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4:59 p.m. - 2002-12-11

MORE GIFTS AND LOTSA TIPS

And the gifts keep comin'...

Special shout-outs today to both the original queen of painDominia and the tuffest kid on the blockTuff 517. Both of whom stumbled across my ...okay...here it is again ... Amazon Wish List...and decided that they would be extra special elves this holiday season and help out in the bombardment of Uncle Bob with DVDs in order to help fuel his fetish.

Dominia took time from spreading pain and sent me the fantabulous Bruce Springsteen Video Anthology. My God...this thing has it ALL. As we all know by now, after 20 plus years of waiting to see Bruce live, I saw him about three weeks ago and it was a life altering experience. I would have rambled about it more on this site, but I thought I'd bore the crap out of you guys.

Sure...I always thought you could handle stories about in-laws and pool goddesses and evil realtors and drunken bosses ... but I thought you'd draw the line at a Springsteen concert review.

It's so cool to watch this DVD and watch Bruce grow up. I had forgotten about so many of these videos ("I'm on Fire" for instance) and many of them I've never seen before (I now have the video for "Thunder Road"!! SQUEEEEEAL!!)

Tuffie shocked me with Cheap Trick's "Music For Hangovers" DVD. Cheap Trick is on the other end of the musical spectrum from Bruce in that I've seen Cheap Trick at least a dozen times live and will probably see them a dozen more. I've been diggin' the Tricksters since 1978 when "Heaven Tonight", their third album was released. I've got several stories related to Cheap Trick that I may eventually share here.

Two of those stories though go like this:

The second or third time I saw them, I was working at Opryland USA, an amusement park in Nashville that's no longer there. I had a girl make up Opryland name tags for all four members of the band and carefully threw them onstage in front of each band mate.

Rick, the guitarist, picked up the nametags and announced that they had received them on the microphone. He called his "I Rick".

...It was actually "1 Rick" as in "You're Number 1, Rick!!!" But if he read it as "I Rick", I could accept it. Because I was too busy freaking out to jump up onstage to correct the guy.

He pinned his nametag to his trademark sweater, and pinned Robin's nametag on his silk shirt and they kept plugging away, wearing my nametags the rest of the night.

Pretty heavy stuff for a 17 year old.

Then, the last time I saw them in 1998, I actually had a backstage pass and a seat on the side of the stage. I was taking pictures for the newspaper and got my now-classic picture of Rick...the guy that wore my nametag when I was a teenager, striking a backstage pose and flipping me a bird. It's one of my most prized possessions and hangs in my office at work to remind me ... my guitar God hates my guts.

The DVD that Tuffie sent me was filmed a few weeks after he had posed for that pic for me. So the memory of that concert is now frozen in time for all eternity.

Both of these DVDs kick total ass, gals. And I thank you both from the bottom of my black heart.

And as I've pointed out...since funds are tight this year thanks to the new house and all ... you'll have to settle for some homemade gifts from me in return. Hopefully I'll be getting those in the mail next week.

And I only posted the Wish List one more time because some of you people have been insistent on seeing it again and buying me something. As Dominia pointed out, 'tis the season of giving and all that jazz and if people wanna buy me stuff I shouldn't feel guilty about it.

Sorry. There's still some Catholic left in me. Mostly in the form of 30 year-old semen still oozing around in my ass (thanks a heap Father Murphy ... may you rot in hell, you drunken Irish bastard), but some in the form of that trademarked Catholic guilt.

So if ya wanna buy me something...fine. I can't afford to buy you anything in return, but I'm putting my skills to work and repaying everyone with something I've created with my hands and mind and will be personally sent to you.

And don't buy the expensive stuff. Holy cow...that's for my wife and family to buy me. I think the guilt would kill me if I got the "Oz" boxed set from one of you guys.

But thanks again to Dominia and Tuff 517, both of whom just made my freakin' day yesterday.


Susie called me yesterday to tell me that she got me a deejay gig this Sunday.

I'll be deejaying her company Christmas party.

Can you say "Whee"?

This is going to rock because all I have to do is play Christmas music and then switch to instrumental music while they have their drawing for prizes. No pressure to build a dance floor...I'm just background music.

And at the end of three hours, I get $300. Which will pay for Andrew's playhouse so that we won't go into debt once again to fund Christmas.

If any of you are out there and need a deejay for a private function, lemme know. I usually charge $450 a gig, but I'm known for cutting deals for pals.

Can you imagine? Uncle Bob...deejaying your party and playing the latest from Pink and Avril Lavigne and Nelly and Emifuckinem??

Wow.

You'd think you'd died and went to heaven. Or something.

Oh.

And you pay my expenses too.

I ain't drivin' 1,000 miles for $300.

Get real.


Yesterday, I received an email from an unnamed friend from Texas who asked for my assistance in helping her totally screw this women's magazine that she works for.

Well...not "totally screw". But rock a boat or two.

It seems she writes a lot of stuff that she hates writing. Hates it, hates it, hates it.

Her job becomes obsolete this coming summer and she wanted to go out with a bang by printing several fake articles in the magazine as a "Fuck You" to the company.

So anyway...here's a few things I came up with for her if she wanted to use them. She might, she might not. It was fun to do though and that's the important thing...having fun while making people's lives miserable.


FUN TIPS FOR THE FAMILY VACATION

Instead of going to the normal family destinations like Orlando or the beach, try rural New Mexico! Children absolutely love the desert!

A good idea for long car trips is to wrap the children’s torsos in Cling Wrap before putting their underwear on. That way, in case there’s an “accident”, no clothes are soiled!

Panama City Beach is the perfect place for a family vacation during Spring Break!

