DON'T BEAT YOUR KIDS IN WALMART WHILE I'M AROUND

I think I told y'all I've got one teeny weeny little spot of poison ivy on my arm, right?

Yeah...well it itches.

Just thought you needed to know that.

I cooked ... wait...lemme get the actual name of the recipe..."Crunchy Honey Peanut Chicken" last night.

God.

It should have been called "Salmonella on a Plate".

I got the recipe out of the local paper this week, clipped it out and showed it to Susie yesterday.

"Doesn't this sound good," I asked.

"Yes," she said without even looking at it. "Why don't you make it tonight?"

YIPPEEEE!!

So I made it. And it was less than appetizing. The peanuts, which served as the the "crust" for the chicken, were supposed to be finely chopped.

For the most part, I beat the crap out of this bag of peanuts, and smashed most of them to bits. Some were still either whole or halved, but damn...it woulda taken me until Monday to get them ALL crushed.

The "crust" fell off the chicken while it cooked. So basically, it was chicken breasts with mustard and honey all over them and burnt peanuts scooped up and laying next to the chicken.

I ain't cookin' that again.

Trust me.

Seriously. For once in your godforsaken life...trust me.

HEY!!!

THE POLL IS UP!!!

And I'm WINNING!!!

...Sure...it's only by five votes ... apparently I've got some shady character named "Plume" hot on my trail.

(...Psst...I hear that Plume is a drug dealer and sells smack 'n' crack to school kids...Plume also tortures kittens and makes fun of fat people and handicapped kids...FYI)

So NOW is the time to blow the rest of them out of the water!!!!

GO VOTE FOR ME!!!

I'm not sure of the exact rules of the contest or anything, so I say ... VOTE AS MANY TIMES AS YOUR FREE TIME ALLOWS YOU TO!!!

WHOOOOHOOOOOO!!!

I'm 'a go' be KING!!!

Somebody polish my crown please ...

I had a dream last night that I was retarded.

Very strange dream.

At first I was "acting" retarded to get out of doing something. I don't remember what.

Then, I slowly became retarded. It was like I was underwater. Everyone was talking to me, and my answers were slow and stupid. I couldn't function properly and life really sucked.

So being retarded is like being underwater.

You read it here first.

So we bathe Andy last night and for the first time in ages, he pees in the bathtub.

When this happens, the average mind just falls apart and a quick freak-out session commences. Because the baby doesn't pee "in" the bathtub. The baby's on his back, the pecker is sticking straight up and the pee almost hits the damned ceiling.

This has happened MAYBE five times, and all those times were in his first two months of life.

So you've got a fountain spraying out of the tub and the first thing that I try to do is catch the urine.

With my hands.

A split second later, I realize that's not going to work, so I cup my hand over his tallywhacker and just let him pee all over my hand.

Meanwhile, he's giving me that mischievous grin of his the entire time he soaks my hand. It's almost as if he's saying "That's right, Pops ... I'm pissing all over your hand and there's not a damned thing you can do about it."

Once he finished, he cooed at me and started kicking his legs in the water, splashing the urine up at me.

Some days, I get the feeling this kid doesn't like me.

Went to Walmart yesterday.

I dunno about your Walmart, but at my Walmart, it's required that we have at least 200 redneck mothers who are into chastising their children in public inside the store at all times.

I saw one mother yank her kid by the arm and tell him he wasn't getting "no damned Pokemon".

I saw another one just openly spanking her kid in the aisle. It wasn't a major ass whipping, but the kid stood there, humiliated.

And while we waited in line, another kid asked his mom if he could get a candy bar and the mother said "No". When the kid asked why, she said "Because you're stupid."

People.

I know that being the parent of a four month-old, I spout off a lot of crap about how he's so perfect, I'm the perfect daddy,etc.

And I know in four or five years, when this kid's a handful, I'll regret everything I said.

BUT...I will NEVER talk to my kid that way or treat my kid that way.

That's where you fuck up your kid. When you tell him in a crowded store that he's stupid because he wants a candy bar.

I'm sure there's an underlying element there as to why Mom told him he was stupid.

Still...YOU JUST DON'T SAY IT.

I felt sorry for all three of those kids yesterday. And I felt anger at the parents and wanted to walk up to them and shake the shit out of them.

...Sadly ... I'd then go to jail and the kids would really get a whipping once they got home.

I would have said something to the parents, but this whole parenthood thing is new to me. I'm sure there are times when kids get on your last nerve and here I am, still euphoric from his birth and living in my little perfect world because Andy can't backtalk me yet or ask for every single piece of Pokemon merchandise yet.

Plus, if I corrected every single redneck parent I saw while out in public in this backward-ass state, I'd never get home.

If you're a parent, treat your kid with respect. Show that kid as much love as you did with your partner at the time of conception without the swapping of sex juices.

I firmly believe that love and respect are what shapes a child into a productive and successful adult.

Do Uncle Bob a favor.

Just treat them right.

Thanks.

And yeah...like I said...I know I'm still all gooey from having a baby and thinking everything's always going to be as perfect as it has been so far.

It's not going to be a perfect ride for the next 21 years. I KNOW this.

But I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that it is. And when it's NOT perfect, it's up to me to try and make it perfect or to at least evaluate the situation, see where I went wrong and learn from my mistakes.

Geez.

Whatever happened to the Uncle Bob that talked about why he didn't like blow jobs and why it hurt to sneeze out of his genitals??

Bring his filthy ass back!!

We watched this hour-long concert with Elvis Costello last night.

Damn. You think I've changed...

I loved Elvis when he first appeared on the scene in 1977. I bought his first album and wore it out, then bought every single album after that.

By 1985, I started thinking Elvis and I were moving in different directions. I stayed the same, he started sucking.

He's had moments of brilliance since 1985, but they've come few and far between.

So anyway, his concert last night on TV had a bunch of his more recent crap with emphasis on the word "Crap".

I hung in there, because the guide said that'd he be performing "Watching The Detectives", one of my all-time fave songs by ANYBODY, not just Elvis.

Then, when they finally get to the song, the first three minutes have been chopped off the song.

Pissed.

I was PISSED.

I threw a few lamps around the room. I tossed my television off the balcony and watched it land in the hotel pool below. I called Andy "Stupid".

Pissed I'm tellin' ya.

Anyway...early Elvis rocks. Late Elvis sucks.

Not much else to talk about ... like any of the preceding stuff was earthshattering...huh?

GO VOTE FOR ME!!!

MP3 DOWNLOAD OF THE DAY

ELVIS COSTELLO: "Watching The Detectives"

Oh c'mon...you KNEW I'd put this one down here.

The song is all about a rich daughter's disappearance and it's a mystery set to music. I'll ruin it for ya ... the mother is the culprit. All set to a sinister reggae beat.

DOWNLOAD IT NOW!!