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4:41 a.m. - 2003-05-19

CREPES IS FRENCH FOR "CRAP"

Hi.

Hey.

How ya' doin'?

So yeah...the Army accidentally flew out the window.

Well ... it wasn't so much an "accident".

There's several reasons for me getting rid of the Uncle Bob Army.

First ... it was an absolute bitch to keep up.

Second ... I hadn't updated it in over a year.

Third ... there were so many dead links in it that it had become a joke.

Fourth ... it was so long that it took forever for people with dial-up modems to download my page.

Fifth ... it was sooooo 2000.

Sixth ... the U.S. Army had announced they were waging war on the Uncle Bob Army unless I ceased and desisted the bastard.

Seventh ... I felt cheap and used.

You get the idea.

So let's try it without the Army for a little while.

Maybe someday it'll come back.


So yesterday, we go to this new place in town that serves breakfast all day.

It's really a huge fancy place called "Waffle House".

BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

No...not really.

I don't want to say the name of it, because I don't want it showing up on a Google search.

Anyway, I ordered crepes.

I've never had crepes before. But I had always said to myself "Dude. If you're ever presented with the chance to eat crepes ... eat the crepes."

Always.

I can't remember a day when I DIDN'T say that.

So I ordered raspberry crepes. Four crepes filled with raspberry filling and raspberry sauce on top of them.

Have you ever eaten crepes?

Yeah?

Then why didn't you tell my ass that "crepes" is French for "wax paper"?

Dude...that is soooo cruel of you.

They bring my crepes out and there's four wads of waxed paper with powdered sugar and this purplish crap all over them.

I whittle on one of them with my fork and knife for what seemed like an eternity before I scraped part of the wax paper off.

I stuck it in my mouth and made the same face that Chinese guy makes in those Sour Starburst commercials.

It's the same face that you'd make if you had just taken a bite of something and someone tells you that you just took a bite out of a pickled fetus.

Except I can't imagine a pickled fetus tasting worse than this.

They must have used extremely tart raspberries to make the filling. Or Clorox. One or the other. Because I about fell out of my chair from the shock.

I ate two of the crepes and gave the rest to Susie.

I'll go back to the place someday. Possibly for lunch.

But I'll be damned if I ever order the crepes again.


I think we're going to buy one of those Videos In A Bag for Andrew.

We're taking two trips here in the next three weeks. One to Hilton Head Island and the other to Louisville, Kentucky.

We've heard that these TV things are great for making those long trips bearable.

Our only option is to leave Andrew home alone for several days, which wouldn't be so bad except he's only two and a half and hasn't really mastered using the microwave just yet.

Other than that, I think he's ready.

Regardless, we're getting the video in a bag thing.

This way, Susie can drive and Andrew can nap and I can watch porn in the backseat and wack it at 80 mph.


This is apparently the last week of MTV's "Fraternity Life".

Meaning this will be the last week I have to recap it for TWoP.

Which means I'm genuinely ecstatic.

First off, I hate the show. It's boring and contains some of the worst real-life "characters" I've ever seen on television.

I'm sure these guys are probably all good people in real life and that the editing makes them look like assholes, blah blah blah.

But man...they've got some mighty fine editors on that show because these guys come off as pompous idiots.

Second ... I'm getting absolutely zero response for my work on these recaps.

The only time I can write them are on Saturday mornings from 4-7 a.m. Each week, I'm racing against the clock to get them finished before 7 a.m. because then Andrew gets up and he does NOT like me writing on the computer if he's awake.

It's all "play with me, Daddy. Feed me. Change my diaper. Put the fire out in my bedroom, Daddy" stuff.

So admittedly, the recaps aren't the funniest things I've ever done.

But when you do try to muster up the funny, and throw it out there and people just go "Eh" you tend to develop an attitude towards the job.

So I'm really looking forward to being finished with "Fraternity Life".

For good.

There's supposedly a second season of the crap already in the can.

But I'll be damned if I'll be recapping it.

The one thing I do like about the show ... it shows the ugly side of Greek life in college. How you're basically FORCED to like people that you would never have anything to do with outside of the fraternity.

I just never understood the concept of paying dues to be part of a fraternity and there would be people in this fraternity that I would naturally not like.

Pay money to hang around with people that I don't like?

I just don't get it.

I never pledged a fraternity in college.

I had tons of friends, including some in fraternities.

I got laid quite a bit, including quite a few sorority girls.

I partied my ass off.

I eventually got expelled from college.

I did not need to be part of a fraternity for any of this.

Therefore...the money I would have spent on fraternity dues was freed up to spend on ....I dunno... dope.

Remember when drugs were called "dope"?

Man.

The good ol' days.

Now you wretched children have taken my generation's slang for drugs and use it to mean "cool".

"Man...that new Play Station game is DOPE!"

Bah.

Wretched kids deslanging my slang.

Get off my porch with your dopeness!


My 18 year-old niece went shopping with her friend Friday night to buy bras and panties for the prom which was Saturday night.

To make a long story short, my niece's friend was arrested for shoplifting. She forgot to take off the bra and panties that were under her clothes after she tried them on.

Her family is filthy rich, as are most shoplifters' families.

No real snotty comment to make here...just thought I'd pass the news on.


My niece, whose boyfriend dumped her two weeks ago, ended up going to the prom with a gay friend.

A guy, mind you.

My sister told me that they went with the sole purpose of making their ex-boyfriends jealous.

I had to laugh.

She sent me photos of the prom couple and the guy has a pierced eyebrow.

That threw me for a loop.

My sweet, precious, innocent niece was going to the prom with a guy with a pierced eyebrow.

Sigh.

I bet they had a really dope time too.

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