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09:12:29 - 2000-07-21


I was on TV again last night.

I'm laying in bed, flipping the channels ...WHY?!?

...Because I'm the Channel Flipping Master, dammit. Pay attention, you troll.

...And I see my big assed head right there on the TV screen.

Granted ... I KNEW it would be there. And let's face it...I WASN'T flipping channels...I was GLUED to the television, waiting for my big assed head to show up.

For some reason, damned near every time I go to a press conference, I get thrown on television in one of the crowd shots.

My summer intern, Allison, and I had went to the press conference and decided to sit in the second row, which is the SECOND rule of thumb for "Getting Yourself On Television Via A Press Conference".

The FIRST rule of thumb is to NOT look at the camera and to nod your head when the camera is on you.

See ... nodding the head makes it look like you're paying attention to whatever is going on at the press conference.

BIG IMPORTANT GUY AT THE PODIUM: "And we think that this is a good thing that people all over the city would like to see."

UNCLE BOB IN CROWD: (Nods head in fake agreement, staring straight at Big Important Guy At The Podium)

CAMERAMAN: (thinking) "Oh My GOD!! That guy is nodding his head!! He's in agreement with what Big Important Guy At The Podium is saying!! I MUST get a shot of that to put in the story!!"

See how simple it is?? time a TV camera is on you and you WANT to be on TV ... don't look at the camera, and nod your head repeatedly like one of those bobbing head dolls that people used to put in the back window of their cars.

Speaking of cars ... the wife did NOT get the Grand Caravan that we had brought home Wednesday night. had All Wheel Drive, which EVERYONE told us to stay away from.

....Everyone except the car salesman. That bastard tried to sell us on the concept that we NEEDED All Wheel Drive.

Yeah, pal. We average about an inch of snow a decade in this city. We REALLY need All Wheel Drive.

...You rubble scrubble mubble nubble...

(That was me, muttering obscenities under my breath, in case it wasn't obvious)

So NOW...we have a Town and Country van out in the driveway. Basically the same thing that we had the night before...only two wheel drive.

...Like you ladies give two poops ...

Anyway...I'm hoping the mechanic okays this one and we can end this quest for a new vehicle for the Mrs.

Because frankly...I'm getting REAL tired of this shit. And so is she.

BUT...I have to go look at a little old lady's van today, because Susie thinks it will be a bargain.

Apparently, the van was driven by an 82-year-old lady who used it only to go visit her husband in the nursing home.

I pray to GOD she doesn't want to sit me down with a cup of tea and talk about her poor husband.

I may have to go Ninja on her ass.


We had a HELLUVA storm here last night. Rain coming down sideways and shit.

It hit while we were standing in a parking lot looking at a PIECE OF SHIT Nissan van.

It was pretty funny. The car salesman was standing there, desperately trying to unload this death trap on us when the rain began.

"Take it for a spin?? Take it for a spin??" he begged.

We both knew we didn't want this van. It had NOTHING in it that we wanted. No power windows, locks, etc.

But we "took it for a spin" anyway just to appease the old guy.

We get it out on the bypass, and one of the back windows almost flies off.

Apparently it was BARELY attatched to the vehicle. Every time a gust of wind came up, it tried to suck the window right off the van.

Scared the shit out of both of us at first, and then we couldn't quit laughing about this nasty-assed van.

We took it back to the car lot, threw the keys at someone OTHER than the desperate car salesman and said we had left our dog outside and had to get home to let the dog in out of the storm.

...Our dog has a doggie door and was safe inside the house during the storm...

It was such a nice storm. Lotsa rain, lightning, thunder...power only went out for a few minutes...

Dare I call it....



...I kill me...

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