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09:09:21 - 2000-09-21


My ass aches.

Ever had an assache?

It's like a headache or an earache or a toothache...becept it's in yer ass??

Well I've got me one.

And it hurts.


I have an eerie feeling I'm going to be trying to coax my co-workers into giving me ass massages all day today.


Soooooo....guess what??

No ... I haven't had another run-in with smegma.

Noooo....I haven't decided to name my child "Jesus".

Nooooooo....I didn't successfully wedge a gerbil up my ass.



(Bob does the Cabbage Patch with a grin on his face a mile wide)

I had to go back to the stupid fucking eye doctor yesterday for my "corneal topography".

i.e. They stuck my face in more machines and begged me to "look towards the light Carol Anne. Followwww the light, Carol Anne".

After they had unsuccessfully tried to burn my corneas out of my head, I asked to take the Sight Test again.

The girl bristled when I asked this.

"Wha...wha...why?" she asked.

"Because the other day when I came in here, my vision was very blurry due to something getting in my eye overnight," I said. "Today my vision is back to normal, and I'd like to take the test one more time."

The girl grudgingly took me to the eye chart room where I ACED THAT TEST, BAYBEEEEE!!


I was like...KING LOOKER GUY!!!

I saw the SHIT outta that chart, man!!!

She writes my results down on my charts, the doctor came in and duly reported that my eyesight was 20/20 and I wouldn't have to buy any of his glasses now.



I danced out of there, so happy that I'm never going to have to look like a dweeb with glasses on.

Oh wait...some of you wear glasses...

Gee. I'm sor...

I'm sorr........

Hey. Ya know what???



(Bob picks up the Cabbage Patch right where he left off)

*************************************'s Dentist time.

Ya know what....I LOVE going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning.

I call it "naptime".

I get to take an hour out of my day, go lay in a chair, and listen to an old woman prattle on and on about whatever she wants to talk about while I'm not even expected to carry my end of the conversation because I have a mouthful of tools right now.

So I make grunting sounds that she and I both understand.

"Uhhh" means "No kidding??"

"Ungh" means "No way!"

"Uhhr" means "I don't think so."

"Umf" means "Sure, I can do that."

"Uhhrmp" means "Probably right around six o'clock. Maybe 7."

It's a whole new language that we both fully understand.

I walked away from the dental appointment with an A on my Dental Report Card, according to the dentist.

Do you think they REALLY have dental report cards? I've never seen mine if that's the case.

So ... even though I haven't flossed since January I STILL got an A.

Which leads me to believe...there's no real need for flossing. Unless you have a huge chunk of pork wedged in your teeth that you haven't been able to remove for weeks and it's beginning to decay and you're making people's eyes water when you try to talk to them.

THEN go ahead and floss that bitch out.

Other than need, kids.


Went to a surprise party for a woman's 50th birthday last night.

The biggest surprise of the night was the fact that I'm now hanging out with 50-year-olds.

It was pretty fun actually. It was all people from the church who I had thought were all high and mighty beforehand.

Now I know the truth ... I'm the LEAST wild of them all.

While I drank water all night, the beer, wine, wine coolers and whiskey were flowing.

As were the curse words.

Maybe they were trying to make me feel at home with them all. But I can't remember the last time I used the phrase "Shit-sucking asshole fuck" to describe an Olympian who didn't achieve his goal, like these people did.

See?? Just because you go to church doesn't mean you have to have a clean mouth.

Crazy-assed fuckers.



For those Army members in the Atlanta area...Uncle Bob will be out on the town this Saturday night.

My boy Mattie Gee and The Spicolis will be performing LIVE at the Metropolitan Pizza Bar in Buckhead Saturday night.

Originally, I wasn't going to go with them, because I had backstage passes for River Jam on Saturday night.

But there really wasn't going to be anybody great at River Jam anyway ... and the Spicolis rock DUDE!!

Soooooo...make the trip to Buckhead and let's hook up, dudes and dudettes!!

I won't be I'm the designated driver ... plus I've agreed to shoot video footage of the band for a future live DVD.

But that doesn't mean we won't be having FUN.

Email me and lemme know if you can make it so I'll know to keep an eye out for ya.

Partying with Uncle Bob and the hottest 80s band on the circuit today.

Could your weekend GET any better???



How do YOU feel about going to the dentist?

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