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05:51:46 - 2000-03-29


It's my day off and I'm up at 5 a.m.

Now ... how fucked up is that?

Habit, I guess. Eh.


You know the funny thing about yesterday?

All my troubles seemed so far away.


But it seems as though they're here to stay.


Y'know...and I don't say this often...but I'm really starting to think that I believe in yesterday.

There. I said it.

So anyway...I get a call yesterday from our local Goodwill Industries.

Whenever Goodwill calls me, they want something. And I'm not talking about telemarketers from Goodwill wanting my big and tall clothes, I'm talking the bigwig at Goodwill calling me wanting my presence at a function. month, they're having a fashion show for their employees.

Now...keep in mind ... Goodwill employs the mentally and physically handicapped.

So ... this fashion show has all the makings of a uproarious Uncle Bob entry.

Anyway...I'm going to serve as one of the celebrity escorts that walk each of the employees onto the runway.

I think it's a pretty good little thing to do. This gives the employees a burst of self esteem that they normally wouldn't have had. I mean...c'mon...that's a great thing to do.

...I just pray to God none of them try to rip my arm out of its socket. You know those looney birds...always wanting to rip people's arms out of their sockets...

ANND ... I hope none of them try to bite my face. The handicapped in this town are NOTORIOUS for biting people's faces. It's some kind of retarded southern greeting I guess.

ANNOUNCER AT FASHION SHOW: "Next we have Hilda. Hilda is brain damaged and only has half a spinal cord. Hilda is wearing a lovely paisley sun dress with pearls and ....OHMIGOD!!! She's biting the escort's face off!!!! Security, get your stun guns!!!!"


HILDA: "Munch, munch, munch, slurp, munch, slurp...."


Well, c'mon. You KNEW I wasn't going to let it slide without ONE smartass comment.


I thought you said you KNEW me.

You don't KNOOOOW me.


Anyway...that'll be a rewarding experience. I'm kinda looking forward to it.

Oh yeah...I did NOT go see my buddy wrestle the other night. I was supposed to receive a second call to let me know for sure to come down and the second call never came. So something tells me The Black Angel walked to the ring with Metallica bursting out of a $50 boombox in the corner of the Armory.

I bet The Black Angel had to push the "play" button himself as he walked past the boombox.

...Shoulda called me, Blackie.

Last night I was walking my was dark ... and I heard a girl scream.

I looked toward the scream and I saw a big black guy run toward her and say (loudly) "I'm sick of your ass!"

Then he kinda chased her around the yard. It looked like they were playing.

He finally "hugged" her (from my vantage point) and then she was gone.

Vanished in thin air.

I looked closer and she was on the ground.

In the meantime, this guy jumps into a car that his buddy was driving, and they peel out.

Then, the car stops, gets thrown in reverse and the guy jumps out of the car again, runs over to where the girl was and did something or said something. I couldn't tell.

Then he jumped back in the car and they took off down the street with no lights on.

And I felt sick afterwards.


I have this complex where I feel like I have to "save" everyone.

A God complex?? Possibly.

The girl got up and ran into a house across the street, so at least she wasn't dead.

But I felt like shit because I just kept walking instead of helping her.

Now then ... here's the deal.

A) I have no idea what was REALLY going on there. It looked ugly, but maybe it wasn't.

B) When teenagers are driving with no lights on, chances are they're gang members ready to start shooting.

C) This guy was BIG!! Much bigger than me.

D) And more than likely, he had a gun and wasn't prepared for a stern lecture from Uncle Bob on how to treat a lady.

Anyway...I kept walking and it pissed me off more and more that I didn't react other than watching them.

But two things kept running through my head...

I'm gonna be a daddy and I don't wanna be a dead daddy.

...And if ANYONE ever touches my little girl like that, he's gonna be one dead sonofabitch.

Like I told my wife, had it been light out and I could actually get a better feel as to what was going on, I may have interfered.

But Jesus...teens today many of them have no respect for human life.

And I just don't wanna get a cap in my ass because some girl is screwing around on her man.

Especially when I ain't the one getting screwed.

Anyway, I came home feeling like a huge wimp when I really shouldn't. It's not MY FAULT that I happened to be walking by while a domestic argument ensued. Hundreds of these arguments take place every day...I can't save everyone.

I'm NOT a cop.

I'm NOT Superman.

I'm Uncle Bob.

Sorry. Sometimes I just need to convince myself of these things.

The sun's up now. It's coming up earlier and earlier each day now.

I think I'll go for a walk.

But this time...I'm packing some heat.

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