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20:56:37 - 2000-02-05

Ya know...I've got to say ... I'm hooked on Diaryland.

It's the people, babe. The people on this site are just the coolest. If you don't like the 14 year old whiner that puts all her thoughts into poetry, you can go to the divorced nymphomaniac who has intimate relations with the contents of her produce drawer. If you click on the "previous" button on My Diaryland ring of Wackos, you get some guy in prison. I bet he's tickled shitless that I'm the guy people see right after they see his site. From prison to me.

Of course ... THE ABSOLUTE BEST diaries on the net are found on my People Page . Because only THE BEST Diarylanders review my site.

That said ... I'd like to waste a little space here printing each quote from my People Page thus far and thank each of them in my own personal way.

* Squibnocket writes "speaking as someone who understands the true scariness of teeth near a vital, squishy organ...i salute you, uncle bob!"

Sounds to me like Squib is all over that "Once bitten, twice shy" credo too.

* Lisa Mcc writes "Uncle Bob touched me in my special place."

Alright...there's soooo much I can do with this ... I'll give you the first three off of the top of my head...

(1)"Yes ...and you promised not to tell anyone, you bad little girl."

(2)"Didn't most Penthouse letters end with that phrase?"


(3) "I knew I was big. But I had NO IDEA it stretched to Boston."

(Could I get a rim shot please??)

* Sleepflower writes "Uncle Bob's diary kicks arse! It's the only one I've read so far that makes me laugh out loud while other entires make me want to cry. I love this diary!"

* Cool. I'm now an official arse kicker! Apparently, I'm not pulling my weight in the depressing and morose category for diaries. Remind me to tell y'all about the time I had to watch my pet goldfish die of fish bronchitis. And bring yer Kleenex.

* Methybeth writes "Well hello Unka Bahb! Uncle Bob made me laugh out loud, and it roused my cat from atop my monitor, and she leaped down and stalked off grumbling. She hates Uncle Bob, and wishes him pain and hemorrhoids. I, however, think he's a hot buttery stud rhino. Yowza. Rrrowl. Uncle Bob, I think it's a bit disturbing that we both mentioned John Wayne Gacy in our diaries within two days of each other. Did you see mine first, or are we psychically connected, and I have to stalk you and boil your pets? Break out the Jagermeister, I'm coming in. Keep writing, or I'll hurt you. :o) Love, Methy."

First off ... this isn't the first time I've had a steamed pussy on my hands. Trust me, I can handle it.

Second ... I will NEVER have a hemmerhoid.

Third ... I am NOT a hot buttery stud rhino. I know. You're standing there saying "I can't believe its not buttery stud rhino". Sorry.

Well...maybe just a little ...

Like everything else in my diary, of course I stole the John Wayne Gacy gag from you. Everything on this site has been stolen from one Diarylander or another, but most of it has been nicked from you, Methy Beth.

One question...Methy Beth ... is that "Messy Bess" with a lisp?

* Kelly writes "I seriously beleeve that you are what dland is all about. You make me happy when skies are blue!!! Okay that was gay but I just wanted to jump on the bandwagon and profess my love for your diary."


Huah!! (pronounced "hoo-wah" and emphasized by shooting my right fist into the air and sharply bringing my elbow down to my side in a show of "IN YOUR FACE!!" victory).

Kelly, yer so damned sexy...I'd be honored to have you ride on my bandwagon.

* Geekchic writes "I used to be scared of guys like you when I drove through the south. I mean that as a compliment though, really. ;-) Quite an amusing journal!"

Alright now...I'm trying really hard to imagine how being scared of guys like me is a compliment. It's kind of like saying "You know, for an ax murderer, he's really got a keen sense of fashion." Regardless, I'm sure it's just a backhanded compliment that has somehow flown over my head. I'm sure that deep down, you love your Uncle Bob and didn't mean to hurt him like you have. Rest easy, my geeky pal.

* quibblings writes “ me, ‘Uncle Bob...The World's Most Dangerous Uncle’” ….ohdearlord! …he’s not being facetious about his title, either! if i had kids, i’d keep them the hell away from him…but as for myself, i’m praying he’s into polygamy."

Okay ... which one is polygamy? Is that where I like to have sex with total strangers on the other side of the country that I meet over diary journals??? If that's the case, I'm gonna go fetch me a "Hi, My Name Is Joe Polygamist" sticker... and grab my Viagra while at it....

* Helb chimed in with "Hilaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrriiioussssss. (Said with an English accent.)"

That English accent made me abnormally horny. I'm about to dry hump my keyboard drawer.

* Horsemanure writes "Definately makes up for your picture up there....."

Horsepoop girl is referring to the pic on my People Page with me and the little girl shooting birds at the camera. Let me defend myself now and only now on this photo: (A) I thought it went good with the nickname and overall feel of the diary. (B) That kid is never going to remember shooting a bird at a camera when she gets older. To her it was just her Uncle Bob being silly. She won't EVER shoot another bird at anyone again.


