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5:18 a.m. - 2004-01-12

WHY COULDN'T I HAVE BEEN RAISED BY BEARS?

(As promised, here is my three year-old son Andrew's review of the "Bear In The Big Blue House Live" show that we attended on Saturday.)

Hello.

Before I get started, let me just say that for those of you who are reading this hoping that I'm going to be using gangsta speak, think again Captain Oily Balls. Gangsta Speak is soooo '03. I haven't yet decided what current trend to hang my diaper on yet, but when I do, you'll be the last to know, believe me. Because honestly ... why do I care about my Dad's fake internet friends? Reality check, people.

So yeah, the day started with Pops waking my ass up at 6:30 a.m.

On a Saturday.

Read that shit twice if you have to. Six-thirty a.m. on a Saturday.

Dumbass comes up with the bright idea of putting me in my carseat in my pajamas rather than getting me dressed, thinking that as soon as my ass hits that carseat, I'm back asleep.

Sheeee-it.

As soon as my ass hit that carseat, I realized it was about four degrees outside of my bed. How about YOU go outside in your pajamas in the dead of winter and try to sleep?

So Pops gets us in the car and we drive for three hours. The whole time, his fat ass is up front saying "Guess who we're going to go seeeee? Guess who we're going to go seeeee?"

I give up Dad. A therapist in Ohio??

We get to the Civic Center and there's maybe three other families in the joint.

They're not opening the doors until 10 a.m.

It's 9:30.

Luckily, they let us inside so I could roam the hallways and scream.

For those of you over the age of 4, you have no idea how good it is to be a kid. When presented with big open spaces, it's perfectly acceptable for you to run screaming like a horror movie star up and down and round and round until you're exhausted. It's primal therapy at its finest.

Finally, they open the doors and true to my Dad's words ... he got us some ace seats for the show. We were on the third row which was technically the second row because the fat security bitch wasn't letting anyone on the first row. She got all prison guard on my ass when I tried to sneak up there.

"Whose kid is this?" she yelled, like I was a broken shopping cart in the middle of Walmart on the day after Thanksgiving.

My dad claimed me (big shock there) and dragged my happy ass back to the seat.

I could see the Big Blue House behind the trees and there was instrumental music of Bear's Greatest Hits playing. I was jamming and grooving to the tunes, keeping my eyes on the front door of the Big Blue House when I saw her.

It was Tammy. The dancer from the Bear Live DVD.

In a perfect world, Tammy would be my Mommy and take me on tour with Bear around the world and Bear would raise me like a little cub.

Tammy walked off the stage and started walking into the audience.

I froze. I fucking froze. I. Could. Not. Move.

Tammy walked right up to my Dad's side and asked how everyone was doing.

My Dad, the witty bastard we all know and despise said "Fine".

Yeah. He's a real wordsmith alright.

Tammy was looking for some kids to interview during the show. We would be put on the big screen above the House and it would be our claim to fame ... sharing the stage with a guy in a Bear outfit.

I got all nervous because ... well ... truth be told, my language skills aren't up to par.

I can type. I mean ... shit ... I'm a genius, dude.

But all genius children have to have one major flaw. And mine is that I just can't get that damned sentence structure down pat.

I mean ... it could be worse. I could have claws for hands.

Tammy asked my Dad if she could bring me onstage. At that point, I buried my face into my Mom's chest and wouldn't look to Dad for the answer. Maybe if I stayed this way through the remainder of the morning, I could pretend that I didn't hear Tammy's request and really screw up the show.

Luckily, Dad had a moment of clarity and told Tammy I was shy and probably wouldn't do a good job.

Thanks for that vote of confidence Pop. One little statement like that just cost you thousands in therapy later on.

The show finally started and I'll admit, at first it was really creeping me out that we were so close to the stage. Although I had never actually seen it happen on television, there was a slim chance Bear could leap off the stage and eat me alive.

I mean ... the thing isn't on chains or anything. There's no trainer standing in the wings with a tranquilizer gun. The only thing keeping him from eating me whole is the kid in front of me. But he's a big damned bear. He could probably eat two kids as easily as he could eat one.

So yeah, he comes out and everything's cool.

This is Bear with Treelo. Treelo is a lemur with a speech impediment. You guys think I suck as a public speaker? This lemur has no business being onstage of a major production. I'm constantly having to ignore Dad when he says "What the hell did that green puppet just say?" over and over again. Christ, dad. It's not that important. If you'd just watch the freaking show, you'd know that plot twists never revolve around Treelo because of his speech impediment. Get out more often, Pops.

That's Tammy on the right and Tina on the left with Pip and Pop on the diaper changing table. Honestly, these two crazy broads are the most hyper chicks I've ever seen. Everything they do is exaggerated. In this picture, they're preparing to change an otter's diaper. See how excited they look about this chore? They're all dancing around and shit like "OH MAN!! CHECK IT OUT!! WE GET TO WALLOW IN OTTER SHIT!!!"

Give it a rest, ladies. It's not like you're cracking open a diaper full of Xanax. It's otter shit. Get real.

Here's Bear dancing with Tammy and this guy that looks like Eminem. It was really weird watching this bleached blonde punk dance around with a guy in a bear suit. He was just as hyper and overly-expressive as Tammy. Oh ... and thanks for getting all dressed up for us, Eminem. Good Christ ... would it have KILLED you to actually wear a costume?

Dad made up for being a major dick by buying me a Bear Flashlight and t-shirt during intermission. Everybody in the audience had flashlights and even though Mom kept calling it a "$10 piece of crap", she don't know shit. It's a $10 piece of crap that I'll eventually pick back up. You know ... when I get bored with the 3,000 other toys I own.

So the whole purpose of the show is that they're throwing a surprise party for a mouse named Tutter that you can see next to the cake. And at the end, even though there's a shitload of obstacles that the characters have to go through, the surprise party finally takes place.

The guy standing there with the muscles and the abs and the goofy party hat on his head really didn't belong there. Meaning he looked straight to me. Up until Dad snapped this picture anyway.

Here I am at the end of the show, absorbing all of its insanity. When I look at this picture, I can think of only one thing ... dude ... I could really use a haircut.

My opinion?

If Bear comes to your town, get the best seats you possibly can.

And leave the parents at home.

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