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5:37 a.m. - 2003-07-25

THOSE WACKY HUSSEINS!

So yesterday, the U.S. releases photos of the dead Hussein brothers to prove that they're really dead.

Problem is ... one of them was wearing a fake beard when we killed him.

D'oh!

Darn the luck!!

So now, the Iraqis are skeptical if these are really the Hussein brothers or just some sly lookalikes with fake beards.

"I don't knooooow," said Urpy Achmad Sarkozi, a local Iraqi barber in Baghdad in severely broken English. "It looks like the Hussein brothers...but they didn't have fake-looking beards."

This is the sentiment shared by many Iraqis. These could be the brothers ... but the whole fake beard thing is throwing them off. Kinda like a drug-sniffing dog getting a whiff of dog ass in a duffle bag full of weed and losing his train of thought.

Hindsight being 20/20...U.S. soldiers should have removed the beards before snapping the Polaroids.

So today, the United States is allowing reporters to view the actual bodies at the morgue.

George Bush may even fly in and stand next to the corpses saying "See?!? DEAD!! D-E-A-D, people...DEAD!! These two are bereft of life! (Holding up an egg) This is your brain! (Smashing the egg into the corpse's blood-soaked cheek) This is a dead Hussein brother! Any questions??"

Now, the United States has already planned on the reporters STILL not believing that these are the Hussein brothers.

We're one step ahead of those skeptical Iraqis, yes we are.

Tomorrow, our military is going to attach several heavy-duty strings to these corpses and with the help of several marines, the Hussein brothers are going to "come to life" as human marionettes.

The plan is to put on a little play entitled "We Are So Seriously Fucking Dead" and will feature the two brothers being jerked around on strings in reenactments of some of their most famous moments to the delight of Iraqi journalists.

Like the time they raped several little boys for listening to a bootleg James Taylor tape.

Or the time they beat a woman senseless with crowbars because she coughed in public.

The White House is hoping that this dead human puppet show will finally convince the Iraqis that these guys are dead.

If this doesn't work, the military is trying to convince all Iraqi women to come to the morgue and cough hysterically in order to see what happens.

If that doesn't work, plans are to nuke Iraq.

Because...well...if you're that damned stupid, you won't be missed by the rest of the world anyway.


One thing I'd like to see ...

I'd like to see UPN exploit all this and come up with a sitcom called "Those Wacky Husseins!" for the fall season.

Each week, the Husseins would have a different adventure full of non-stop chuckles.

The first episode could have the Husseins go on a trip to an Iraqi amusement park, which turns out to be a donkey in a desert.

Then they could all fight and hit each other over the head with newspapers and then torture and kill the owner of the donkey or something.

The next week they could put on fake beards and go to the Iraqi grocery store and have a difficult time in finding milk that hadn't yet expire.

So they rape the grocery store owner and shoot his kids in the eyes.

Then wacky hijinx ensue!!

I'm telling you ... it'd be a hit for UPN.

After all ...it couldn't be any worse than half the shit they've got on that crappy-assed network now.

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