Reeeeeal quick like...

I've streamlined the right side of the "Army" list, removing anyone that had either

A) Password protected their diary or

B) Hadn't updated in over two months.

Apparently, I had way too many freaking links on this page because this morning I could only get up to the "W"'s before I ran out of HTML room.

Does that make sense? No? I didn't think so.

I had 35 new inductees into the Army this morning, since last week I accidently erased the whole list of newbies. They've all been added back to this week's list along with this week's new inductees.

I'll tell ya what...going down that list and checking the dates on every diary...that's some tough work, compadre.

Especially when some of you fancy lasses want to use the European fashion when dating your diaries. Like today would be 5.11.01.

Gimme a break. That looks like May 11th to me.

Therefore, if you feel your diary has been removed by mistake, lemme know and I'll look into it.

Yeah.

That's EXACTLY what I want to do...read one more freakin' diary today.

A lot of people hadn't updated in several months and one guy hadn't updated since 1999.

Uh-huh. I'm Johnny On-The-Spot alright.

A lot of people had quit writing diaries and were pretty nasty about their departures as well. The main reason most people gave for quitting their diaries...their parents had found their diaries.

That must be a bummer.

Granted, I wouldn't want my parents stumbling across this page...but it wouldn't keep me from ever updating it again. I'd probably watch my mouth more and talk about my penis less. Other than that, I don't think it'd be a big deal.

Then again, my Mom's terrified of computers and Dad only uses his to forward stupid emails to my sister. He already knows I don't go for that crap.

Speaking of emails, I've gotten a TON of them lately and apologize if I haven't returned your emails. I let myself get a little behind and then it snowballed out of control so that now I'm stuck with at least a hundred emails to answer and no time to do it.

I try to look at this diary as an answer to emails. But some of you ask specific questions in your emails and I guess I could turn around and just answer the question as soon as I read the email...but I'm a checker and a mover-onner. I check the email ... then I work.

I will try to answer the emails here soon. I promise. But this is a short week for me and I'm beginning to get a bit behind in my work, so we'll see about that.

I'm in a good mood today.

My pants keep slipping down my hips. Three months ago, these khakis were tighter than a baby's ass. Now I can stick my hand in the waistband and pull it about two inches from my tummy.

So...my weight loss is starting to show.

And ... I don't talk about it much but I've been getting a buttload of hate mail lately from angry retards who can't distinguish real life from fantasy.

Y'see...I recap this show..."Ed" on this site "Mighty Big TV". I might have mentioned it here...I really don't remember.

Anyway...there's this character on the show by the name of Molly. Molly's slightly overweight with a great personality. She's your typical single gal who's described as a gal with a "Great Personality".

Lately, her character has shown some weakness because of her weight problem. She wasn't hired for a job because of her weight and she doesn't think men like her because of her weight.

My job, as a recapper for MBTV...is to be as smarmy and smart-assed about the show as I can be. I'm not supposed to take any prisoners when I write about it. I'm supposed to be ruthless and mean and vicious in my reviews. But funny as well.

So I tend to write a lot of fat jokes about Molly. Like I say, I'm sure the actress that plays Molly is crying all the way to the bank. More than likely, it's in her contract to maintain a heavy weight for her character's sake. That's her character...the overweight friend.

So anyway...lately I've been getting a BUNCH of emails that have taken me to task for "picking on Molly".

Granted, the people sending me these emails only leave their televisions long enough to send me a scathing email and then it's back to their little fantasy worlds with their little fantasy friends on TV.

I was starting to let it get to me...these nasty little notes telling me to take it easy on these fictional characters when I finally realized...I'm dealing with looney tunes here. These people are upset with a real person for making fun of a fake person.

And so I come to work today and not a single hateful email has arrived over my latest recap.

To make matters even better, I've even gotten praise for my most recent recaps.

So, I'm in a good mood today.

Yeah.

Which would explain why this diary entry sucks so hard.

Because it's funny when I'm pissy and dull when I'm happy.

I feel like hanging pictures of flowers all over my office because I'm so happy.

Yeah.

I've gotta watch Andy again tonight as Susie goes to her "class" (AKA Crack Whore gig).

I asked her yesterday when this "class" was going to be over finally. I thought it was over last weekend, but apparently now there's several "study sessions" over the next few weeks before she takes the "final exam".

Mmmm-hmmmm.

She's a crack whore. I just know it.

If she gets a degree and a good job that doesn't require snarfing down some guy's Johnson while on her knees in a filthy bus station bathroom, then I'll have been proven wrong.

In the meantime...my wife's a crack whore.

Benefit of the doubt, my ass.