Save money on lunches by serving the family packs of saltine crackers that you can get free at most salad bars.

A great game to play in the car is “What Color Car Would You Like To Have Someday?” The answers kids can give in this fun game are oftentimes hilarious!

Don’t forget the chewing gum!

If you’re planning a long road trip, remember to bring a pushpin to help “jolt” the driver awake in case they begin to nod off behind the wheel!

Nothing says “fun” like funnel cakes!! Make your own at home before the trip, using a funnel cake machine!

If your trip is going to find you away from home for longer than five days, it’s best to contain the family pet in a small area such as a dark closet or shoebox!

If you run out of toothpaste during your vacation, liquid soap is just as effective in removing plaque and errant gum tissue!

Remember … hotels expect you to steal their towels! That’s why they have so many!

Cameras are nice on a vacation, but remember … most photo developers will “lose” any risqué shots on your roll of film and post them on the Internet!

If you must take a computer with you on vacation, make sure it’s a laptop!

Don’t forget the penicillin!

If you’re flying on your vacation, don’t forget … most airlines don’t have the same sense of humor they had five years ago! Leave those “Greeting each airline employee with a cheery ‘Hi Jack’!” jokes at home!

Try not to eat the food on cruise ships! Studies show it’s injected with chemicals like salmonella!

Don’t leave anything behind in hotel rooms! Maids will always say they “didn’t see” your diamond bracelet when they cleaned the room after you left!

If your child is too small to ride a certain ride at an amusement park, don’t fret! Those guidelines are for poor people who don’t know any better! Just hold your child’s hand tight on the ride and have fun!

If a member of your family is restricted to a wheelchair, it’s best that you vacation at home and not be any further burden on society!

Freshly picked flowers will brighten up any dashboard!

Children love to have stories read to them at amusement parks so remember to bring plenty of their favorite books!

Pray whenever you can remember to pray!

If your car breaks down in a small town, remember … most small town mechanics rely on the barter system as a primary method of payment. You may find yourself asking … in the grand scheme of things which is more precious … the entire family’s enjoyment of a vacation or your teenage daughter’s virginity?

If it rains during your vacation, many hotels will refund your money if you complain enough!

Don’t forget the tampons!

Drinking and driving is really okay if you drink less than you would normally drink during a night on the town. Most State Troopers don’t want to be saddled with the massive amounts of paperwork required for a simple DUI!

The most important thing to remember on a vacation is to not let your morals get in the way of having a good time!


RAINY DAY ACTIVITIES FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILD

1)Make a wreath out of discarded Kleenex.

2)Watch a Lifetime TV-movie and use the opportunity to discuss serious adult issues with children.

3)Open a window and count the raindrops that you hear.

4)Plan an imaginary funeral!

5)Talk about all the wonderful activities your community has to offer on sunny days.

6)Make some homemade mouthwash using rubbing alcohol and Chiclets.

7)Pretend you’re a doctor and call your husband’s girlfriend to tell her that your husband has AIDS.


NEW FASHION TIPS FOR SPRING

Springtime always brings a wealth of changes to everyone’s wardrobe. As the weather heats up, the layers of clothes come off until many of us are prancing around in our undergarments like dirty little sex kittens! Jessica Van Klein of Mademoiselle has joined forces with Sabrina Van Davenport and Tasha Van Underwood of the Look!Now! fashion line have recently published this year’s hot fashion statements for spring with a heavy emphasis on the unusual and trendy.

Leading the list this year is insect jewelry. Feeding off the frenzy that shows such as “Survivor” and “Fear Factor” have generated, many of today’s fashionable women have taken to wearing necklaces, bracelets, chokers and earrings fashioned of dead insects. Spider necklaces are cropping up in boutiques and are flying off the shelves. Today’s woman is looking to make a statement that says “I’m fearless and abrasive” and nothing says that like an authentic spider necklace.

Colored pantyhose have been around for years, but the L’egg’s corporation has taken the concept a bit further with new plaid pantyhose. These colorful pantyhose are all the rage in New York, Los Angeles and Chicago and will soon be taking the country by storm. While many department stores in the South have yet to jump on the bandwagon, there’s always opportunity to voice your opinion that you are one of today’s women that want a choice in your color of pantyhose. Demand that your favorite retail outlet orders the new Plaid Pantyhose from L’egg’s and be swaying gingerly on the cutting edge of fashion.

Another red-hot fashion statement is one that many models are crafting themselves in order to put their own spin on the work. By fastening a gold link chain to a clock face and wearing it around your neck, you have assured yourself a lofty position in the hot fashion line. And by doing the same with a watch’s face, you can easily craft your own earrings. Now you’ll always have a proper answer to the question “What time is it?” Why…it’s Fashion Time of course!

And close-cropped hair is also back in style. Recently Demi Moore, Gwyneth Paltrow and Nicole Kidman have shaved their heads for movie roles and the look is finally becoming chic in 2003! This new bald look tells those around her that this woman is sleek, sexy and full of pent-up aggression. It won’t be long before what is quickly becoming known as “The Cueball Look” in fashion circles to move into small town America, transforming its women into ravishing bald symbols of misguided advice.

And once the joke of many, tomorrow’s fashion statements will revolve heavily around the shirt commonly known as “The Wifebeater”. Fashion experts agree that the Wifebeater accentuates the positive in each woman who dares to wear one and that the proper placement of man-made holes in the outfit add a New Wave look to it missing since the last Billy Idol concert tour.

Using these hot and hip fashion tips, you can transform yourself from a frumpy, mildly attractive former Trophy Wife to a hip, hot fashionable lady of the evening in just a matter of minutes!

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