THE VERDICT IS IN ... UNCLE BOB HAS ....

Have I told y'all that I've been sick lately??

I seriously can't remember ... SINCE I'VE BEEN SO DAMNED SICK.

*cough*

So anyway ... yesterday, I stop by the office before my chiropractor appointment, and Mattie Gee decides to put the fear of God in me.

"You know," he drawled. "If you don't go to the doctor and check and see if you have the flu, you'll have walking pneumonia in three days."

HOLY SHIT!!

That's the LAST thing I need!!

So, I promise him I'll go to the doctor after I get done with my chiropractor.

I go to the chiropractor. I am starting to think the chiropractor doesn't like me. At first, he was real helpful and nice. Now he just points at the table, I get on it, he whacks me a couple of good ones in the back of the head and says "See ya Monday."

I feel like a little girl whose scumbag boyfriend is slowly breaking up with her and there's nothing I can do about it, except finally offer him that blow job that he's been pestering me to perform.

Not that I blew my chiropractor.

I didn't.

I thoughtabout it. But I didn't.

I've never performed a blow job in my life. I guess it'd be pretty easy to do. But...seeing as how I'm straight and everything ... it's just never came up in conversation. I've never had a buddy say "Hey, Bob. Think maybe you could choke on my pecker for a few minutes until I blow my love snot all over your tonsils?"

Nope. It's never happened.

So anyway ...

I go home after the chiropractor and go to call a doctor.

The phone's dead.

Wow. Bummer.

So I go back to bed to take a nap while Grandma watches Andy in the den.

Three hours later, I shoot up out of bed like a rocket, wondering where the hell am I.

I come to my senses and reach over to pick up the phone.

Phone's still dead.

I get up, stumble to the den and visit with Grandma, who is a staunch Republican, where she is teaching Andy how to be a Republican.

I usually vote Democrat.

I've never told Grandma that. But if I did, she'd disown me, my kid and my wife.

Guaranteed.

I told her I was going to go to the local Doc in the Box to get this flu checked out.

She said okay.

I said okay.

She said "I thought you were going."

I said "Oh. Right. I am."

I went and got dressed and went to Pri-Med.

You know what I like best about Pri-Med? Not only is the place CRAWLING with germs ... but they're germs from people who never bothered to get a family doctor.

White trash, if you please.

Which...seeing as how I was sitting amidst the coughing, sneezing, hacking white trash, this made ME white trash.

Go figure.

I'm sitting there in the waiting room, reading a magazine where I come across an article "How To Know If You Have The Flu or A Cold".

Wow.

Okay ... once again ... I had NO IDEA if I had the flu or a cold. All I knew was that my back hurt, my neck hurt, I've been dizzy and nauseous, I can't breathe, I have a fever and ... and...and...well...I guess that's it.

So I read all the symptoms of the flu. I memorize them.

I'm called back to the back of the building and put in a little room.

"What's wrong with you," the nurse asks, conveniently leaving off the "White Trash" part.

"I have a sore throat, my ears hurt, I ache ALL OVER my body and I think I have the flu."

Look...all I want is some STRONG antibiotics so I can kick this damned sickness. Maybe I DON'T have the flu. But just GIVE ME SOMETHING that can kick my ass into gear and have me better by Monday.

The way I looked at it (in my feverish state of mind), if I listed all the symptoms of the flu, they'd say "My goodness, White Trash Boy ... you've got the flu!", fill me up with antibiotics and I'd be on my way.

I mean ... how could they test for the flu??

Easily, you dumbass.

"We're going to take some X-rays and do some blood work," she says.

Oh, isn't this fucking marvelous...I've been busted.

She hands me this shirt. I guess it was an X-ray shirt. It didn't go on over your head, it kinda wrapped around you and had three holes in it.

She leaves the room and I'm left with this shirt thing.

I try to put it on, but it's tight and not fitting very well.

She comes back in and laughs at me. Apparently, I had put the shirt on in the most odd way she had ever seen.

So the nurse has to literally dress me. She takes the shirt off me and shows me how to put it on.

Then she licked my shoulder blades and told me how hot I was.

"Yes, I know," I said. "I have a fever."

"Oh ... you've got a fever all right, Hot Stuff," she said, as she fell to her knees and unzipped my pants.

Then she pushed me back on the vinyl table covered in sterile paper and proceeded to give me the ....

Sorry...it's the Afrin talking again...

So she gets this shirt on me and leads me to the X-ray room where they screw up several X-rays.

Apparently, I have some massively large shoulders that prevent nurses to get proper X-rays of my chest.

They finally get the X-rays done, they take a couple vials of blood with them and leave me in the little room to await my fate.

The doctor comes in and tells me my ailment.

...A sinus infection.

WTF???

A SINUS INFECTION???

I thought I had the flu. I've got a pissy little SINUS INFECTION???

Jeez Louise...is there any sickness MORE wimpy sounding than a SINUS INFECTION???

She gave me four prescriptions and told me I'd be better in two to four days.

A SINUS INFECTION?!?

God.

I feel like SUCH a pansy.

A sinus infection.

I'm so sorry people. I've been bitching up a storm here the last week, thinking I was on death's doorstep ... when all I had was a little sinus infection.

I owe you all a big apology.

I'm sowy.

Pwease forgive me.

I'm a wuss.

I will never bother you people with stories of my imminent death again until I get a doctor's opinion first.

That's a promise.

A sinus infection.

Sheesh.