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10:22:57 - 2000-12-09


I think if it came right down to it...I could probably beat the shit out of Tiger Woods in a fist fight.

I've never been to Texas in my life.

I was in a band in high school called "Rusted Onion". We played in a garage once for like two hours or something. It was madcap, dude.

One of my favorite things to say in real life is "Mercy!" That's only because it makes me feel like Little Richard.

I'm really gonna miss that guy that played that German guy on that one show. Yep. I'm going to miss him a lot.

You know what I like best about Saturdays?? NO UNDERWEAR DAY!!

I know a guy that got his hand stuck up a goat vagina once. But the guy was a farmer and he was having to help deliver some goat babies and the birth was breached and the goat babies died and the story loses its shock appeal when you have to explain it past the first sentence, huh?

I once caught a fish while fishing with my dad and named it Ted. Ted Fish. So anyway, that night at dinner we were eating Ted, and Dad joked, "Gimme Ted, honey" and Mom slipped under the table and blew Dad. I don't think it really scarred me for life, but to this day I still can't eat fried fish while receiving oral sex.

When I was young, I ate peanut butter and banana sandwiches. I also ate peanut butter and Frito sandwiches as well. I always ate pancakes and waffles smothered in peanut butter and syrup. I would eat peanut butter straight out of the jar. When I lost my virginininininity I had smeared peanut butter on the girl and licked it off. And still I wonder why I'm one big fat sonofabitch.

I once wrote a poem that made my mother cry. It was called "I'm killing you in your sleep tonight, Mommy."

Would it be wrong for me to call "Blair Witch 2: Book of Sequels" the "Feel Good Movie of the Year"?

I'm thinking of joining a Union, but I haven't decided which one yet.

Here's a funny joke for work. The next time you answer the phone at your office and there's nobody on the other line, say "No, (Your Boss's Name here) is in Rehab right now for a substance abuse problem. (Pause) I'm not really sure. I think cocaine. (Pause) Probably some time near the end of next month. (Pause) I'll let him know. Buh-bye." Of course, this joke only works if there's people around listening to what you're saying who will be horrified that you're telling a customer that your boss is in rehab. If you're in your own office saying this aloud to yourself to a dial tone, it lowers its humor quotient somewhat.

I'm pumped and jammed for this rumored Black Oak Arkansas reunion tour starting next summer.

I've never done a cartwheel in my life. Can't say I've ever tried to either. Cartwheels just weren't my thing as a kid. Nope. I liked sniffing glue.

You know, having a kid was probably the happiest day of my life. But number two has to be the day I met Malcolm Jamal-Warner from The Cosby Show and lent him 35 cents to buy a pack of Marlboro Lights while standing behind him at the liquor store.

I don't give a shit what the Discover Channel says. Bats are NOT our friends. Fuck you with that shit, Discovery Channel.

If I'm buying bread crumbs, I'm buying the seasoned kind. Preferably "Garlic and Herb". Know what I mean?

I once shampooed with honey because my dog told me to. I got rid of the dog soon after that woefully misguided beauty tip went awry.

I once joined a woman's gym after several months of court battles over sexual discrimination. Eventually, I became the first man to ever be allowed to join a woman's gym. Sadly, I was permanently banned from the gym three days later because I couldn't quit playing with myself in the showers.

Whenever someone says "I was joyfully playing his love trombone," it always makes me think that they're talking about performing oral sex on someone else. It's just that nobody's ever said "I was joyfully playing his love trombone" while in my presence, so I guess the thought's never crossed my mind really.

I also ate peanut butter on hot biscuits.

One time I woke up with a really bad headache. I showered...still had it. Went to work ... still had it. Went to the bathroom ... still had it. Looked in the mirror ... there was a hatchet buried in the back of my skull. I know shit happens, but c'mon...explain THAT, Einstein!!

Recently, I ate a cookie. Crumbs and all. That was a damned good cookie, it was.

You know what I LOVE to do on cold and dreary December Saturdays like today? I like to load the family up in the van and just get lost on the backroads of another county. We drive around for hours, the wife bitching at me and calling it "kidnapping" and me just ignoring her and trying to find the interstate before I run out of gas. Then I run out of gas in the middle of nowhere. So I tell the wife to lock the doors and I will go get some gas. And I hike five miles to the nearest gas station to buy some gas. But since I don't have a gas can and the guy at the gas store doesn't sell them, I have to take the gas back in a Dixie cup that the man had been using to spit his tobacco juice in. So I buy a quarter's worth of gas and hike back to the car. I carefully pour the gas in, hop in the car, crank it up, drive about seven feet and run out of gas. I then hike BACK to the store, purchase another quarter's worth of gas, hike BACK to the car, pour it in carefully, crank it up and drive another seven feet and keep repeating until we make it home. THAT'S what I like to do.

Here's another fun trick to play at work ... if a co-worker gets up to go to the bathroom and then comes back and starts drinking from whatever is on their desk, laugh quietly. Keep doing this until they ask what you're laughing about. Tell them "nothing" and then later on in the day say "Okay, I'll tell you. The reason I was laughing every time you drank that cup of coffee was because we had all put our boogers in it while you were in the bathroom." You don't have to really put boogers in it ... those taste buds are long gone. But if it makes you feel better to actually put boogers in the coffee, I guess you could do that. I'm just not going to condone it.

Do we really need radishes??

My nickname in high school was "Frozen Eddie McGhee". I guess it's because I was tall, I dunno.

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