A WARNING TO MY CO-WORKERS

I woke up at 4:54 a.m. thinking..."You've gotta get up and make spaghetti sauce!"

I bolted out of bed, tripped over the dog, cursed the dog for ever being a dog and bounded down the hallway with the grace of a two legged gazelle.

I got to the kitchen, gave the dog her stupid morning treat that she's received every day for several years now that basically praises her for making it through another night, reached in the freezer, threw some hamburger in the crockpot, chopped two onions and a green pepper, threw those in the crockpot, rubbed my eyes and got onion juice in my eyes, flushed my eyes with water while saying "Shit! Shit shit! Shit shit shit!!"

...Then I woke up.

I guess I was having some dream that I was cooking spaghetti for a large crowd and when I woke up, the dream was so real it was like "GET ON IT, DUDE!" So I ran to the kitchen half asleep and got it started.

...So it looks like we're having spaghetti for dinner tonight.

And it looks like I'm one groggy, watery-eyed bitch this morning.

I didn't check CNN to see if anyone gotten eaten by a shark overnight, but I bet somebody did.

From here on out, anybody getting bitten by a shark deserved to be bitten by a shark.

Even if it's a little 8 year-old boy who had the good fortune of taking a cute 2nd grade picture that would warm the hearts of America as they prayed for his complete recovery even though he'd have an arm like Frankenstein for the rest of his life.

That's my opinion.

You know...I work with a bunch of rude fuckers.

I've tried not to talk too much about work, because there's a few people at work who read this page who haven't yet admitted they read this page to me in person. I know they read it, I've been told they read it, but they act like they don't.

That's fine. I'd rather not have everyone know about this page...the fewer people the better. But before I came there, Wendigo and Edweirdshared the address with some people, not thinking I'd ever actually be working there. I do not fault them for that.

Anyway...

A bunch of rude fuckers.

This was never more apparent than yesterday.

I pulled up in the parking lot, right next to one of the editors.

This editor got out of her car a full two seconds before I got out of mine and started walking toward the building.

I was perhaps 15-20 feet behind her the whole way.

She knew I was behind her but refused to turn around and acknowledge my presence.

We get to the employee entrance to the building which has a security code. She's entering the code as I'm catching up to her.

"Good morning," I say in my cheerful, non-Uncle Bob tone.

She doesn't even smile. No "Good morning" back. Just punches in the code and walks in, not even holding the door for me.

This girl knows who I am. We've been formally introduced and sat through about six meetings together. It's not like I'm a total stranger.

Still...I'm "New Boy". And maybe it's not cool to talk to "New Boy".

Then...Sneezy...whose nasal passages I've gone into great detail about here...this guy is either a social retard or the rudest fuck I've ever encountered.

Whenever we're both walking down the hallway, him toward me, me toward him, he averts his eyes and looks down like I'm not even there.

Fuck!

Would it KILL these people to say "Hello"? Or "Christ, you're really getting fat?" Or anything???

Yesterday, I walk in the bathroom and he's in there. We both finish peeing and I go to wash my hands because I just urinated and that's kinda how I was brought up...wash your hands after you've handled your massive tool.

He's standing there, looking in the mirror.

"Hey Sneezy," I say. "Have a good weekend?"

THAT was a decent question in my opinion.

Maybe the fucker's deaf. I'll give him that benefit of the doubt.

But he just walked out of the bathroom without answering my question.

ANNNND without washing his hands after fumbling around with his shriveled up penis.

A) He's a rude fucker.

B) Remind me to never shake his hand.

He's not the only one. There's a bunch more aloof social retards working at the place who either weren't raised right or are just total fuckpigs.

Guess what people? I may be New Boy, but I plan on staying here an awful long time. That means you'll still be seeing my fat face in these hallways years from now when I won't be New Boy. So start talking to me, you crumb fuckers.

Edweird told me that it was a strange place to work and that people kinda kept to themselves.

Well fuck all that and a bag of chips. It doesn't KILL anyone to smile and say "Hello" or "Good morning".

I think a lot of these people come from well-to-do families and that makes them think their shit doesn't stink.

Well it does stink, people. And for God's sakes...wash your hands after taking said shit.

On the flipside, there are some great people working here who always smile and say hello.

But for the most part...socially retarded assholes.

That's about it for me ... gotta go tend to my spaghetti sauce and chit-chat with the Mrs. before she goes to work.

Y'all have a great morning. P>