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8:31 a.m. - 2002-08-13

MY WORLD IS CRUMBLING AROUND ME AND I'M NOT EVEN PROPERLY DRESSED

You know what puts me in a foul mood?

Coming home from work to find a big old sucking parasite sitting outside my door.

No, no one dumped a bucket of lamprey eels or anything on my welcome mat, although, if you think of it, that would be one heck of a good prank. Come home to find a slithery eely pile of sucking goo at your door.

By the way, I take no responsibility if any of you attempt the Uncle Bob Patented Eel Dump. I'm just saying that it would be really a good prank.

And maybe you could send me pictures or something if you did it.

No. No. I didn't say that. Anyway...

My no-good, $1100 owing, Coke sucking brother-in-law was at the apartment yesterday when I got home. I didn't even ask him why he was there. He sort of looked at me sheepishly and muttered something about how Grandma wanted to borrow a hammer to fix their broken something or other. I explained that we'd have to dig our tools out of the boxes in the spare bedroom because we live in an apartment and are not responsible for anything that we break or that our cancer-assed dog covers with runny soupy doggy filth.

He kind of shrugged and then wandered to the window and then hovered there, like a big nerdy serial killer. He didn't go to the refrigerator. He didn't sniff the air to see if he could smell any food cooking or crumbs left on the countertop. Nothing. Just stood by the window. I wandered over to the window to see what he was looking at, figuring that maybe someone left a stack of aging Playboys out there or something, but there was nothing in sight. Just the pool and the courtyard.

Enter the Pool Goddess, in her lime green bikini and golden tawny mountains and curves. I heard Coke Sucking BIL take a deep awed breath, the kind of breath normally reserved for viewing the Mona Lisa or in his case, a Mona Lisa sculpted out of roast turkey and giblet dressing. We both watched as she bent over a chaise and spread out her Three Stooges beach towel, giving us a view of her ample cleavage.

I noticed that BIL had stopped breathing. I looked at him and he had a small trail of drool coming from his Coca-Cola mooching mouth hole. He slurped it back into his mouth, making a sound causing me to shudder and Maggie to hide under the sofa. It was undoubtedly the sound the millions of cans of Coke heard before they crossed over into the Great Coke Beyond.

There is SO a Great Coke Beyond. There isn't one for Pepsi though. Cans of Pepsi just get to go to Pepsigatory, where they are diluted with battery acid by Evil Diabetics and then come back as cans of generic Sam's Choice cola.

Coke-Sucking BIL then took two steps backward, murmured an excuse that he had to go and then fled out the door. I stood in awe. It may have been the first time in recorded history that he visited our home and DIDN'T manage to piss me off.

Shaking my head, I turned to the window and it was my turn to stand there, mouth agape. My BIL was sauntering over to the Pool Goddess. Well, as much as an old, overweight, scarily bearded nerd can saunter. It was a waddle, really, but even I had to admit, it was a studly waddle.

I waited to watch him get struck down, because it IS my BIL and I strongly suspect that he is a middle aged virgin because there aren't any women out there who would have enough charity in their hearts to let him stick them with his $1100 owing man meat. I watched as the Pool Goddess smiled at him and welcomed my BIL to her chlorinated domain.

Just then, Susie walked in with Andrew, home from her job as a crack whore.

"You've GOT to see this. Your brother is macking on the Pool Goddess!"

Susie gave me a puzzled look because it was quite possibly the strangest thing she has ever heard me say. And she's heard a lot of strange things come out of my mouth, considering that once when I was all druggy and stuff, I had an entire weekend where I thought I was Captain Kangaroo and kept calling everyone Mr. Green Jeans and trying to talk to our wall clock in the kitchen.

I nodded emphatically. "No. Really! Come look! He's trying to get some Pool Goddess action!"

Susie looked out the window. "Awww! She is so nice! That would be really great if they could get together!" Because Susie automatically looks on the bright side of things and doesn't appreciate the Ripley's Believe It Or Not quality of watching the BIL try to get some action from the Pool Goddess.

Susie tilted her head. "Maybe if you lent him your swimming trunks, he could swim with her."

"WHAT?!?! There is absolutely no way that I'm going to allow BIL to wear my swim trunks. First of all, I doubt that they would fit. Secondly, I don't want to put my junk where HIS junk has been. EVER! Thirdly, I don't want to pay the apartment complex a cleaning fee when they have to swab out the pool to remove his oily residue. And most important of all, are you insane? EUWW!"

"It was just a thought!" And then she started to make dinner, leaving me to entertain Andrew with my humpable face. I probably shouldn't let him do that so much, but he seems to enjoy it and it's only a phase. The face-humping phase. Some day when I'm old and senile, I'll be able to think back to the important bonding I had with Andrew and be wistful for the smell of urine-soaked Huggies.

Suddenly, Susie walks by the window of the apartment and says "Oh. They're gone."

The Pool Goddess and my Evil Coke-Sucking BIL had disappeared. I was all depressed because undoubtedly Pool Goddess had laughed in his face and I had missed it. I missed getting to see his hang dogged expression and the walk of shame back to his car. I had missed it all to play the Face Humping Game.

We made and ate dinner and then I prepared to take Maggie outside to do her doggie business when suddenly I saw Evil Coke-Sucking BIL walking out to his car.

WHAT? Where had he been that entire time? Had he been with the Pool Goddess? I watched him closely and I think I detected a little spring in his step. He might even have been whistling. I leashed Maggie and then tried to catch him before he got to his car, but it seemed like the second I left the apartment, he started to walk faster, trying to avoid me.

I think my BIL biffed the Pool Goddess.

I'm horrified for her. I mean, I feel as though I should knock on her door and tell her to stay away from him, that he'll drink all of her Coke, leave her dog outside in a thunderstorm and probably spooge on her Lane Bryant Lingerie catalogs. It would be a public service, really. But at the same time, I'm a little afraid. What if she has some kind of Pool Goddess pheromone that is impossible to resist. What if that lime green bikini of hers hypnotizes me? I mean, if I hadn't just witnessed with my very own eyes, my Evil BIL putting the moves on her, I would have thought he was afraid of any women he was not specifically related to. Or wasn't paying for their attention. That wouldn't surprise me either.

I've got to find out what's up with this. Something strange is afoot at the Circle K. Or at the Chez Uncle Bob. I'll put Susie on the case. She'll figure it out. I have a duty to my Army to find out the truth. It's like an Unsolved Mystery. And I'm Robert Stack but hopefully far less creepy and without the Members Only trenchcoat.

Gotta go. Baby's crying and Mama's drugged out on cold medicine.

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