HI! MY NAME'S UNCLE BOB! I WATCH WAY TOO MUCH TV!

Wow...another weekend almost gone.

I'm really starting to HATE Sundays. They just serve as an ugly, taunting reminder that tomorrow is Monday.

Damned Sundays.

So anyway...muh weekend so far...

FRIDAY

Wendigo and I had lunch at Chili's Friday afternoon. I was in the mood for a nice salad so we decided to go there, since they have a small selection of different salads.

We got in there and it was FREEZING. I'll be the first to admit...I'm hardly ever cold. But I was practically shivering in there. I was chipping icicles off my nose and putting them in my drink, which was frozen over like a New Hampshire pond in January.

The salad came out and it was literally bigger than my head. Not that I have an abnormally huge waterhead. It's big...mostly cheeks and chin...but it's not really an oddity.

However, this salad was abnormal.

And...GO ME!...I ate about 90 percent of it.

I found out that when I kept eating, the energy expended warmed me up and it was almost like I was in Antarctica rather than the North Pole.

We went to Hallmark afterwards and bought the Chief Operating Officer of the company a birthday card. Then we got back to the office and somebody else had already bought him a card which wasn't nearly as funny as ours, although I can't remember for the life of me what ours said.

But it was funny. I just have some malfunction where I can't remember funny things I read or see. It's weird.

Really.

I went to the doctor for a checkup Friday afternoon. Here's the highlights:

I've lost five pounds according to his scale, which peeved me off because I've lost eight pounds according to other scales. But I think that salad may have added a couple of pounds to me, plus I was wearing my "heavy" shoes which weigh a pound and a half apiece.

They're made of lead. I'm trying to start a fashion trend with lead shoes.

It's not going so well in case you were wondering.

Anyway...lost five pounds...

My blood sugar level was at 80, which is the lowest it's ever been. THIS is great. Normal level is from 70-110. When I was diagnosed, it was 233.

ANNNNND there was no sugar traces in my pee. That was something that really worried the doctor...now he's relieved to see that I'm not pissing Sprite.

He gave me a gold star, said I'm doing great.

I'm going to an ear doctor on October 30th to check my hearing and decide what to do about my loss of hearing. I'm no Rush Limbaugh, but I've been really straining lately to hear people. I have become a much quieter person in life and that's because I don't like to participate or initiate conversations because I can't hear replies and it begins to annoy people when my side of the conversation is primarily based around the word "What??"

Soooooo...I'm doing good according to the doctor.

I rawk.

Friday night, we went out to our favorite Mexican place, where I tried the garlic shrimp. It was delicious and I've been craving it ever since. Actually, I'm craving anything that isn't resting on a bagel and not considered a fruit.

We then went to Toys 'R' Us to get Andrew a birthday present. We basically let him pick out his own gift and he settled on a thing where you hit these keys and little animals bob and spin around in circles while music plays.

We found this out by shoving everything in his lap, one at a time. We then judged how easy it was to pry the toys out of his lap. Some he gave up willingly. This one he held onto for dear life. He loved it. So while he was playing with it, I put a copy of it that kids hadn't been playing with forever into the cart. We then finally yanked the toy out of his hands without an incident and I put him in a fire engine with Bert and Ernie and paid 50 cents to watch him be jerked around as he held on desperately to the steering wheel.

Susie doesn't know it, but I plan on buying him more toys behind her back. I'm sure it will cause a rift between us because she's convinced I spoil the boy. I don't care. More than likely this will be our only child and it makes me very happy to see him very happy.

So what if he's spoiled as a one year-old? He'll get over it.

SATURDAY

I woke up early and struggled with my "Ed" recap for Mighty Big TV. For some reason, I could not conjure up the mean-spirited bile and venom that I usually pepper my recaps with.

I was halfway embarrassed to turn in a nice little recap with just spotty cynicism in it...but that's what I did. The boss said it looked fine, so I guess it's okay.

We then went for a walk because it was such a beautiful day here yesterday. It was 78 degrees when we walked with a little breeze. Heavenly.

Andrew fell asleep on the walk with his shades on. We got back home and there was a big box on our front porch.

Wendyloo had stayed true to her word and cleaned out her little boy's toy box and sent us the toys he had outgrown.

