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5:24 a.m. - 2002-01-02


Where to begin...where to begin...?

The in-laws are gone. The ten day trip from Hell lasted an amazing four days, two of which we weren't even here to be privy to.

This was BY FAR the most relaxing visit from them I can ever remember having. Simply because the kids were kept at Grandma's until the very end. They didn't like that one single bit since Grandma's knees are bad and just aren't up to the repeated dry humpings that my chunky knees are able to withstand.

The reason they decided to leave two days early?


Now...keep in mind...the last snow of ANY accumulation in our city was March, 1993. Almost EIGHT years ago.

THIS is what it looks like outside my front door right now.

Like I've said...this kind of snow would make you Yankees snort and giggle.

But it sends Alabamians into a state of panic. I'm SURE a state of emergency will be announced by our governor any minute now. The National Guard will be employed to get out there and keep looting at a low roar. Cars will go skidding off of bridges and go sailing through the air only to land and crash into one of those patented fiery auto crashes.

It's pandemonium, I'm tellin' ya.

I don't know if I have to work today or not. The snow is supposed to really pick up throughout the day, leaving us with as much as four inches by the end of the day.

Four inches of snow. There's a dick joke in there somewhere but I don't feel like searching for it.

I guess I'll call the evil boss Wendigo later on. I know she's not awake yet because she sleeps until 30 minutes before she's supposed to be at work because she's NOT a morning person.

Schools and businesses have already closed. They're going down the list right now on the television.

And I don't have anything scheduled for work today. I do have an interview scheduled for tomorrow, but as they say in Rome..."That's tomorrow, Senor Stinky."

Anyway...the in-laws saw the impending crazy unpredictable winter snow coming, packed their bags and tried to beat the storm out of town.

I grinned the whole time they were packing. I couldn't help it.

As a gift to the four boys, my sister-in-law went to pick them up from Grandma's to bring them over here.

As she put it "the boys have REALLY wanted to come see Uncle Bob all week."

I told her they just want to come over and play with my toys...they don't want to see me.

She insisted that they have a computer and Play Station at home and that's NOT the reason they wanted to come over. They wanted to be with me.

So she goes to get them, brings them back here at 4:30 in the afternoon.

What do they make a beeline to? Me or my computer and Play Station?

C' dumb are you??

OF COURSE they ran to the Play Station and computer.

BUT...there were no controls for the Play Station.

"What happened to your Play Station controllers," Patrick asked.

"The Play Station doesn't work anymore," I lied. "So I sold the controllers."

Heh heh heh.

So I leave the room for 30 seconds, come back and they're on the Internet.

"That's funny," I said, trying not to strangle the boys. "I don't recall telling you guys you could get on my computer."

"You did," the smartassed one said. "You're just getting old and don't remember so good."

So I let the little smartass play some stupid game on my computer, all along knowing that had he LET ME show them something much more interesting on the computer, they'd be a helluva lot happier.

Finally, the kid turned the game off.

"So," I said. "Have you guys seen Harry Potter yet?"

Intense babbling about fantasy and science fiction started so quickly I thought I had been transported to a Trekkie convention. Then I looked around and realized that a Trekkie convention would have much cooler people at it then my living room currently held.

I fired up Morpheus as they babbled, and pushed play on Harry Potter.

The movie started on my computer.

Their jaws dropped.

I had six boys crowded around my computer like a webcam from Britney Spears shower stall just showed up on the screen.

Naturally, one of the dorkier nephews spoke up.

"Have you got Lord of the Rings?"

Just then, a loud buzzing sound screamed through my house. Everyone evacuated the home and stood in the front yard before I was able to reset my Nerd Alarm and allow them all back inside.

They were here a total of 25 minutes. Enough time for my oldest nephew, the new Daddy, to drink a full can of soda and pop open another one for the road.

Did he ask to drink these?

Nope. Just went to the fridge, popped 'em open and slurped them down. Just like his lazy, asshole, $6,000-owing Uncle.

Ah...speaking of's some irony for you...the Texas bunch made it into town on Friday night.

By Saturday night, Grandma's inventory of soft drinks for the entire week was GONE. They had drank two cases of generic Cokes and Dr. Peppers in 24 hours by themselves.

I didn't see it myself, but reports say that Grandma was not very happy about that.

Which is ironic, because her precious son comes over to my house and helps himself to as much REAL Coca-Cola as he can drink during his visits.

So of course...I laughed when I heard this.

Revenge is sweet. Sweeter than that nasty generic Coke anyway.

All eight of the Texas bunch crowded into their SUV for the trip to North Alabama to see their other relatives. They were packed like sardines in there with a screaming, crying baby. They were all carrying dirty laundry on each of their laps as they pulled out of the driveway.

I snickered once again. This entire visit found me with a houseful of in-laws for only 25 minutes.

Yes Virginia...there is a God.

After they left, the local in-laws stuck around to rag on my oldest nephew, his girlfriend and their baby.

Not so much the baby...but the mother and father and how immature they are.

Everyone agreed...NOBODY likes our oldest nephew anymore. He treats his girlfriend like crap...he has no patience with his baby...he's still in his "sullen, thug-wannabe" mode where he wears a stocking cap pulled down over his head 24-7 and mumbles a lot.

In general, he's really gotten creepy.

Before they left, he approached me and asked me if I'd make him a CD if he emailed me a bunch of songs.

I smiled, put my hand on his shoulder and said "".

He just said "Okay, I just thought I'd ask."

I said "I'm kidding man, I'll make you a CD."

He said it was okay, he didn't care.

I really just wanted to smack him and remind him that I was the "joking" Uncle, not the "asshole, mooching, asshole" Uncle that my $6,000-owing brother-in-law is.

But I didn't.

Fuck the kid. He's an asshole. If he wants to be all sullen and mopey, go for it.


As I leave you, here's what I'm looking at now out my front door. That's my ass-smelling nasty dog in the picture. I've spared you a close-up of her ass. Thank me later.

Y'all have a good day. I'm gonna go make snow angels in this inch of snow.

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