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6:45 a.m. - 2001-04-18



I uhhhhh...overslept today.

But then again ... I have nothing to do, nowhere to be until 10 a.m.

Let's get ya caught up on the last couple of days, since yesterday you got a rip-off entry that really sucked snail shit.

*I'm still bummed that Joey Ramone died.

Lemme try to see if I can get the little girls to understand...let's say ....hmmmm...Lance Bass died.

How would YOU feel??

Then again, I never laid in bed at night, twiddlin' my gennies and dreaming about being Mrs. Joey Ramone, so maybe that comparison isn't fair.

But at one time in my life, Joey Ramone was the coolest bastard in the free world.

I saw the Ramones once...right after "Rock 'n' Roll High School" came out.

They played at the Exit-In in Nashville in 1979 and I was a junior in high school. I think I remember seeing you there...NOT.

The Exit-In was a little club, maybe held 200 people. And the Ramones were louder than Roseanne and Rosie O'Donnell having a catfight.

I remember the concert because it was the first time I had ever seen anyone with a mohawk. Not that I was a sheltered little bitch, but you just didn't see the mohawks in Nashville back then.

I also saw a girl wearing a leopard print shirt, which blew us guys away. You never saw anyone wearing leopard skin prints back then.

And I remember during the song "Sheena Is A Punk Rocker", my buddy Hadley took a beer bottle and was banging it against his head to prove he was a punk rocker in his Izod and khakis.

It still ranks as one of the best concerts I've ever seen. And even though the 'Mones broke up in '95 and you didn't hear much about them since then ... I still miss the bastard.

Adios amigo.

Toys 'R' Us is a nasty, pubic lice-infested whore.

All weekend, I thought I would have the corporation in my back pocket for this damned Big Rat campaign. Only because the employees of the store told me that it would be "no problem" getting the store to cooperate ... just "come back on Monday when the manager's here."

I go back on Monday when the manager is there.

The manager said he's given to ENOUGH charities this month.

"Yeah," I say, pretty damned confidently. "But were any of them the AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY?!?"

"I'd love to help you," he says. "But my hands are tied."




I offered him free advertising in the paper. It appealed to him, but he wasn't budging.

And then...okay...I'm closing in on 40 years old ... but I'm not above pouting.

I shook his hand weakly and said "Thanks anyway" and then walked away slowly like a little kid, hoping he would say "Wait!!" and then give me SOMETHING, ANYTHING.

I mean, I walked SLOOOOOOOW.

Meanwhile, he was probably halfway to the back of the store before I had made it ten feet away. And he was PROBABLY whistling a merry little tune, while I walked away like my dog had just been run over.


I'm personally boycotting Toys 'R' Us.


Watch those idiots have to close their doors when I get done with 'em.


We had our big press conference Monday for the annual party in the streets that we have in May.

I knew a great deal more names than other media folks, because the organizer of the event confides in me, and then I tell you guys what she says.

Anyway ... out of 65 acts, about 40 have been announced. They still have to fill 25 spots.

And the 40 they have are PITIFUL.

Kenny Rogers, KC & the Sunshine Band and Village People are the three biggest names.



Well...if you like country, you'll have a good time. Travis Tritt will be there, as well as some new artists who I have no idea who they are.

But alternative acts SUCK. Better Than Ezra is the only "big" act they've announced.

R&B sucks too. Unless you're a huge Four Tops fan.

...Didn't think so...

So this will be the first year that I skip the festival and go see my parents for their 40th wedding anniversary instead.

The highlight of the press conference though...and this had to be the cheesiest goddamned thing I ever saw ... all of a sudden we heard sirens wailing down the street and two motorcycle cops were leading a limo to the press conference.

All of us gullible media people thought "Maybe it's an act they haven't announced yet."

For some reason, I was thinking "James Brown". It just looked like something James Brown would do.

The limo pulls up. The driver gets out and goes to the back of the limo and opens the door.

...Out steps an Elvis impersonator.

A fucking Elvis impersonator.

First off...after the lame-assed press conference that we had just stood in the hot sun to listen to ... it was IGNORANT to produce anything BUT a big name star out of that limo.

They give us a fucking Elvis impersonator.

The poor guy was lucky he didn't get pummeled to death on his way to the podium.

Afterwards, the organizer came over to me and asked what I thought of the line-up for the festival.

What do you think your Uncle Bob did?

That's right. I gushed over it like it was the greatest goddamned lineup in the history of goddamned lineups.

ONLY because I was also soliciting her for some free VIP passes to the festival.

...WHICH I got.

(Uncle Bob exhales on his fingernails and shines them on his shirt proudly)

These babies are $200 a pop and should go well in the silent auction, since I got four of them.

That's 800 smackeroos, soldier.

I think YOU may have gushed too.

Yesterday was Hell Day. I was at the office with my nose to the grindstone from 7 a.m. until 9 p.m.

HELL, I'm a' tellin' ya.

BUT...I did manage to break away from the actual grind of cranking out a 62-page newspaper to actually solicit a few more items over the phone.

I got a $100 spa package from a local spa. I dunno what all that will buy, but it should make some tense lady REEEEEAL happy.

I also CONFIRMED that I got an autographed football from the coach of the University of Alabama that should be in my grubby little hands tomorrow.

And...I got a brand new set of Callaway golf clubs...retail value??

$700. gal Wendigo will be donating a copy of her book and autographing it personally at the silent auction to whoever gets the highest bid on it.

Soooooo...things are definitely shaping up. I have to go out and get MORE!

I've become greedy. I want MORE, MORE, MORE.

I still want a Maid Service to auction off. And whatever other goodies I can get will be gravy.

I've gotten 40 items donated from businesses. Fifty items is my goal.

I think I can do it.

Wait, wait, wait...

...I KNOW I can do it.

Oh yeah...

I'm at the desk yesterday, busting ass and there's someone on the phone for me.

I pick it up.

Holy shit.

It was one of the producers from "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" in New York.

Here's how stupid I am. I thought they were calling me to be on the show.

I swear to God, that was the first thing that went through my head. Even though I've never TRIED to be on the show, I thought that since I watch it fairly frequently, the producers must have KNOWN this and called me personally to come be on the show.

Once my fantasy world bubble burst and I started listening to the guy, I found out that a local guy from here makes it onto the show and actually gets into the hot seat, and the producers were calling to see if I wanted to interview the guy.

So if you're watching the show on Friday night and see Tom Michael ... he's the guy I'll be interviewing next week.

And I know how much he walks away with, but I'm not allowed to tell. But if he was to help support me in the Biggest Rat campaign, I'd be the biggest damned rat in the world.

That's it from here. I've got more piddly shit to talk about, but I've ranted enough for one morning.

Take care ... have a great day.

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