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2:14 p.m. - 2001-10-31

To clarify on my past three entries...as much as I thought our Haunted House sucked, there were a bunch of customers who thought differently.

We reduced more than one person to tears in the house.

I remember one woman sitting on the floor, backed up into a corner, terrified of Drunk Assed Jamie in a hockey mask and a power saw. Had she known he was drunk and the blade really COULD have cut her...she probably would have shit her pants.

The crowning moment came with the very last group that we brought through the house.

And I use the term "group" loosely.

It was two gangsta wannabes...two thugs with their hats on sideways and their attitude flashing.

They were all badass through the first half of the house.

By the time they got through the second half, they had been severely freaked out.

When I took them down the darkened hallway where Drunk Assed Jamie was waiting for them, they almost had gangsta thug heart attacks.

They went running out the exit, screaming as all the monsters chased them out.

They ran up the hill to their car, still screaming. And they left as quickly as they could.

Another woman couldn't stop crying. One woman, I swear to God, kept calling for her "Mommy". A grown damned woman.

Granted...I think she may have been mentally handicapped. But dammit...if you're mentally handicapped, you don't need to be taking yourself into a Haunted House. This ain't Pirates of the Carribean, dear.

So we DID scare our share of people. But obviously, some people are just scared of their own shadows.


Yes, I know the site looks like hell.

This is all my fault. I thought with my limited knowledge of HTML, I could fix the problem some people said they were having.

I fixed the problem (I think).

Now I've created an even worse problem. The page looks like it was designed by Salvador Dali.

My apologies. I've sent Lisa an email to see if she could help me correct it. She lives in Australia and is addicted to her pillow, so something tells me it should be fixed by the middle of the night tonight, because those wacky Australians...they purposefully went and made their days our nights and vice versa.

Hell...in July it's WINTER there!

I mean...how screwed up is that?!?

Anyway...it'll be corrected soon enough. So remove the panties from your ass and iron the wad out, kids.


So I went for my hearing test yesterday.

Once again...the same doctor I went to ten years ago who told me my hearing was just fine, told me that my hearing was just fine again.

I said "What?"

He repeated himself.

I said "Speak up, Sonny...I cain't hear ya."

He repeated himself.

By that point, I realized he wasn't going to fall for my evil tricks, so I put a kibosh on the game.

They gave me this hearing test that had two sets of headphones on my head, yet NONE of them over my ears. I thought that maybe the gal administering the test was blind, but she apparently knew what she was doing...which was making me look like a total jackass. I pretended that I was a cyborg with one of the earpieces over my eye and the other on the back of my head.

Basically, I do have a hearing loss. It's worse when I'm surrounded by noise because I hear noise better than I hear voices.

If people are going to talk to me, they have to talk straight into my face. And he said it'd be a good idea if I started to try and read lips.

No shit. That's what he said. "Start watching people's lips."

Thanks Doc. You've been a tremendous help. Reading lips. That never occurred to me, you imbecile.

Sheesh. I've been reading lips since I was in my 20s.

I HAVE A HEARING PROBLEM DOC!! I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY...I KNOOOOOW THAT I CAN'T FREAKIN' HEAR!!!

This is the best ear doctor in town too. It's not like I can say "I want a second opinion."

If I do, then I'm out on the street asking some homeless guy "Hey...look in my ear and see if you see anything there, Clem."

Sheesh.

So anyway, he says in about 5-10 years I'll be ready for a hearing aid.

Yahoo!

In the meantime, read lips, use Closed Captioning on the TV and ignore the hell out of your wife and blame it on the hearing.

Okay. I can manage all that.

Looking back 24 hours later, it seems that if I had possibly CHEATED on the test, maybe I'd have a hearing aid right now and be able to hear the conversations in the office next to me.

The conversations don't concern me and are probably a bit boring.

But still. It'd be cool to have normal hearing again.

What would be REALLY cool is if I could get an ear transplant and they have a mix-up in the surgery room and I get a DOG'S EAR!!

Wouldn't that be the shiznit??

And I'd be walking down the street and someone would be whistling a song like "Bye Bye Bye" or maybe "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and I could fall to my knees, clutching the sides of my head and screaming like it was nobody's business because the whistling would be driving me crazy.

And people could say..."What's wrong that fat guy?"

And their friends would say "Him?? He's dog-eared!"

And then the first person would say ... "You mean...he's a page in a book?"

And man...the laughs that would be had, huh?!?

It'd be pretty durned cool, I think.

Pretty durned cool indeed.

See? If I had it right now, I could hear all of you guys going "Man...this Uncle Bob guy is SOOO full of shit."

See??


Soooo...tonight's Halloween.

Our local police chief originally said that there would be no trick-or-treating done tonight. Then his office was flooded with calls from angry second graders and he changed his tune and issued a press statement that said that kids can go ahead and trick or treat, but bring your damned parents, don't eat any homemade treats because they're full of anthrax and report any suspicious activities to someone who actually gives two shits because I told you kids not to do it in the first place, you selfish little communist bastards.

I bought two bags of candy. A bag of Kit Kats and a bag of Smarties. I remember as a kid, I thought that if you ate a lot of Smarties, they made you smarter.

...So I shied away from the Smarties. As if you haven't already noticed that by now.

I forgot to buy the razor blades, so once again, I'm going to have to hand out candy with no razor blades in them.

This sucks. The kids get their freakin' treats. So why the hell can't I play a few tricks?

Dammit.

Anyway, they have to do their business between the hours of 6 and 8.

I have to watch "Ed" intently beginning at 7 p.m. So we're turning the lights off at 6:59 p.m. Ya snooze, ya lose, kids. Go get your booty somewhere else.

Nosy Assed Neighbor hasn't participated in Halloween since we've known her. She says she's sick of the older gang member kids coming round wanting candy when they're not even dressed up...they've just got a pillowcase and they hold it out silently, expecting you to just hand your shit over to them.

She's right. Two years ago I threw a Kit Kat in a gang member's pillow case. He said "No, you fat bitch...I want your wallet too, mofo."

So I had to toss my wallet in too.

Hell, the guy knew where I lived. Plus...he's 16 and has friends with guns...he basically runs our street. If we don't like it, he'd be more than happy to pop several caps in our asses and for us to pick and choose which cap we like best.

So, we play by his rules. We are merely his pawns.

Heh.

Not really.

I'm just winding down this damned diary and went off on a stupid tangent.

But hell, if it wasn't for stupid tangents, this diary would be about a sentence long each day, huh?

Yeah.

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep


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