Actually ... I think the Poopster was just mad because I wasn't as stunningly handsome as her sexual fantasies had led her to believe I was going to be.


* John Galt writes "Haha! As Zsa Zsa Gabor says, "Vondarrfull!" By the way, that pic up there: Is that you with the wife?"


...some people....the nerve...the gall...

And thanks a heap for bringing up Zza Zza. You must have skipped my entry on how that bitch broke my heart when I was working my way through college as her pool boy. You cruel and insensitive bastard.

* Plumcrazey writes "Um, what a day for me to read for the first time. Interesting topic! I'm looking forward to reading about your issues on the BJ."

*Plummer is talking about the entry on losing my virginity. It was thanks to her that I quickly wrote my disjointed and slipshod "Why I hate Blow Jobs" entry. I'm not sure if I ever even really got to the heart of why I hate them. I'll have to go back and check when I have absolutely nothing better to do with my time.'s a true story/fact about me. My wife (to my knowledge) hasn't given head in 13 years. Does that mean that I'm the best husband in the world or is it pure torture?? I know she's not complaining.

* Somebody who forgot to leave their name and address writes "sort of trash, but you're from alabama, so that's expected."

Now, this is the type of review that would devastate someone with a thinner skin than mine. Luckily for me, I realize that the poor soul who wrote this is just under a lot of stress because lately they've noticed blotches on their genitalia that won't seem to go away. And in their minds, they are convinced that these blotches are festering because they can't stop having sex with the family pet. This obsession, that has been going on for a few years, is the result of this poor soul's inability to form a decent relationship with another human being, male or female, living or deceased. Nobody wants to have sex with this poor soul. This is because their personality, which comes off as a cross between lethargic and mentally handicapped, repulses people in real life. It's as if they were walking around with rotting flesh in their teeth.

Heh. Truth be told, I'd probably love this person. As long as they were a bit more creative than they showed here. If yer gonna slam me, that's cool. But don't wanna get in a verbal debate with the Bobber and you SURE AS HELL don't want to challenge me in an interactive debate. I'll explain why some other time.

* Amber writes "Ack! You induce my hysterical laughter!"

* When I first saw Amber's diary, I was soooo appalled by her photos. Which meant I fell in love at first sight. To know that I've made this disturbed individual laugh is one of the greater joys I've ever experienced in life.

Christ. That was the biggest load of shit I've tossed out in some time. Nice to see I haven't lost my touch at "instant kiss ass mode" sprinkled with a liberal dose of sarcasm.

* Another person who forgot to leave their name and address writes "You are the best UncleBob! Can I have your baby?"

Okay ... I'm an old man. The first thing that goes through my head is "Some hot, anonymous 21 year old wants to hook up and do the horizontal bop with Uncle Bob" until she's cocked and loaded with my patented UncleBob's Super Spermies(TM).

The second thing that goes through my head is "What if this is someone I already know in real life who wants to fuck until the dawn -- making love 'til cherry's gone?"

The third thing that goes through my head is "What if this is MY WIFE who accidently stumbled upon the site and is sending me a note to let me know she's ovulating."

The fourth thing that goes through my head is "Goddammit fuck it all to hell, why the fuck am I fucking married when a hot, anonymous 21 year old wants to hump me just because I can string together a couple of sentences????



And of course ... the LAST thing that went through my head was ... "Oh shit. She just thinks the kid next to me is cute in the picture and wants to adopt her. Who the hell wants to get jiggy wit Uncle Bob?? I mean ... cmon...I'M NOT DLOVE!!!"

(Bob waits quietly for any arguments raised in his defense. The silence is deafening)

* Kidsparrow writes shit, bob, are you from Tennessee? ack. Opryland?! oh hell no."

I think Becca freaked because she thought I was going to be waiting outside her bedroom window tonight with a flashlight, a travel pack of Kleenex and a grin. Yes dear, my formative years were spent in Tennessee. But I'm not there now. And I worked at Opryland from 1976-1980 ... you were a baby. I may have made you smile as you got on the skyride, filled with utter fear as your father insisted you would love every minute of it. I made a face where my eyes bugged out and rolled back into my head and you screamed in terror. You remember me now??

* Equin0x writes "He doesn't write a thing about his own life but he's just too damn funny!"

*I'm pretty sure this was written before I started the whole "My First Time" series. So I'm cuttin' the E-man some slack here.

I'm too damned funny. You know. In some countries you can be put to death for such a thing.

* Anenigma writes "You are the bomb, I steal all my best stuff from you."

* Funny Darlin' ... My memory ain't what it used to be...but I can't recall ever reporting the time I helped a Domanatrix crush a man's balls.

But that doesn't mean I WON'T get around to reporting it...

Hey, seriously....thanks to all you guys that signed and reviewed the diary. You're all a buncha swell space cadets and together we can make a difference in this world.

Yep. That was more sarcasm.


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