LARS ULRICH'S WHEATIES HAVE A URINE TASTE TO THEM THIS MORNING

(Uncle Bob sits down at the computer with a huge shit-eating grin on his face.)

Hey.

Hey Lars.

Hey Lars Ulrich.

Bite my ass, you ...you...you guy who tried to ruin my life.

In case you haven't heard...in case you even cared...Napster did NOT have to close down at midnight last night.

A stay was executed by the Circuit City Court of Circuit Judges Court City Circuit Department last night just hours before Napster was going to be forced to shut down.

I heard the news after surfing Napster for HOURS downloading as much crap as I could possibly find.

Ever wanted to hear "Sweet Home Alabama" done completely on a Moog synthesizer?

I've got it.

How about a cover of NWA's "Boys N The Hood" done by a buncha white guys who sound like Mama's boys??

Check. Got it.

How about Frank Sinatra singing "I Killed Your Mommy And Your Mommy's Dead"??

I'm your man, baby.

My God...I was downloading hardcore rap in the final minutes ... stuff I NEVER planned on listening to ... but I just WANTED IT.

Now...the governor has sent a pardon.

No more hoarding.

Thank you Jesus.

Thank you Lord.

I can take a break from Napster.

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Other than my Napster Download Marathon ... there isn't much else to talk about from yesterday.

I got caught up on a lot of diaries ... added some to the Army yesterday ...

Checked out Lone Ranger's diary and she made an interesting point.

Sex diaries are passe.

I know when I first started on Diaryland...I talked a lot about sex.

But it was all PAST sex stories. I didn't bang the Mrs. and run to the computer to tell you grubby little urchins all the sweaty details.

Now...I don't even touch my past sex stories.

Why??

I dunno. They're boring, I guess.

If I'm reading a new diary and they're going on and on about their sex life, I find a new diary.

Do you REALLY think we give a shit??

Sure, there may be some horny toads out there who get off reading other people's sex diaries.

To me...it's like reading Penthouse Forum. I seriously doubt that what I'm reading is true.

Plus...how many times can you read "He slid his cock inside me"??

How ELSE are we supposed to get it inside you??

TOSS it? MOSEY it?? SHIMMY it???

Bottom line...sex diaries are boring. 95% of them are made up.

Case in point ... there's a diarist in the Uncle Bob Army that was primarily a sex diary.

She got quite a lot of hits off this diary.

It wasn't the "Sex" that was getting her the hits...it was the style in which she wrote the diaries.

She was a damned good writer. I say "was" because she hasn't updated that diary since early last month.

SHE admitted to me in an email that a large portion of her sex diary was more fantasy than reality.

But she sucked a large number of readers into her web of sex.

Many readers believed this woman was enjoying threesomes on a regular basis.

I doubt the woman ever even had a threesome.

Second Bottom Line...I don't read diaries for sex. I read them for interesting looks into people's real lives.

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So you are saying "But Uncle Bob...all that stuff you write about can't POSSIBLY be true."

There's one thing I've always said about my diary entries and my columns. There's always a SMIDGEN of truth there...I just tend to exaggerate a bit.

Yes, I made meat loaf the other night. No, it didn't taste like moose shit.

Yes, I went to a wedding last weekend and was hot as hell and my pager went off in the middle of the wedding. No, little kids didn't come up to me thinking I was a human sprinkler.

Yes, I spent all night last night downloading stuff off Napster. No, I don't have Sinatra doing mommy-killing tunes.

Hopefully, my readers are intelligent enough to know when I'm pulling your leg.

Hopefully.

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I didn't wake up with a headache today. That's a great thing. Thanks, Schmez for your words of advice. The headaches are at the back of my head, so it sounds like meningitis.

...Which, in turn, sounds like a party in a can.

Susie has volunteered my services to help one of her friends move today.

Her friend is a single woman and an odd story.

When Susie first met this woman at work, she was a rude bitch. Susie avoided her at all costs, because of the woman's abrasive attitude.

Then the woman got sick.

REAL sick.

She got cancer.

Then had one of her lungs removed.

Found out she was allergic to wheat. Damned near EVERYTHING you eat has wheat in it somehow.

Lost a TON of weight, when she was never really fat to begin with.

All that sickness made her...well...not so bitchy.

She's 30 years old and making over $70,000/year with Susie's company.

Has a beautiful, relatively new home.

...And is throwing it all away to go be with her family in Memphis.

She's not DEATHLY ill, to my knowledge ... she's just realized that life is short and wants to be with her parents.

Anyway...I've gotta go load boxes into a U-Haul for her all day.

Should be 105 degrees today.

AND...as luck would have it...this woman isn't a "morning" person.

Like me.

You know..."Morning"....when it's only 70 degrees outside.

Not 105.

When SHE likes to get up.

I feel the same way about moving in July as I do weddings in July.

DON'T DO IT.

And if you DO have to do it ....

A) Don't call me for help.

OR

B) Do it EARLY in the morning before the heat of the day starts up.

I mean...duh.

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Did anybody else catch that show "Now Or Never" last night on Fox?

Of course not, Uncle Bob...these people have lives, fer Christ's sakes.

It was hosted by Jerry Springer and it revolved around helping people face their fears.

They had a guy that was afraid of spiders let a tarantula crawl across his face for ten seconds.

They buried a claustrophobic woman alive.

They hoisted a woman who was scared of heights 10 stories high in the air while in a harness.

This had to be the most sadistic damned show I've ever seen.

First off...it had Jerry hosting it. So right off the bat, you have to think it's not on the up and up.

I sat here thinking "These must be professional stunt people or something".

I have no idea if they were or not.

Anyway...Jerry would offer each contestant money to face their fear.

The first guy...the spider guy...Jerry offered him $300 to let the tarantula crawl on his face.

The guy actually THOUGHT about it.

Jeez Louise.

He finally settled for $500. That poor dumb white trash idiot settled for $500.

Okay ... I'm scared of heights. There ain't NO WAY IN HELL you're yanking me up by a rope 110 feet in the air for less than $10,000.

And even THAT I would probably balk at.

Obviously, the limit for each contestant was $1,000. Some of the contestants, Jerry would try to bargain with, starting at $300. Some he just flat out offered them $1,000.

Like your fear has a price tag.

It was OBVIOUS the most he would give a person was $1,000. And some of these idiots didn't hold out for that magic number. They just sat there and said "Bring out the spiders!" for $500.

Dumb shits.

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ELDERLY WALKING COUPLE CONVERSATION FROM YESTERDAY:

OLD LADY: "Good morning".

ME: "Morning"

OLD MAN: "My scrotum is swollen and puffy."

ME: "I'm sure it is."

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