I'M BETTER THAN UNDERPANTS

So I'm working at the computer, the Today Show is playing in the background,and I hear Katie introduce the author of the controversial children's book series "Captain Underpants".

I hopped up from my desk because this sounded too intriguing for me to be sitting down for. My abnormally large penis hit the keyboard drawer and I almost passed out from the pain. Luckily for everyone involved...Uncle Bob has a penis of steel.

But that's neither here nor there.

As it turns out, the author was a super guy who made up this whole story of a mean principal who turns into bumbling superhero Captain Underpants when he was just a kid.

In a lot of ways, our lives seemed to mirror each others. Except he was chatting with Katie Couric about his writings while I was standing in front of the TV and aimlessly scratching my balls.

And it really burned my ass.

Not the ball scratching, you idiot. The interview.

I don't let too many things get me down. As I've stated here many times before ...I've gone through the whole teen angst scene and "nobody loves me" deal ... so there's very little for me left to bitch about.

My life is good, glory be to God.

But I HATE HATE HATE these cock smokers that come up with great ideas before I do.

Alright...my mom ALWAYS said (whenI was a little kid) that I should write children's books. I always scoffed at her ... thinking I would never be a writer.

I'm now a writer. I just don't write children's books.

...But what the hell is stopping me??

My whole theory was that my sense of humor was too controversial for kids.

Well, apparently I haven't checked my calendar lately. It's now the year 2000, Judy Jetson, and the words "Fart" and "pee-pee" are common place in the world of Captain Underpants.

I don't know if you could tell, but I have what doctors call a somewhat "vivid imagination". I can take a story about a parking ticket and turn it into a courtroom battle to the death.

So yeah, babe ... I think I can come up with something slightly better than Captain Fucking Underpants.

Let's see now...first...you need a hero. Someone the kids can relate to.

We'll make him an 11 year old boy with the ability to become incredibly smart in seconds.

Geez...I dunno...you gotta have some educational hook to keep the fucking parents off yer back, ya know....

The kid will have to have some sorta funny name that will make kids wanna say it all the time. Some name that parents will fucking HATE to hear their kids scream simultaneously.

You know...the "POKEMON!!!!" Factor.

I say Timmy Fucknugget.

Actually ... being a kid's book and all ... I'll compromise.

We'll go with Funknugget.

The Wacky Adventures of Timmy Funknugget.

There ya go.

Okay ... we need a series going. The way I write, I can scribble out a book a day on the adventures of Timmy Funknugget for six months. They can release one a month for the next 15 years and I can die a happy, happy rich man on the beach.

FIRST BOOK:

Timmy goes to the beach and saves a kid from drowning. The Mayor gives him a pin, but accidently sticks it into his chest, shredding his nipple in the process. EMTs show up ... but still Timmy Funknugget manages to make everyone laugh as he's sped off in the screaming ambulance with the line "I'm just glad you didn't try to pin it on my cock, Mayor Dumpass!!"

SECOND BOOK:

Timmy goes to the dentist. Okay ... this could help kids realize that dentists aren't bad people after all.

The key word there is "could".

Timmy's dentist is Dr. Von Schleppinger who likes to "accidently" remove his patient's teeth for kicks. Timmy could kick him in the fucking nuts...hilarity ensues.

THIRD BOOK:

Alright...next on my list ... oh man...Timmy Funknugget goes to the Zoo. Alright...picture this ...Timmy being stripped of his 11-year-old dignity after being accidently locked into the gorilla den. Guess what? Hilarity will fuckin' ensue like a ....a.... alrighty then...anybody out there got a metaphor for "ensue"? Please write me at

[email protected]

All replies will be publicly and privately ignored.

So anyway....dammit...I HATE THESE LITTLE BOXES I'M SUPPOSED TO TYPE IN!!! I always lose my train of thought.

Damn you litle boxes...DAMN YOU ALL STRAIGHT TO HELLLLLLLL!!!!

(Uncle Bob sits and stares at the computer monitor for five seconds and then bursts into some of the most PMS-worthy tears a big, burly man can cry. His crying jag lasts five minutes, afterwards he has no recollection of any of it and the entry continues in a swift and just manner)

So anyway...Timmy Funknugget....notice that a lot of "Accidents" happen to him. Well...those "Accidents" are going to be Timmy's trademark. Kinda like...how much worse can it get for the little bastard??

I guess...it'd be exactly like Kenny from "South Park" and his dying every week.

Except my character would have a last name, he would be able to communicate clearly and eloquently and it'd be a book and not TV.

That does it ... I'm firing off the first six books tonight.

Adios my little peckerhead.

Who loves ya??

That's right...yer Uncle Bob does.

And of course ... Timmy Funknugget thinks the world of ya too.