STUPID THINGS I'VE DONE WHILE DRUNK

* I got hammered (probably four beers at the time) before a blind double date and kept calling my date "Maria". Her name was Mary.

* I sat and watched helplessly while a friend vomited all over himself as he was not able to get out of his bean bag chair.

* I laughed hysterically at a friend in the back of a pickup truck going down the road who was vomiting into the wind and it was splattering back all over him on a cold November night.

* I walked around a pizza restaurant, asking for handouts or crusts that people weren't going to eat. I ate a girl's crust.

* I've taken off my shirt and screamed "GOOOO VOLS!!!" in bars.

* I once freaked out listening to a Frank Zappa record.

* Banged the keys on a guy's brand new Yamaha musical keyboard with reckless abandon while trying to convince everyone I was playing "Puff The Magic Dragon".

* Screamed at a guy to "SHUT THE FUCK UP" in a movie theater during a showing of "Pink Floyd The Wall" because he was chattering and got a standing ovation.

* Showed up at a gang fight with no idea what I was doing there.

* Got up on stage and danced at an Ohio Players concert while they were playing "Love Rollercoaster". I was 35.

* I was walking to the dance floor at a club on New Years Eve 1983, tripped over my shoelaces, banged my head on the edge of a table, cut my head open, jumped up because I could feel no pain, and started dancing with a girl who freaked out due to all the blood pouring from my head. When my friend got me to the hospital, I told the doctor I had "cut my finger".

* I tried to walk down an icy, snowy hill and sprained my ankle.

* While nursing that sprained ankle, I was at my band's soundcheck that day, jumped up on my GOOD FOOT and landed funny on that ... thus...spraining both ankles.

* I was the lead singer in a band who did an entire show at 3 a.m. from a wheelchair ... due to two sprained ankles.

* I've called my dad a "bastard" when I accidently walked into a parked car.

* I've made out heavily in public.

* The first time I got drunk, I was 15 and living in Greece where there were no age limits to drinking at the time. My friends and I got drunk, I made out heavily with this girl who everyone "said" put out but I never got past first base.

Is first base "French kissing drunkenly in a family pizza parlor on a Friday night"? If so ... that's as far as I got.

* At 17, I watched "Deliverance" with my mom and cousin and kept making lewd comments in front of my mom. Trust me ... it may not sound like much ... but when your mom gives you that look the next day ... the look that says "When did you start doing impressions of men getting boned in the ass?" ... man...that's kinda hard to live down.

* I accidently unplugged some speaker wire at a fraternity's party during Pledge Week as a freshman in college. If I recall, they couldn't get it fixed. I left almost immediately after unplugging the wire.

* I had sex with a woman I swore I'd never have sex with.

* I drove home.

* I got up in a shadowbox and danced behind a band like a really bad mime. That took place last year.

* I've asked the woman in the drive thru lane at Krystal, "These aren't the chicken sandwiches that will leave my ass burning, are they? And then made a big deal about how the last batch made my ass burn and I sure didn't want to go through that again.

* I've spent hundreds of dollars in a strip club in one night.

* I've smoked cigars.

* I've attempted IRC and writing diary entries.

* I've written "Fuck You Mom" with a Magic Marker on a guy's forehead while he was passed out, covered it with a large Ace bandage, rode in the car with several other guys as we drove him home, dropped him off on his parent's front porch and left him there. The next morning, his Mom went out to get the morning paper and here was her son, lying on her front porch with a bandage on his forehead. After asking what he had done to his forehead, the guy pulls the bandage off slowly to let his mom read what I wrote. A pretty funny prank at the time ... but man, that kid caught holy hell from his mom for getting that drunk and it wasn't that cool to him.

* I've fallen on several dancefloors.

* I walked into a club's crowded men's room and announced to everyone that my buddy wanted to hold an impromptu "Best Penis In The Room Contest". My buddy turned around and walked out and left me at the club.

* I woke up with my hand down a strange woman's pants named Michael after sharing a toilet for both of us to take turns vomiting in for several hours. We never officially dated though.

* I vomited in the driveway at a 4th of July party in front of some of the hottest girls in school, and then went back inside and made out with a girl without freshening up.

* On my 20th birthday, two female friends took me out to celebrate. I vowed that I would French kiss 20 babes that evening for my birthday gift to myself. I got 24. You guys might wanna try it. Just walk up, drunk off your ass and say "I've gotta french kiss 20 girls for my birthday. Help me out." The last two girls were my two friends who had taken me out. I guess this really isn't "stupid". Had I gotten cold sores or strep throat from it...maybe. It's actually one of the smartest things I've ever done.

Bottom line ... I've only done one smart thing the entire time I drank.

Don't drink, kids.

This has been a message from your old pal Uncle Bob who wants you kids to stop drinking so the prices will go down a bit and he can finally afford to buy a case of Heineken without having to dip into savings.

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QUESTION OF THE DAY

Now that we're less than a month away ... what parental advice can you give me that will help me be a good Dad?