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6:24 a.m. - 2003-02-10

KICKIN' OFF HELL WEEK

What a week this is going to be.

First off, Miss Robin's mother-in-law died. Miss Robin is the woman who takes care of Andrew each day. She's had to pop down to Slidell, Louisiana to pack up her mother-in-law's posessions and dump them in a swamp. Or something. Apparently, her ma-in-law had a ton of stuff to dump, so she's going to be gone all week.

Which means, we've had to scramble to get people to watch Andrew.

Today's my day. So I've got to use a sick day to stay home and stay with my son when neither of us are sick.

The rest of the week is covered. But today's my day.

I'm planning a day full of eating Fritos-flavored ice cream, watching horror movies and toilet-training the boy using a bucket and a cattle prod.

At least, this way, he won't be so quick to scream "Daddy! Daddy!" when asked who he wants to stay home with from now on.


Tomorrow night we meet our potential new minister at the church in a meeting.

I'm not at liberty to state her name here, like you people need that anyway. I was sworn to secrecy over this in a meeting last night which I thought was the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

"This is STRICTLY confidential stuff we're telling you here," one of the church guys said. "You cannot tell ANYONE what's going on."

Like it's a top secret military project.

I wanted to slap the guy and say "Dude. It's a prospective minister. Nobody's lives are in danger. Can the confidential shit."

Wednesday night it's dinner with the prospective minister.

Thursday night I'll be at the University of Alabama talking to the journalism students who had better be reading these exact words and telling them how they too can be just like Uncle Bob.

Three pieces of advice:

1) Do lots of drugs that fry your brain to the point of no return.

2) Pretend to be an ultra-famous celebrity and start an online diary degrading that celebrity and only stop when threatened with a lawsuit.

3) Talk a lot about asses and the things that come out and go in them.

Do those three things and you too can be just like me.

Except the online celebrity diary thing. That is soooooo 2000.

Friday night we are either taking Andrew to the theater to see "Jungle Book II" or going to renew our wedding vows at church.

Frankly, I was at church last night. I'll be at church Tuesday and Wednesday night. I'm fully planning on switching churches in the next few months. I really don't want to go on Friday.

But...Andrew never saw "The Jungle Book" and so I'm thinking he may be lost during the sequel. And it's been 35 years since I saw it and I honestly don't remember much of it. I know a little Indian boy gets boned by a big singing bear and then a snake blows him. Other than that, I don't remember much about it.

Oops. That's "The Jungle Bitch". I always get the two mixed up.

So yeah...long week ahead of me.


Friday night, we watched "The Good Girl", yet another DVD I've gotten off of Swappingtons. You could have been watching it yourself had you just signed up and put "Bob" down as your referral.

But noooooooo...you think you're too damned good for Swappingtons. You don't WANT free DVDs and stuff. Nope, you'd rather sit there in front of your computer and bitch about how much you hate getting free stuff and that nobody ever offers you anything free and you wonder if your breath stinks and nobody wants to tell you because then it will initiate a conversation with you where they'll be hit with a pungent wall of tuna-scented breath.

Quit being a bitch. Sign up, tell 'em Bob sent you and you're on the road to a better and brighter you.

With fresher breath.

Guaranteed.

Anyway...where was I?

Oh. Yeah... "The Good Girl".

It's that new movie that Jennifer Aniston-Pitt (grrrrr) has gotten all the great reviews for.

She's this frumpy housewife who decides to have an affair with this kid she works with and then all hell breaks loose.

I loved the movie myself.

Susie found it "depressing".

Hmmmmmmm...why would she find a movie about a housewife who's having an affair "depressing"??

Could it be?

Can it be??

Should it beeeeee?????

Hell, I dunno. If she's having an affair, more power to her. Get ya some, baby. You're at your sexual peak now. I'm not 18. I can't satisfy her like an 18 year old Hispanic pool boy could.

I can cook.

That's about it.

Anyway, I've already put the DVD back up on Swappington's where it got snapped up by Madsister of TWoP fame in record time.

So I've got to get that sent off to her today.

But I did learn something from the movie.

Ladies...if you're going to have an affair with a guy you work with ... well....shit.

I learned nothing from this movie.

I've gotta go...the boy's up and the wife needs to get ready for work.

Maybe talk to you later.

Me

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