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7:37 a.m. - 2004-08-30

YET ANOTHER REVOLUTIONARY INVENTION FROM THE MIND OF UNCLE BOB

Ahhhhh...

I cleaned everything off this computer yesterday, taking it back to its original factory settings and now I don't have to wait ten minutes for each webpage to download.

God bless me.

I guess I had accumulated quite a lot of crap on this machine because it was crashing about five times a day and it was so badly messed up that it swore there was no such thing as "Google". Every time I'd try to access "Google" it'd tell me no such page existed.

Lying bastard machine.

Anyway, this baby's moving like a dream now.

And I just KNOW that you're glad I shared that with you.


Speaking of babies, my baby sister called me over the weekend to tell me she's pregnant.

She just got married in March and apparently she's one fertile young lassie.

So I'm going to be a new Uncle.

Whee!

Another kid I can bitch about!


Speaking of being an Uncle, my niece is going through some problems.

My sister called to tell me that there's a sheriff's deputy who's stalking my 19 year-old niece.

He went so far as to show up at her place of employment (she works in a hospital as a nurse's assistant or something like that) and tell her boss that he had a warrant for her arrest when he really didn't, just so he could see her.

My sister (who doesn't exactly go for shit like this) called the sheriff and now there's an internal investigation going on against this idiot.

Anyway, my sister's freaking out, which I would be too, I guess.

And my niece, who isn't the brightest bulb in the chandelier, is loving this extra attention.


This entry's been just a cavalcade of fun so far, huh?

Let's lighten the mood a bit.

What's invisible and smells like worms?

A bird fart.


My lovely wife, who is the best wife ever, took a look out at our yard this weekend and said "The yard needs mowed."

I responded with a hacking cough that sounded like I was coughing up a lung.

So she fired up the lawn mower and went and mowed the entire yard.

Well ... not the entire yard. Our neighbors, seeing my wife mowing the yard, grabbed their mower and came and helped her get it all done, knowing that I'm sick.

THAT'S a good neighbor, people.

Screw State Farm.

While I'm feeling better, I still am coughing up a storm and every time I step outside, the humidity messes with my lungs and it KILLLLLS me.

And because of this chest congestion, I've come up with a wonderful invention that will make a billion dollars someday.

Keep in mind ... 25 years ago I came up with the idea of "toothpaint" where a person could "paint" their teeth white and it would last for weeks.

Now we have Crest White Strips and all that other stuff that whitens teeth automatically.

So when I come up with an invention, it's usually a good idea and will make someone else rich.

So here's my new invention.

You swallow this tiny mini sponge, right?

And somehow, this sponge gets routed to your lungs rather than your stomach. I don't know how this would work, that's somebody else's problem, not mine.

This sponge gets in your lungs and expands, absorbing all the fluid in your lungs.

Then, somehow, the sponge disentegrates.

(Once again, that's someone else's problem to solve).

So essentially, you could clear up chest congestion in 24 hours or less.

Yeah.

I'd be sucking on a sponge right about now if someone else had come up with this idea about five years ago.

Instead, it's always up to me to come up with these innovative ideas in order to better humanity.

Jeez.

The weight of the world is constantly on my shoulders.

It sucks to be me sometimes.

But hey ... at least my computer's running fast again!

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