Uncle Bob once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. Well...that wasn't the only reason. As it turns out, the guy was offended by rude language and risque discussion. So I shot him. And I will shoot you too if you dare start whining about the crap I put in my diary ... that is...if I actually owned a gun...

Dear Diary,

Where the fuck did all these people come from?

I hadn't really checked my People Page since Sunday. So when I bopped in there to see what was on the up and up .... I get seven new reviews!!! They LOVE ME!!

(Uncle Bob clasps his hands together and holds them in front of his chest, beaming with pride)

Anyway ... thanks again to everyone who takes the time to tell me they dig the diary. Personally, I see about a hundred diaries out there that are much better than my own, but I'll be goddamned if I'm pointing them out to you people. I'll just keep lettin' y'all think I'm da shit for a while until you figure it out on your own.

So .... yesterday....ya know the funny thing about Yesterday? All my troubles seemed so far away. No shit. Now it seems as though they're here to stay.

I've never said this to anyone...but I believe in Yesterday. Keep it to yourself.

Anywhooo....me and Mattie Gee knocked out another award-winning 48 page newspaper and then went to the El Rey Burrito Lounge afterwards for dinner.

I'm not much on Mexican food, but the Gee-ster had been raving about this place like they served chocolate-covered steaks. So I figured, what the hell ... I can choke down a burrito with my buddy.

Well .... ugh.

It was okay if you're into eating things you don't fucking want any piece of. Hell, I ate it all, but that's more because I was starving rather than I liked it.

But Mattie Gee picked up the tab which made it all even better.

I'm such a cheap skate...

Then, we go over to Mattie's to check out his new phat jams that he has put together on his Play Station MTV Music Generator (the best thing to ever hit Play Station, dammit).

A friend of Mattie's was there from out of town (Mattie lives in the closest thing to a hippie commune you will ever see. Nothing but stoned guys in and out all night.

One of the hippies there had a joint, so we passed it around, Uncle Bob being sure to only draw BUT NOT INHALE, because ....well dammit....I'd like to be Mayor of this city someday.

Anyway, even without inhaling, I was seeing stars. And they were talking to each other in some foreign language. Then they laughed at me and all went away, leaving me in a dark, voracious hole.

Ten minutes later, I'm stomping around Mattie's apartment, trying to keep the beat of whatever the hell it was that was playing on the Play Station.

Yep. Uncle Bob caught a buzz. Alert the media.

Five minutes later, the memory of that nice thick Burrito that I had wanted to throw in the trash was omnipresent in my brain.

"Let's go get some more burritos," I chided Mattie.

"Fuck you, I'm jammin' here," Mattie dismissed me.

I stomped around the room some more in my primitive caveman dance. The hunger was building up in me like a fire raging out of control.

"Seriously. One more burrito," I said quietly, as if my quiet tone would suggest seriousness.

"Seriously. Back the fuck off," Mattie said, as he bobbed his head back and forth to the beat.

Mattie's hippie friend, the pot supplier, was giggling like a little school girl who just saw her first pecker.

"Y'all crack me up," he said through snorts.

For some reason, this offended my very being. I was not in the mood to be cracking people up. I was in the mood to choke down one of those DELICIOUS burritos. And this bald headed hippie (yes Virginia...there are such things as bald headed hippies)was sitting there getting his jollies from my hunger. I wanted to lay into him, but he had provided the weed and Weed Law says you're supposed to be nice to the people that get you high.

Goddamned weed laws....

So, Bald Boy grabs ahold of the vibe I'm tossing out there that I'm serious. I'm hungry, not high. I need another freakin' burrito.

"Here ya go, dude," Bald Boy says as he whips out another joint. "This will take care of your hunger."

Hello???

Pot makes you HUNGRY. More pot makes you even HUNGRIER.

...But it's not like I was going to turn down a joint. Sheesh....who do you think I am?

So we all smoked another joint and by this time, I was ready to eat Mattie's sofa. The sofa that Mattie refused to get up off of to take me to get a burrito (My car was still at the office).

Since it was obvious I wasn't going to be getting another burrito soon, I decided to resume my dancing.

Flat out...I'm not a great dancer. I have rhythm ... just not all at the same time. And truthfully, I was just dancing to piss off the guy that lives below Mattie Gee, who Matt doesn't particularly care for.

After sobering up, I drove home, sat down at the computer, and went to read all my fave diaries for the day.

Diaryland's server is down.

In my stoned state, I sat here for an hour, trying to find just ONE diary that maybe made it off the server that would flash up on my screen and give me a moment's peace and solitude.

Uh-uh.

So I went to bed.

... On an evening where my wife decided she wanted to have night terrors.

Night Terrors are like intense nightmares, that find the sleeper screaming, thrashing and generally making a fool of themselves. Most people with Night Terrors usually lose them by the time they hit their teen years.

Not my wife.

So about five minutes in bed, she starts screaming "No, no NONONONONONO...NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" and then bolts out of bed and runs toward the den.

This kind of thing used to concern me. I would grab her and shake her awake and tell her it was a bad dream and to go back to sleep.

Hell ...now it's better than HBO.

These days, when she starts this crap, I get a big grin on my face, lay back and wait to see what stupid thing she's going to do next.

The funniest thing she ever did was when she crawled around the bed on all fours and then crawled right off the foot of the bed and landed head first on the floor.

God. That still makes me laugh years later.

Alright...there's yer freakin' entry. Once again...I appreciate the hell out of all the kind words being thrown my way lately. You kids are the shiznit. I'll be back later with some more crap to share.

Gimme a kiss.

*SMACK*

You da man.

You know...it's MY TURN to talk, Mr....

If you want bio, pics, more entries than you can read in a week and ...and ... well ... that's probably it... click here

You Don't WANT to go here...