've seen umbilical buttons more hung than me. No lie...a Vienna Sausage has a bigger diameter than my Sex Puppet

But darlin' ... when the blood starts flowin' looks like one of those sixth grade nature films where time lapse photography catches a flower blossoming.

But then again ... I think most of us have seen a penis get erect at one time or another. The actual gall of me trying to explain the erection process of my personal penis sickens me. Please forget I even tried to describe my erection.

Oh great. Now I've made a big deal out of it. Now it's all you're going to think about. My pathetic little worm turning into a snake. A grass snake, mind you...not a python.

And I'm an adequate lover. I've never seriously hurt anyone other than the time I got a little frisky during an oral sex session and did some serious bodily damage.

Well ... her screams would have led you to believe I swallowed her uterus. So I nibbled a bit hard on the one place they don't like to be nibbled hard. Hell ... now you've got women piercing them. For God's sakes gal ... GET A GRIP AND ENJOY THE RIDE.

She was a spoiled little brat anyway. Always bitching about one thing or another. "You never take me out to eat". "You never satisfy me with your penis." "You never take me to my Girl Scout meetings."


Some women here at Diaryland say size matters. My gal Fawn is a big advocate of large penises. The next Mrs. Uncle Bob has already let us know that girth matters in her tunnel of love.

...I guarantee you ... I'd leave both women more disappointed than Hillary Clinton on Election Day.

BUT ... I will make them both laugh harder than they've ever laughed before.

...Believe you me ... one look at my puny Hammer of Love has always done the trick.

Any thoughts on penis size??

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