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5:34 a.m. - 2003-08-25

CRANKY BASTARDS ON ICE

I found out yesterday that an old friend of mine has a four year old grandson.

She's 38 years old.

She had a baby when she was 17.

Her son fathered a child when he was 17.

My friend's mother, the great-grandmother of this child, came to our house for one of Susie's S0uthern Living parties.

She's probably 60 years old.

When I was a kid, my great grandmother was probably 98 years old and was one big wrinkle.

That's how I used to think of great-grandmothers.

The great-grandmother at my wife's party yesterday?

I'd probably do her if I were drunk enough and she coughed up some taxi fare afterwards.

Now, does this mean I'm getting old when I'm contemplating the fantasization of great-grandmothers?

And if you think that's sick...keep in mind...I'd much rather be banging the Olsen Twins.

Once they're legal, of course.


Have you ever gone to Walmart reeeeeal early in the morning?

Like at about 5:30 a.m.?

I did that on Saturday, and lemme tell ya ... it's a hoot, peeps.

Because the clientele in a Walmart at 5:30 a.m. is just a step above the clientele at a Waffle House at 2:30 a.m.

I think most of the Walmart customers are the same people that were at a Waffle House three hours earlier and have just had a chance to sober up a bit.

It's kind of a dormitory setting in a way.

The women are freshly showered, but they didn't put on any makeup or dry their hair or put on bras. Basically, they jump out of the shower, throw on a shirt and shorts and flip flops and hit the Walmart.

The guys are all unshaven with ball caps on.

At least I was.

Everyone is shuffling around like half-awake zombies and it's scarcely populated in there.

It's like "Walmart of the Living Dead".

And even though the only kinship you have with everyone else is ... you're so desperate for whatever you're there for that you're there at 5:30 in the morning ... it's a bond that cannot be broken.

At least until you leave the store and go home.

I have no idea why I find it necessary to report this.

But on Saturday morning at 5:40 a.m. ... I thought "I need to write about this on Monday!"

Half-awake zombies think up all kinds of crazy shit like that.


I watched "Bowling for Columbine" Friday night.

On the front of the DVD case, there's little blurbs from film critics to entice you to buy the DVD.

One says "Hilarious!"

That's one sick assed film critic. You people thought I was a tactless sonofabitch. The words "Columbine" and "Hilarious!" on the front of a DVD case go together like a Catholic priest and Heidi Fleiss.

It's a powerful movie. And me ... being for gun control ... thought it was a must see.

But hilarious?

I dunno.

If you want hilarious, you need more footage of elderly people slipping on patches of ice.

Hey.

That's it.

I just came up with the greatest idea ever.

Heard of "Disney on Ice"?

How about "Cranky Bastards on Ice"?

Go from city to city, erect a big ice skating rink in Civic Centers, charge people $25 to get in, put several wool cardigan sweaters and cans of cat food in the middle of an ice skating rink and then give the go-ahead to several hundred local senior citizens to get on the ice and try to make their way to the middle of the ice.

Then, as they shuffle slowly out to the middle of the ice, they start falling down and breaking hips left and right.

You could have paramedics dressed as circus clowns who skate out onto the ice and toss the cranky old bastards onto stretchers and wheel 'em off the ice, making way for more senior citizens.

You could hire some retired sportscaster to do the play-by-play.

"Here comes #12, that's Mildred Schlumsucker, coming up from behind, she's closing in, she's closing in...WAIT! MILDRED IS DOWWWWWWWN!! It looks from here like she's holding her elbow and writhing in pain. She's out! She's out! She's ouuuuuut!!"

Then, whoever does happen to make it out to the middle of the rink and retrieve a sweater and a can of cat food also gets a $10 gift certificate to a local cafeteria.

I'm calling the copyright office first thing this morning.


Hey!

Tried those new Ritz Chips yet?

Don't.


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