My God.

She sent so many toys that Christmas is going to be anti-climactic for the kid. He's going to open all his presents December 25 and say ... "That's it?"

...You know...if his vocabulary was actually larger than "Ba ba ba ba da ba da da da bye bye da ba ma ma da ba."

What was cool was that we did something that my parents did to me when I was a little tyke. We beat Andrew with a belt while he was asleep.

Actually, that was a joke.

We put up all his old toys while he slept in his stroller, and laid out all his new toys on the floor.

He woke up slowly and wanted out of the stroller. So I picked him up and put him on the floor.

He rubbed his eyes and looked around at all these new noisy toys.

And then he commenced experimenting with them all.

He made more happy noise than I've ever heard out of him. He just kept babbling and talking to his new toys non-stop. It got annoying after a while, so I took him outside and put him in the car while I went back inside and watched football. He needed a little quiet time as did I.

About three hours later, I went out to the car and got him out. He was much quieter now. Almost comatose.

Anyway...he loved his new toys, so thank you Wendyloo. That was way way WAYYYYY too sweet of you.

And if any of you other parents out there have a little kid who's outgrown his toddler toys...I'll bet you're pretty sweet too.

I watched Alabama play Tennessee. I'm a big Tennessee fan, even though I live in Alabama.

Tennessee won.

I rejoiced.

Sadly...I rejoiced in a state of Alabama fans.

So I did it very quietly.

We watched the Concert For New York last night.

Man...what an awesome show.

I loved seeing David Bowie doing "Heroes". It was such an appropriate song...plus I've always loved it anyway. And it was a great performance too.

The Who was great. I've always appreciated the Who but wouldn't consider myself a big fan. And even though they're older than my dead grandparents ... they still rocked fairly hard.

I could have done without James Taylor. I guess he was pretty significant to those in attendance. I popped popcorn while he was on.

I thought it was cool that a little girl who had lost her father in the Trade Center was allowed to introduce the Backstreet Boys. The only thing cooler than that would be if one of the Boys took her virginity backstage. I mean...wouldn't that be the ultimate sweet gesture for a little girl that's suffered so much tragedy lately? She gets her cherry popped by the teen idol de jour?

Alright...fine. Maybe not.

I thought Paul McCartney...even though it was HIS show...closing it with him was kinda anti-climactic. You had Billy Joel, Elton John, The Who, Eric Clapton, David Bowie...and then you try to cap it off with Paul. It didn't work for me. If he had brought out George Harrison, Ringo and one of the Lennon boys and had a Beatles reunion, THAT would have worked for me.

How did Bon Jovi show up at both the Concert AND THEN Saturday Night Live five minutes later? Me thinks Saturday Night wasn't so live last night.

Was it a rerun? I didn't catch the beginning of it. It must have either been a rerun or the Jovi taped theirs earlier.

But then...they were there at the end of the show.

It must have been a rerun.

Either that or somebody has cloned Bon Jovi and the evil clones were at the Concert For New York.

Which could be the case. Because at one point during the all-star rendition of "Let It Be" at the end of the show, Jon Bon Jovi stood there with a blank look on his face.

Goddamned cyborgs.

I thought it was great to see all the cops and firemen having such a great time. When they rocked out during The Who, it was awesome.

But you have to believe that the concert probably had the least amount of marijuana being smoked in the history of concerts. When you've got 6,000 cops on the floor and you fire up a blunt anyway...man...you deserve a little jail time.

Speaking of cops...how ironic was it that Jay-Z performed? This just days after he was acquitted for stabbing a record executive. Yeah...like this guy's a real big fan of cops. Luckily, he was the only person allowed to do one song. I guess it was the only song he had in his repertoire that wasn't punctuated with "motherfucker" over and over again.

I thought the Stones doing "Miss You" was a little much. Jagger dancing around like a madman while these people are missing their friends...it just seemed inappropriate.

But man...as far as talent...that show had plenty of it. Granted, had this been 1981 instead of 2001 it would have been much more significant.

But then...the Backstreet Boys would have been like ... four years old or something. And who really wants to sit and watch a bunch of four-year-olds cry onstage?

Not me.

Anyway...that's my weekend so far.

Hope yours is going just as well.

Stay away from the anthrax, kids.