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7:47 a.m. - 2004-12-03

NAKED AND STUPID


Well, thanks to a slew of you people who speak French/Cajun better than I do, I now understand that the name "Thibodeau" has a silent "H" in it.

Here's the deal.

I'm presenting a motion to change that and make the "H" unsilent.

Why?

Because it sounds a whole lot funnier with the "H" in there.

And dammit ... somebody has to take these smug French/Cajun buttwipes down a notch and frankly ... THAT SOMEBODY IS MOI!!

Thith meanth you, Bob THIB-uh-dough.

I'm coming after you with both gunth blaything, thunny boy.


Yeah.

So anyway ... I conducted what has got to be the absolute worst interview in the history of mankind yesterday.

How bad was it?

I had to stop the interview halfway into it ... in order to remove my clothing.

Luckily, it was a phone interview.

Five minutes before I was supposed to call the guy, I went to get my tape recorder and phone microphone.

Found the tape recorder ... but not the mic.

Therefore, the tape recorder is useless.

I now had four minutes to decide how I would take notes for this interview.

I decided that I would put the guy on speaker phone and type in what he said, since I'm a decent typist.

Call the guy.

He starts talking about all this aerospace shit.

And suddenly he's saying stuff like "We manufacture farfullnuggets for the A-52/553 and the BZ90806-44571."

And I'm trying to hear the guy on the speaker phone over the tapping of the keys on the keyboard which isn't going good.

So my portion of the interview had me going "Huh?" and "What?" and "Back up ... what?" a lot.

The guy was getting impatient with me as I came across as a rookie on his first interview.

Since I couldn't hear him over the speaker phone (the constant prodding of me telling him to "SPEAK UP, GODDAMMIT" wasn't working), I removed the phone and positioned it between my shoulder and ear.

But it's a small phone.

So it kept sliding.

Do this for me, since you're sitting at your computer right now. Lift your left shoulder to your ear and try to type.

If you're like me, your left hand is now about four inches away from your keyboard, making it near impossible for you to type.

So you lean in over the keyboard and now you're hunched over it like a pervert secretly downloading kiddie porn on his office computer, trying to keep anyone from seeing your monitor.

Plus, that's one uncomfortable position to be conducting an interview in.

And, like I said, the phone kept sliding.

To the point where I gave up listening to the guy and I just sat there trying to come up with a way to continue conducting the interview in a more efficent way.

So I interupted the guy and said "Can you hold on a second? I have to take my shirt off."

This is a professional, a guy just below the CEO of a company that employs thousands of people.

And he's having to pause so the rookie on the other end can get naked.

In my defense, I figured that the shirt was the main culprit in my inability to keep the phone stationary.

And if I removed it, positioning the phone between my naked shoulder and my ear, that my skin with its natural leatheriness would make for a better phone holder.

So the guy says "Uhhhhh ... sure" and I take the shirt off.

This doesn't work much better. I still can't type because my arm is all up off the keyboard.

And since I never took shorthand in school, my written notes would have been "40 ... helicopter ... sure .... been there .... AP64460-something ... shit."

I finally just. Gave. Up.

Well ... I actually gave up right after I found out that the whole reason I was doing the story was a sham.

My editor said that the company had just signed a multi-million dollar contract that would open up hundreds of new jobs for locals. I was to write a story about how they landed this contract and when these changes would go into effect, etc.

The guy I was interviewing said that actually happened several years ago.

Like 1998.

So it was hardly news now.

I was flustered and shirtless.

So I ended the interview and the guy asked to see a copy of the story before it went to press.

While normally I tell people "no" because that's just the way things are done, this guy has a legitimate reason behind seeing a copy.

And yes ... I turned in my resignation as a freelance writer for the publication this morning.

ETA: I just received an email ... my resignation was NOT accepted. I still have to continue writing at my own pace. Great. I get naked in an interview and can't get fired for doing so. What's wrong with this picture?

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