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8:10 a.m. - 2002-11-12

PERVY GETS "THE TALK"

Soooooooo…Pervy.

I mean…that’s what you’re here for…right? You’re dying to know how my conversation with Pervy went last night … right? The one where I finally tell him what a perv he is...that I know he's looking up bizarre and nasty porn sites on my computer every time I leave him alone for 60 seconds and how he's going to burn in Hell for his actions.

Well, I’ll tell ya how it went.

…Right after this important word from my sponsor.

I mean…seriously…I COULD HAVE a sponsor for this revelation. I could have charged admission for this entry. This is the one you people have been waiting desperately for. I’m anticipating thousands upon thousands upon thousands of people from all over the world flocking to this site today to see just how it went last night.

Freakin’ McDonalds…if they had wised up, they woulda ran that commercial with the Grimace and Cedric the Entertainer on this site today and sold about a billion Big Macs.

Y’know…I like Cedric the Entertainer. That guy cracks me up. I haven’t seen his show yet, but I’m sure it sucks. That’s how I am with a lot of entertainers these days. Take Mike Myers for instance. I hate all his movies. Hate ‘em, hate ‘em, hate ‘em. I think Austin Powers is the most unfunny movie franchise since the Godfather I, II and III.

But I love him as a person.

Wait…have I covered this before?

I feel like I have. I’m getting’ this major déjà vu vibe going right now. I’ve written so many of these freakin’ entries now that I can’t remember what I’ve covered and what I haven’t.

Have I mentioned that blow jobs make me uncomfortable?

Really??

I TOLD YOU GUYS THAT ALREADY?!?

Damn.

I guess I don’t have any secrets left here then, do I?

Have I told you that the oldest Christmas ornament that I own is not even a Christmas ornament, but a deformed pretzel?

Yep.

It’s true.

The first year Susie and I were together, she desperately wanted to put up a Christmas tree. I was in my early 20s and could care less about a tree. I just wanted gifts. We were both adults. Screw the tree. Me no need no steenking tree.

Still…she wanted the tree. And as I’ve learned in life…if the woman wants something, you let her have it. No ifs, ands or buts. It’s much easier that way. Spare the sass, spoil the woman…that’s what I always say.

Well, I don’t always say it. A lot of times I’ll say something different. Things like “Holy shit! This tastes like boiled walrus shit!” and “Excuse me, Miss…can you tell me where the tampons are located? And please...don't say the vagina.”

So anyway, she’s decorating this pitiful little fake tree we bought at Walmart for three bucks or something. I’m watching TV. This was 1986, so my guess is I was watching Miami Vice or L.A. Law or something.

“Do you want to help decorate the tree?” she asked me as she hung tinsel on the tree.

“Shit no,” I grunted. “I didn’t want a freakin’ tree in the first place!”

(This is before I adopted the “Spare the sass, spoil the woman” phrase, in case you’re slow and didn’t figure that out on your own)

She pouted which made me feel bad because at that point I think I realized I wasn’t going to be getting any of that 21 year-old nookie. Today, I can’t imagine having sex with a 21 year-old. I’d probably have a heart attack. But back then…I lived for it.

So I change my tune rather quick. In a fit of inspiration, I tossed her an ugly, misshapen pretzel from the bag of pretzels that I was trying to empty.

“Here’s my contribution,” I said as the pretzel sailed through the air and into her hands.

Susie giggled that 21 year-old giggle and hung that ugly pretzel on the tree, then we made mad passionate love because we were kids and that's what kids do...screw 24-7. After Christmas passed, she took the pretzel and put it in a baggie.

And every year, that ugly pretzel gets put back up on the tree. It’s now 16 years old and is still as hard as it was back then.

...Which is more than I can say for little Bobby. He ain't in his 20s no more, knowhuti'msayin?

I’m sure some of you don’t believe me because I tend to sometimes bullshit you guys so you live under the false impression that I’m more interesting than I actually am.

But seriously…why the hell would I bullshit you about a 16 year-old deformed pretzel that my wife keeps hanging on the Christmas tree year after year after year?

Exactly.

THINK, buddy…think!!

I’ll try to remember and take a pic of it later on this month when we finally get the tree put up in the new house. Then all you naysayers will feel all stupid for doubting me.

Yep. You just wait and see, Missy.

Changing the subject for a moment…I bought U2’s “The Best of 1990-2000” yesterday. I don’t buy many discs anymore because … well….why should I? There’s very little music being released by new artists that I like or appreciate (other than Aaron Carter, who I think is just dreeeeeamy), and anything I really want, I download.

But the music companies have caught on to me. Now they offer “Bonus DVDs” with the majority of their major artists so that I’ll sit here thinking “Gee, I could download everything from that disc…except the DVD. And I REALLY want that DVD.”

So I rush out and buy the crap. Only to find out that the Bonus DVD is only 20 minutes long and is really pretty boring. I haven’t watched it yet, but I get the feeling it’s going to suck like the next Star Wars movie.

Speaking of the next Star Wars movie, I made a crack yesterday about this week being like a Nerd Holiday because of the new Harry Potter movie, the DVD release of the Star Wars II movie and the Lord of the Rings Big Assed Boxed Set all being released this week.

Some nerds took offense to me pointing out the obvious and that they were in fact … nerds.

So in order to make the nerds feel a little bit better and give them some self esteem back and make them feel better than me… I watched WWE Wrestling last night faithfully and enjoyed it thoroughly. I even rooted for Booker T in the main event. Dammit though...he lost. Is ANYONE ever going to defeat Triple H for that coveted heavyweight title??? ANYBODY?!!?

There.

Rip me a new one for being 40 years-old and following wrestling like a little boy.

Do you feel better about yourself??

Yeah???

Good.

Far be it for me to lose sleep over raining on the nerd parade.

Speaking of losing sleep, tonight I go to my big Sleep Clinic thang.

This is going to be really weird. Trying to sleep with 40 different wires glued to my head, face, chest, back and penis.

Well, I’m not sure if they attach wires to the willie or not. But if they do I plan to ask for a fluffer first.

…Some of you got that one…others of you didn’t. Those of you who got it...you're pervs.

Plus, after the first hour of sleep, they’re going to wake me up and put the oxygen mask on me and let me sleep with that on all night and then maybe…MAYBE…tomorrow I will finally have the energy that I have been deprived of for the last several years.

I can’t wait. To actually have ENERGY….man…that’ll be better than searching for porn on the internet.

Anyway…I’m outta time. Gotta go.

Have a good one.

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