ANDY SUCKS, GAWAIN ROCKS, GRANDMA SUCKS, CHEAP TRICK ROCKS

I'm soooo tired.

Last night, we had to lower Andy's mattress in his crib because that's what you do when your kid learns how to stand up in his crib. This is done so that he doesn't topple out of the crib head first and bounce around on the carpet spraining a neck or two. It CAN happen.

So basically, now Andy's mattress is about four inches lower than it was and it seems (to him) like the crib walls have gotten higher.

Sooo...guess who did NOT like this new arrangement about midnight?

Three guesses...

No...not George Clooney.

Nope...not Paula Poundstone.

Yep. Andy.

He was wailing away like he just had his arm ripped off by a land shark. So I go in there, aimlessly pat his butt for about 12 seconds and stumble back to bed.

This made him scream even louder.

Five minutes later, when it was apparent that he was NOT going to stop screaming until I went back in there and did something about it, I went back in there to do something about it.

He was sitting up in his crib, eyes shut, just cry, cry, crying.

I picked him up, resisted the urge to shake him like a bottle of Yoohoo and began to rock him back to sleep.

Thirty minutes later he went limp in my arms, finally giving in to the sleep fairies.

I laid him down and he insisted on laying face down on his knees with his baby ass in the air just in case he woke up and wanted to bitch some more, he could easily maneuver himself into an upright position.

Whatever, Andrew.

I went back to bed and tossed and turned myself to sleep at about 1:30.

Thanks Andy. 'Preciate it.

Now he's sound asleep and I'm out here typing this crap.

Blech.

Whatever.

A special decial thank yewwwwwwwww goes out to Gay Wayne, one of, if not THE, funniest bastards in Diaryland for his coming to my slow computer rescue.

The boy with more time on his hands than a fake Rolex dealer gave me plenty of tips on how to check and see if my computer was really bogged down with MP3s or if it was just being a dirty little bitch that didn't want to cooperate with my penchant for cruising the web at lightning speed.

It was the latter.

Shit...Andy's up and Susie just "conveniently" jumped in the shower.

BRB.

Thanks Gawain. Everything you told me to do worked and now I'm faster than Speedy Gonzales trying to get home after an all you can eat burrito buffet.

Gawd.

That was SOOOO not funny.

I tiptoed into the waters of Internet purchasing yesterday.

Errr...whatever it's called...I ordered something off the 'Net.

I got the new Cheap Trick DVD, which has got me giddy as a schoolgirl.

In my day, Cheap Trick was the shiznit. I've lost track of how many times I saw them live, but the last time I saw them, I was sitting in a folding chair on the side of the stage, talking to the lead guitarist, Meester Rick Nielsen.

I think it was one of the highlights of his life.

For those of you who have never seen the photo I took of Rick while on the side of the stage, I suggest you click here.

In fact, there's a whole slew of pix of me there. Even some with some famous people. You know ... for those of you who need visual stimulation while satisfying your sexual urges and fantasizing about yours truly.

*cough*

Anyway...man...I loved me some Cheap Trick back in the day.

And this new DVD is a double live DVD with 29 tunes, so in about 3-10 business days, if you hear someone in the distance singing "I want you to want meeeee", rest assured, it'll be moi singing at zee top of zee lungs.

By the way, if your internet connection is going slow as hell, it's because of some fire in Baltimore that burned up some fiber optic cables that supplied internet service to the east coast. Because they burned up, internet traffic has been rerouted and EVERYONE IN THE FRIGGIN' COUNTRY is experiencing slow service now.

So it's not just you.

See?

It pays to read the morning paper.

Oh ... and it looks like the Uncle Bob World Tour 2000 WILL be kicking off in Eugene, Oregon, the hotbed for World Tour Kickoffs.

I spoke with a business owner yesterday there that wanted me to fly out and see what their business is all about rather than discuss it over the phone.

Soooo...that will be taking place later this fall. I'll keep you posted on exact dates, so you Oregonians can get Eugene all cleaned up and the red carpet unrolled for my arrival.

And please...have plenty of chocolate on hand at every turn. Me needs me some chocolate.

Grandma's bringing Andy's cousins over here today, so it's going to be a houseful of kids today while I'm gone.

I'm about as thrilled over this as I would be having my nuts set on fire.

When they come over, I immediately turn on the Play Station and tell them to take a seat.

Grandma doesn't LIKE the Play Station. She thinks it's evil. So she tells the kids to turn off the Play Station and come watch the news channels with her.

Oh yeah. That's a great way to get kids to like you. Make them sit and watch the Fox News Channel and discuss why the Democrats are ruining the world for eight hours straight instead of letting them play with that evil Play Station.

Andy loves his Grandma. But as soon as he gets old enough to argue, I can see that love affair slowly slipping away.

Speaking of the little devil, he slowly crawled to the kitchen last night, shocking the hell out of his parents who weren't really keeping a close eye on him.

I think those days are just about over. We're now entering the age of Child Proofing.

God help us.

I'm getting too old for this shit.