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5:37 a.m. - 2002-06-18


Last night, a most surreal event happened.

It was almost like the planets aligned and the earth opened up and demons crawled out of the earth's core and hissed and spit ....uhhhh....demonous venom all over everything?!?

Do demons spit demonous venom?? one moment, I was standing in my backyard talking to Kelly, the Former Scumbag Realtor...NAN, the Nosy Assed Neighbor...and my $1,100-owing, Diet Dr. Pepper slurping Brother-in-law, the artist formerly known as my $6,000-owing, Coke-slurping brother-in-law. three arch nemesiseseses were all standing there in my backyard at the same time, all having met each other for the first time. It was kinda like that first Batman movie...the one from the 1960s when the Joker, the Riddler, Catwoman and the Penguin all joined forces to wreak havoc on Batman's life. was a Kodak moment. But it woulda been pretty f'n odd had I ran inside, grabbed my camera and forced them to pose together just for your morbid curiousity.


--Kelly said that she felt uneasy about the sale of our house. Apparently after talking to the mortgage company and the buyer's agent, this gal is a bit flaky. The mortgage company is TIRED of dealing with her and told Kelly that they HOPE she has finally sold this woman a house. Apparently, she's known by name over there. I know this is her second time to try and buy a house, and that she's really pushing the limit as to how much she can borrow.

--Kelly also said that her realtor is tired of her too. They've been looking at houses since February and the realtor didn't think she would EVER find a house that she liked and could afford until she got to our house.

--So Kelly had a feeling that she will back out of buying this one.

--Kelly also said (gulp) ... oh God...I don't even know if I can type this one...she said that my brother-in-law was ... (gulp) "cute".

I TRULY think that she's still kissing our ass in that whole "I'm so glad you're working with me and paying me to work for you and that at the end of all this I will get a big payday so because of that, I'm going to keep saying really strange shit so that you like me and then after the deal's over you'll never hear from me again" kinda way.

...Because there is no other reason anyone living on this planet would say my brother-in-law was "cute".

Thennnnn...when Susie told her it was her brother, she said "Oh...I thought it was Andrew's grandfather!"

Which isn't the first time I've heard someone say the guy looked old. He's bald, has a long beard and is pretty fat. He looks like Wilford Brimley if Wilford had been asked to join ZZ Top.

Sorry...I'd do a long beard on him, but I don't do Photoshop.

--For the most part, I've gotta give my brother-in-law credit...he was pretty quiet. I think the fact that he was in the company of three women, one being his sister, overwhelmed him to the point where he was tongue-tied. He did manage to drink three of my Diet Dr. Peppers in the hour that he was there and ate half a big bag of Bugles.

He was there to retrieve the crap that he and his mother had been storing in our backyard workshop since 1989. It was a couple of old chairs and a doll carriage. And some patio furniture that was covered in bird shit. The bird shit was so thick you could get hepatitis just from looking at it.

--After everyone left, NAN was telling Susie that her "friend" was in her house. Her "friend" is the guy who comes over twice a year and bangs her saggy ass, eats whatever may be in her kitchen that wasn't created specifically for canines and then leaves for six months.

As their conversation was winding down, NAN told Susie (loud enough that I could hear halfway across the yard) "I guess I'd better go inside and take care of my 62 year-old teenager".


You don't know HOW BADLY I fought the urge to yell out, "You gonna go in there and SUCK HIS COCK, NAN?!?!?!"

I have no idea why.


I'm supposed to be a damned deacon in my church, for Pete's sake.

Why am I possessed to do such horrible things?!?

...Is it because of the fact that despite my age and portly frame, deep down I'm a mischievous little imp??

That's what I'm chalking it up to.

So NAN goes inside to choke down an old man's chubby. The brother in law leaves to go to someone else's house and eat whatever they might have in their home that's not a generic brand and Kelly leaves to go make copies of the contract that we've just signed.

The phone rings and thank God it's Kelly...the lesser of the three evils.

She's ecstatic and is practically screaming in the phone.

"You know how I was having my doubts about this woman?" she yells.

"Yeah!" I yell back.

"Here's the deal," she says in her deep Southern twang so that "Deal" is pronounced "Dale".

Apparently, the woman has been approved for $74,000. She's giving us $73,500 for the house. This excites Kelly because Kelly had her doubts that the woman would be able to secure a loan.

Kelly talked to the woman's realtor who said that her client "REALLY" wants our house. The realtor said that out of the dozens of homes they've looked at since February, this is the only home she's gotten excited over.

Finally...Kelly was really scared about our Air Conditioning unit. Back on Mother's Day, some of you more astute readers may remember that my A/C unit was pumping out warm air and that it was determined that we had a Freon leak.

I opted to not get it fixed at the time because it would be expensive, it would take several days to get it fixed and I just wanted cold air NOW.

So when I told Kelly about this, she freaked. She said that we had to disclose this to the new home owner, but if we disclosed it, she may back out of the deal. So this had Kelly understandably nilly-willy.

Kelly casually told the other realtor about the Freon leak and the lady said "HA!!! That's NO problem! Every house we've looked at had a Freon leak!! That's not going to keep her from buying the house."

Kelly sighed.

So now Kelly feels 100% sure that the lady will NOT flake out on us and do the right thing.


Sorry...I started writing this 40 minutes ago and have been talking to the wife since then.

Apparently, last night in my sleep I rolled over and asked Susie when we were ever going to "fuck again".

Susie asked if I was horny and I said no and then patted her crotch and told her to take care of her "hmmm-hmmmm" for me.


How embarrassing.

I'm such a horn dog in my sleep.

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