My review of "Different Strokes: The Story of Jack & Jill ...& Jill"

Okay ... so I'm flipping channels last night and land on Skinamax, where the last movie from the late child actress Dana Plato is playing.

Dana Fuckin' Plato. For years, we knew her as Kimberly, the outgoing older sister to Arnold and Willis Drummond on "Different Strokes".

Then Dana went and got addicted to drugs, armed robbery...shiznit like that. She fell out of the public eye for years. And right after she made this film, she killed herself.

...Probably because she saw an advance copy of this miserable masterpiece ...

Dana plays Jill Martin (yes...damned near anytime anyone speaks of her, they call her "Jill Martin" not "Jill"). Jill Martin is a fashion photographer's assistant and a devout lesbian from New York who is sent to California to work with Jack (no last name). Jack ALREADY has a girlfriend named Jill (not ONCE do they go up a hill to fetch a fuckin' pail of water).

So Dana shows up at Jack's swinging California pad, they make conversation and Jill walks in. Immediately, Dana switches to Horndog mode, knowing that she desperately has to face hump this Jill lady and SOON!

So like five minutes into introductions, Jack announces he has to go to town with his gay friend Rick to get some supplies for the photo shoot the next day.

Dana decides this is a great time to seduce Jill.

So Dana bitches as SOON as Jack and Rick leave about needing a swim.

Jill offers Jack's pool.

Oops! Dana didn't bring a swim suit.

No biggie. Dana is a free-spirited lesbian. She doffs her clothes, dives in the pool and announces to the whole fucking neighborhood just how invigorating this pool is.

(NOTE TO SOFTCORE PORN PRODUCERS EVERYWHERE: If you are going to hire an ex-child actress to boost viewership of your otherwise unwatchable movies...pick one that's not so goddam loud as Dana Fucking Plato. This chick must be deaf in one ear, because she feels the need to scream every line she's given. Come to think of it...those Walton gals were always kinda quiet...

Ladies...a word of advice ... if you are going to go skinny dipping with someone that has never seen you naked before ... shave your ass. I'm talking about the hair in the crack of your ass. Some of you have no hair in your ass crack while others have a virtual forest.

Of course...Dana Fucking Plato looked like she was smuggling a group of Iranian immigrants in her ass.

EVERY TIME this girl would do a dive, the camera would focus on her ass and this long wet trail of butt hair riding up her crack. The first time it happened, I gagged. The second time I ran to the bathroom and dry heaved. After that, every time Dana got naked, I closed one eye and was always on the lookout for an ass shot so I could hurry and turn away.

So they swim together and Horndog Dana sets all the seductive lines in motion .... Jack treats Jill like shit...all men are shit...women rule....

Finally, Jill gets a little unnerved by Dana's wanton sexuality and extremely loud voice and announces she's going inside to take a shower.

...Little dollar signs ring up in Dana's eyes ...

KA-CHING!

So Dana "accidently" walks in the same bathroom as Jill...never mind this mansion is bigger than the Playboy Mansion, Dana could only find one bathroom in the joint and wouldn't ya know it...it's occupied.

Dana stands there like an idiot, making small talk about how large the shower is that Jill is currently occupying.

Jill, a devout heterosexual, sees nothing wrong in sharing the shower with Dana, who is standing there in the doorway with a body like a Russian weighlifter and a towel draped sloppily around her torso.

"Well," Jill starts...

"Don't finish it Jill," I yelled at the television, KNOWING she was going to cave in to Dana.

"...There's plenty of room in this shower for both of us, if you want to join me," Jill finishes.

I slapped my forehead and exclaimed "Doh!"

So they share a stream of water while chatting and Dana gets the idea to wash Jill's back.

Jill's a bit stiff. She already feels comfortable with Dana...I mean after all...they've known each other ten minutes...so a shower together, even though it's a novel idea, it's still kinda ...gross. Jill gets her back washed, and then excuses herself so Dana can stand in the shower and wash her man meat and fantasize of a slippery, soapy Jill.

Two things folks. If we be taking a shower together, we be humpin' like dogs directly afterwards. No pass "Go". No "Collect $200". Go directly to bed.

Second thing...yes ladies...watching two women shower together is indeed an erotic experience for a man.

...unless ... one of the afore-mentioned women is Dana Fucking Plato ... the world's most unsexy woman.

Shit goes on ... Dana wants Jill, Jack's treating Jill like shit...Dana's there to pick up the pieces.

The sex scenes are boring as hell. When the two Jills finally get around to doing the deed (after Dana feeds Jill honey on a spoon out of a jar and they both KEEP making orgasmic sounds to imply that the honey is indeed delicious), the sex is soooo boring, it's unwatchable. There's about two minutes of boob munching and then Dana moves down south for about 13.2 seconds, enough time for Jill to thrash around the bed like a fish out of water.

The next morning, we get a LONG shot of Dana's ass. Ladies...VERY FEW WOMEN have a perfect ass. Maybe 1 out of 100 women have them. The rest of you make do with your asses, and that's cool. Us men are quite happy with your less than perfect asses.

But the one place that us men EXPECT a perfect ass is in a Skinamax movie. We only want firm, tanned asses with nary a butt crack hair.

Dana Plato has the ass of Ed Asner. Pale, hairy and flabby.

And God does she like to show it off. Every time her ass was on screen I was convinced I had accidently sat on the remote and somehow ended up on the History Channel watching footage of the Hindenburg crashing.

And lest I forget about Jill. At the beginning of the flick,Jill is one hot tamale, bearing a striking resemblance to Kathy Ireland. By the end of the film, she looks like my dentist, Dr. Ronald Egge. How she manages to do this is a miracle. Steven Spielberg musta been on hand for those special effects to get her so ugly by movie's end.

Jack and Jill and Jill/Dana never get around to the menage a trois that is suggested by the movie's title. Dana moves back to New York, Jack goes and screws another swimsuit model and Jill is left standing on a balcony, wondering how the hell she became a lesbian in the course of two days.

The movie itself is your typical "car wreck". You don't want to look, but curiosity does you in and you soon become fascinated with it.

The only plausible plot of the movie is when Dana calls back to New York to talk to her lover (who's enjoying a lil' lesbian adultery while Dana leaves a message). When Dana finally gets ahold of her lover, her lover promptly dumps her.

"Why are you dumping me," Dana asks.

"Because you're Dana Fucking Plato, and I just realized I've been humping your skank ass," the lover should have replied.

THAT was the only realistic portion of the film. Because I can imagine ol' Dana getting dumped numero times in her sad life.

Dana tackles her role with comic relief, even though this is supposed to be an erotic drama. Every time she bounces into a room, you imagine her as Kimberly telling her dad how great her little black brothers are. I listened to her deliver lines for an hour before it dawned on me that she was using the same voice, technique and delivery as Alice from The Brady Bunch.

"Different Strokes: The Story of Jack and Jill" isn't for everyone. My suggestion is if you ever had a fetish for Kimberly Drummond shoving her pale, hairy and flabby ass into a camera for 90 minutes, this may be the flick for you.

...But I wouldn't get my hopes up ...

(If you liked that, you'll LOVE THIS.)