WOULD SOMEBODY PLEEEASE SQUEEZE MY DOG'S ASS?

So yesterday was "Job Shadow Day" or something, to coincide with Groundhog Day.

I dunno if this was a national day or a local day ... but what it entails is high school kids coming to your place of employment to watch you do your job.

If some kid wants to be a doctor, he hangs out with a doctor all day.

If he wants to be a bus driver, he rides a bus all day.

If he wants to be a high school janitor, he kinda just hangs around the school all day, mopping up puke and cursing his career choices already while all his buddies are out of school for the day.

Me personally?? If I was still in high school, I woulda spoke up and said I wanted to be a gynecologist and poked my head between chicks' legs all day.

Anyway, a local girl wanted to be a journalist when she gets out of school.

So who does she get to hang with all day?

That's right.

Moi.

Her name was Jade and I seriously believe I've heard corpses make more noise than she did.

The first couple of hours were rough. I sat at my computer and demonstrated how I do things like lay out the pages of the newspaper and how we put ads on pages, etc.

She sat there, wishing she had said she wanted to be a high school janitor. I'm pretty sure she was bored. Then again, for all I know, she could have been praying. Praying for the day to be over.

All in all, I think she got the gist of what I do ... which is a whole lotta nothin' on Fridays.

She was definitly too quiet to be a reporter. The few times that she did speak, I could barely hear her. So I'd punch her in the shoulder and say "Speak up, wench!"

I think that may have frightened her somewhat.

Good luck Jade. We're all counting on you.

Andy is pretty congested now. His nose sounds like a radiator hose burst in his sinuses.

But ya know...he's NOT crying. He's as carefree as if he wasn't the least bit sick.

He fussed a little bit last night, but I think that's because he hates the show "Providence" due to his being a real man. Yet Mama insists we watch it every Friday night and enjoy this womanly hour together.

At least it's not that horrid HGTV crap. Jesus. I'd rather have my eyeballs sucked out by a high-powered vacuum then have to sit and watch HGTV for longer than 3 seconds.

My dog desperately needs her anal sacs squeezed.

She smells like an overturned outhouse, even though we just bathed her last week.

It's especially bad when she gets up and leaves a room. Her ass stench permeates the room.

Naturally, I REFUSE to squeeze my dog's anal sacs. My veterinarian tries to show me how to do it every time I take her in, but I hide in a corner in a fetal position whenever he starts squeezing her ass like a zit.

"Why don't you want to learn how to do this," he asks.

"It's your job," I say, waving my hands frantically.

"It would save you money off the total bill," he bribes me.

"That's okay, Doc," I respond. "I don't MIND paying you for doing this. Not one bit."

I think secretly he wants me to learn how to do it so he doesn't have to do it anymore. I mean ... how would you like to go to work and squeeze shit juice out of a dog's ass?

I guess it could be worse.

I guess you could be a high school janitor.

So I read the "Survivor" rumor that the guy who got kicked off Thursday night's show was caught masturbating in some bushes by his teammates and a camera crew.

A lot of people aren't believing this story and it does seem a little far-fetched if you think about it. I don't care how "into the moment" you may be ... if you're whacking your honker and you can't hear seven people and a camera crew sneaking up on you ... you have no business punishing the primate in public to begin with.

Of course ... now it makes a whole lot more sense why the guy was kicked off, even after proving he was the nicest guy and most helpful for the group, always trying to catch fish for everyone.

Sorry Spanky. Thanks for the fish and all, but you're a freak. See ya back in the states, Master Bater.

By the way ... with this new design, apparently it was tough for you guys to see my links yesterday.

This has been corrected.

From here on out, if I link to something in my entries, it shall be UNDERLINED like the "Survivor" rumor.

And by God ... if I go to all the trouble to set up a link, the least you little chimps can do is click on the link to see what I'm talking about.

...Damned little chimps...

Yesterday, you all missed pictures of me dancing with some ballerinas in the entry because you couldn't see the links.

Feel cheated yet???

Okay ... here's the excerpt from yesterday's diary with the links where you can see them now:

"But ... she's always liked me because I'll do anything for her ballet company.

Including whoring myself out and making a complete ass of myself to make her happy.

Then again ... maybe I'm just an idiot who's a sucker for punishment."

There.

Wasn't THAT fun??

That's about all I've got time for today. Susie had to go to work this morning, she took the baby with her, even though it's 35 degrees out, because if he gets fussy, SHE knows how to comfort him in his sickness. I just stand there and tap dance for him to quiet him down.

Which doesn't work.

Anyway ... she's calling the baby doc's office today to schedule an appointment for him to go in and get his head checked out, and I need to jump in the shower and be prepared to drop everything and meet her at the doctor's.

With that said ... I'm outta here. I doubt anything too exciting will be happening today, so I wouldn't really EXPECT an update here tomorrow.

But stranger things have happened.