MY BOY'S SMARTER THAN STEPHEN HAWKING ... AND DROOLS LESS TOO

Okay...there are smart babies in the world ... then...there's MYYYYY baby who put the "Intel" in "Intelligent".

(You know...Intel...like the processor chip thing. It makes yer computer smarter...you know...)

ALREADY, this kid is smarter than me.

"How did that happen, Uncle Bob?" you ask, mindlessly scratching your crotch.

Well, dear reader...lemme tell ya the facts.

* He turned one week old last night, so how did he celebrate??? BY ROLLING OVER!!!

Yep...He rolled over like his ass was on fire. At what age do most kids roll over?? Well...according to my research, most kids don't roll over until they're NINE YEARS OLD!!!

So...that means he's REALLY ahead of himself, huh?

* He slept ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT!!!

Everyone snickered when I said my boy would sleep all night ... they mocked me...they stood behind my back and made funny faces and said (in Cartman voice) "Ewww...muh boy's go' sleep all night, dudes."

One freakin' week is all it took and that kid was sawing some SERIOUS logs!

I'm so proud of him...I just wanna run in there and hug the shit out of him.

We've learned the secret of having him sleep all night, so some credit should be tossed his mom and pop's way.

Susie took Darvocet last night for the pain in her back. Her breast milk musta carried the pain killer into his system and BOOM!!! Instant sleeping baby!!

Whooohoooo!! Next week...black tar heroin!!

Well ... plus at 9 p.m. I put him down on his activity mat and we did our exercises. Which consist of me lifting his legs UP and then bringing them DOWN. UP. DOWN. UP. DOWN.

He loves that crap. Personally, I find it boring, but it beats watching "The Little Mermaid" over and over.

Plus, his mat is all in black, white and red, which are the three colors that stimulate babies. He stares at the stuff on that mat for hours. Okay...minutes. But still...he's just fascinated by it.

Then at 10 p.m. we gave him a bath. He LOVES baths. He kinda grins and coos and flashes his dimples and just lays there all still and stares at us.

God, I love him.

Is it THAT obvious??

*********************************************

Went to buy groceries yesterday. I went to Food World, which is basically our ....ummmm... well ... it's not one of our more upscale grocery stores. There's broken jars of salsa on every aisle...pimps and whores hanging out in the produce department...that kinda thing.

But the prices are the lowest in town and I can wade through the lowlifes and debauchery to save a few bucks. I don't let Susie go there by herself anymore though. The last time I did that, she was talked into becoming a crack whore and she didn't come home until 1997.

So, I'm walking down the potato chip aisle and I hear this lady talking really loud on the next aisle. I figured it was two people having a conversation.

The lady rounds the corner and she's either a crack whore or she has Tourette's. She is talking to herself LOUDLY and at times HOLLERING. It kinda freaked me out a bit because we both wanted Tostitos and that's kinda where we met.

I couldn't understand a single word she was saying. Maybe I was trying NOT to understand her, but she was just babbling at a loud, loud pitch.

It made me laugh, because she wasn't dressed very nice and smelled funny, so I just figured she was a crazy assed crack whore.

I saw her again on the frozen food aisle and she was making "Whoop! Whoop!" sounds so that's when I thought she had Tourette's. Because one time on "L.A. Law" they had a guy with Tourette's on and he kept yelling "Whoop! Whoop!"

So I decided to make her feel better about herself and her disease by hollering "Whoop! Whoop!" myself.

...It shut her up real quick.

*********************************************

Susie's mom came over briefly yesterday to cry.

Yes, cry.

She actually brought Maggie some dog food that she bought at the commisary on base, but then she started telling Susie a story about how she offered to cut our 16-year-old niece's hair for her and how our niece's mother (who's clinically insane) went off on her BIG TIME!

Okay ... my sister in law is not CLINICALLY insane...but she has had a couple of nervous breakdowns in the past, so you know...once you're crazy, you're always crazy in my book.

Anyway, our niece has ALWAYS had the same hairstyle...long and limp. She has long dark hair that goes all the way down her back and to her butt.

She wants something more fashionable than the Pocohontas look. Something shoulder length with bangs.

Her mom REFUSES to let her change her hairstyle.

She's 16.

SIXTEEN.

It's a subject that the kid has learned to not even BRING UP around Mom. Her hair will be long and straight and that's final.

So anyway, Grandma agrees to cut Melissa's hair because Grandma LOVES cutting hair, even though she's really bad at it. Melissa's mom freaks out and tells Grandma NO WAY is she going to TOUCH Melissa's hair.

This makes Grandma cry, rush out and buy my dog some dog food, and then come over here, plop down in my recliner and share this sad, sad tale with Susie, who could give two shits because she has a newborn baby to care for and doesn't have time to care for this 66-year-old baby.

I was busy putting up groceries and missed the hysterics. I'm kinda bummed that I did. Except Grandma wanted a hug after telling the story and I just don't hug Grandma. She smells like cheap, stale cigarette smoke and she makes me gag.

I'm just glad she didn't try to cut Andrew's hair while she was here.

I'd have to break out the kung fu on her bad hair-cuttin' ass.

I've gotta go ... my baby is being perfect and I have to go admire his techniques.

Kissie kissie.

*******************************************

QUESTION OF THE DAY

Who's your favorite family member and why?