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5:02 a.m. - 2003-06-20

THE AMAZING ADVENTURES OF SPOT THE WONDER DOG

Andrew...I'm LOVING the new Random Entry feature.

I read a few random entries of mine this morning and can report that my entries get better with age.

Either that or I'm still drunk this morning.

Not that I drank last night.

Alright, fine...I have no excuses. I'm really tired, I like the new random entry feature, I got to read some entries I don't remember writing and blah blah blah.

I'm also cranky this morning.

Which goes nicely with the "really tired" part.


Sorry ... I was writing this and then started playing with the Random Entry feature again, got sidetracked and here I am 30 minutes later.

Let's see...what to talk about....

I had the busiest day of my new career yesterday. It was so busy that it lasted almost 12 hours and I didn't even take a lunch hour.

THAT'S busy, peeps.

First, I had breakfast at a local bed and breakfast with my German journalist friend.

He's actually British but writes for a German magazine that's in English because Germans like to read magazines in English.

But the magazine is also published in French, Spanish, Italian and Swahili.

I'm not exactly sure about the Swahili really.

Anyway, his girlfriend was German, so I got to engage in the only German that I remember.

"Haben sie einen rasenmaher?" I asked her.

(Do you have a lawnmower?)

"Nein," she giggled.

(No)

"Meinst du das oder sagst du das nur so?" I smiled.

(Do you mean that or are you just saying that?)

Don't ask me why, but those are the only German phrases I remember.

Anyway, the breakfast went off without a hitch except for the fact that we were served CHEESE omelets.

I'm not a big fan of omelets.

And I think by now, you people should have realized that I'm the world's leading hater of cheese and cheesy-like substances.

I looked at the omelet and didn't want to offend the hosts by saying "This shit doesn't have any fucking cheese in it, does it?"

So I took a bite.

My tongue told my brain "Dude! CHEESE! Get the word down to stomach!"

My brain told the stomach "Alert! Alert! Cheese on its way! Prepare for regurgitation!"

Thank God Stomach was on vacation. The last thing I needed was a bout of projectile vomiting at the breakfast table to really impress the journalist.

Anyway, I took that bite, tasted it and swallowed it whole.

It was a small bite, so I didn't gag.

The owner of the house started bragging about the dish. She called it "A Little Taste of Heaven" and it was one of her favorite recipes.

And here I was...not eating her prized recipe.

I felt like a heel.

I ate everything else and left the omelet basically untouched.

At the end of the meal, she asked me why I didn't eat her little Taste of Heaven.

I said "It tasted more like a little Taste of Penguin Shit to me, lady."

She ran out of the room in tears, I shook the journalist's hand, squeezed his girlfriend's hot German ass and hauled ass myself to work.

Got to work and KNEW I had a full day's work ahead of me.

But I was presented with a special duty that was very important.

I had to get a long, detailed report together.

...In an hour.

I scrambled to get this report thrown together. Luckily, I got some help from the girl that asked me to do it and it got out in time.

Then, I started the work that was going to take me all day to do ... find about a dozen press releases that reflect the city, make 25 copies each of them, and assemble them all in press kits for the Koreans that I'd be entertaining that evening.

I did that.

But I had to print all the press releases three different times before they looked right.

Which means ... I printed about 900 sheets of paper yesterday and only 300 of them were usable.

That took up a large amount of time.

Thankfully, my former evil boss, now co-worker Wendigo offered to help me staple them all together and put them in the media kits.

She's AWESOME, peeps.

And I'm not just saying that because she's reading this this morning, either.

In return for Wendigo's help, I offered to go take pictures of the Korean visitors while they attended a press conference.

It's about 94 degrees yesterday, and I'm strutting across town in a coat and tie (and nothing else...HA! I kid...) so by the time we get there, I'm sweating like a Catholic priest at a Cub Scout meeting.

I snap about 3,000 pictures of them and then leave.

Get back to the office, if it's not one thing it's another....anything and everything is preventing me from getting these press kits finished.

I get a call from a woman who will be picking me up at the office at 5:15 to go meet with the Koreans.

I finish the press kits at 5:12. No exaggeration. I was just thrilled that I finished them.

Get on a bus and give the Koreans a tour of the city.

They took about 73,184,115 pictures of things. It was amazing. They must have taken at least a million shots of me alone.

So if any of you have access to Korean newspapers and see a photo of a dumbfounded guy in a blue shirt and yellow tie on the cover with the headline "Fat Lazy American Make Lousy Tour Guide"....that's me.

I was scheduled to go to dinner with them, but these guys were being ultra-silly. Maybe they were all wacky fellas to begin with, but they had all experience long days. They had flown all day to get here and then been swept all around town to various locations.

They kept taking photos of each other in front of historic landmarks in town.

These were journalists by the way in case you haven't figured it out.

They would pose in front of a building, flashing the devil horn sign and waggling their tongues at the camera.

One guy...whom I'm guessing was the Korean stud of the bunch, coersced two young ladies to pose in a photo with him. The girls were just walking down the street and he asked them in broken English to be in the picture with him.

They obliged and when the picture was shot, he stuck out his tongue as if he were about to lick their breasts.

This was one of the television journalists. We had three television journalists on board who we were told represented the ABC, CBS and NBC of Korea.

It was like a Korean Tom Brokaw acting like Gene Simmons.

Way bizarre.

Anyway...I could only imagine the circus that they would make out of dinner and politely opted out of it, as did my boss and another woman.

So that was my day.


THE FRIDAY FIVE

1. Is your hair naturally curly, wavy, or straight? Long or short?

It's naturally straight, but as it gets long, it starts to curl. It's cut short, maybe two inches in length.

2. How has your hair changed over your lifetime?

I had a buzz cut until the fifth grade, Dad cut my hair with an electric hair trimmer. Started to let it grow out after that. In college I wore it a little past the bottom of my shoulder blades. That and a large silver hoop earring defined my "hippie" status in 1982. Today, it's what I'd call a "businessman's cut". I still feather back the sides like it was 1985. Sorry, I like the look.

3. How do your normally wear your hair?

Parted on the left side, feathered on the sides. Lots of hair gel and spray to keep it in place.

4. If you could change your hair this minute, what would it look like?

There'd be more of it on the crown of my head, less gray hair and the cowlick in my part would go away.

5. Ever had a hair disaster? What happened?

I let two girls who were pretty doped up give me a "trim" in college. They both kept taking turns on my hair. At the time, I had probably the most beautiful hair I ever had, long and thick. The end result was very uneven and very stupid looking.

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