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6:53 a.m. - 2005-01-05

PLEASE ... RAIN ON MY PARADE

By the way, I watched "Anchorman" and LOVED it.

Which means I have to substitute something else for it on my Top Ten Disappointing Movies of 2004.

I guess I could just say that I was expecting it to be so hilarious that I'd rupture my spleen laughing.

Because that didn't happen. And if it did, I don't know it and am walking around the house with one ruptured-assed spleen which really isn't as bad as everyone would lead you to believe.

Also watched "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle" last night because all the reviews said "This is more than just 'Dude, Where's My Car?' with ethnic characters."

Since I didn't see the "Dude" movie I can't really comment on that comment.

I mean ... I could. But I could rupture my spleen while doing so and that wouldn't be pleasant in the least.

It was an okay movie.

Nothing worth crawling over a pile of humans at the local Blockbuster to try and retrieve.

"Anchorman" was ten times better.

Neil Patrick Harris was good in "Harold".

Seriously ... I shoulda been a film critic with comments like these.

I could see it now ... in the trailer for "Shrek 3" or something, the loud booming Movie Guy's voice says ... "Uncle Bob from the internet says "It's decent enough I guess".

Caffeine?

Anybody got any caffeine for their dear sweet Uncle?



Ahhhh ... thank you, my dear.

Sweet sweet caffeine.

Now maybe I'll start making more sense.



Know what I hate?

Seriously ... I'll tell you if you just ask.

Just say it out loud at a level where you think I can hear you: "Uncle Bob ... what do you hate?"

(This works extremely well in office settings. Scream it out loud from your cubicle ... "UNCLE BOB!!! WHAT DO YOU HATE?!?")

I'll tell you what I hate.

Fucking parades.

Man, do I hate me some parades.

My general beef with parades is that they go so stinkin' slow.

Everybody's going like half a mile an hour down a street while the dullards lined up on either side go "Oooooo!" and "Ahhhhhh!"

People ... it's a tractor covered in Kleenex. It's hardly "ooooaaaah" worthy.

But it's not just any tractor covered in Kleenex ... nope. It's the slowest f'n tractor in the history of the world.

The hog farmer driving the tractor refuses to wave at the crowd who is admiring his work of snot because he's too focused on making sure his tractor doesn't spin out of control and fly into the audience at the amazing speed of two miles an hour.

So everyone stands there for half an hour, admiring the tractor because it won't fucking move along.

Then it's followed by a marching band.

And not just ANY marching band.

This is a marching band that has spent several thousand hours learning Kool and the Gang's "Celebration"!!!

This rendition of the overplayed disco classic is guaranteed to make overweight black women automatically think they're the sexiest beings on the planet and they start shaking their asses and shoving their fists in the air as if there were a Krispy Kreme buffet just dangling three feet above their heads.

The kids of these women see their mothers in such inspired ecstasy that they pick up on the "Celebration" dance moves and they start dancing in the streets as well.

The marching band decides to join in on the fun with some wacky choreography that features them leaning back and taking big steps forward to demonstrate that no matter how many times they were beat up for doing so ... it's still cool to play the French horn to them.

Then ... more Kleenex covered tractors.

Followed by the local shriners in their little cars and their Fez hats.

This is just the kind of entertainment that has the hillbillies in attendance screaming "Ha! Look honey! It's a grown man in a little car driving around in circles! Goddamn! This is one crazy-assed parade!"

And the shriners know this.

They know that their little escapades in their little cars thrill the hillbillies to death.

It's their shining moment each year.

Sure, they help little kids that have been burned and shit.

But making the hillbillies hoot and holler each year is what makes their mission complete.

And make no mistake about it ... no parade is complete without a float that is dedicated to one of the most boring things on the planet.

Nine times out of ten ... that float celebrates the joy of creamed corn.

Driven by a humorless farmer, this float will feature three or four semi-decent looking women holding big glass bowls full of creamed corn as they smile, ladle some corn, and then pour the corn back into the bowl.

And there's usually some nutty phrase that's been glued to the side of the float in colored Kleenex that says something like "There's nothing 'corny' about creamed corn!"

...And all the inbreds on the sides of the street applaud in a stoic manner to let the ladies on the float know that they agree with them 100 percent. When it comes to creamed corn, there's no worthy substitute.

Inevitably, somebody will yell from the crowd "God bless creamed corn!!"

Which will naturally cause even louder applause as the ladies on the float lift their bowls of creamed corn even higher to signify that ... yes ... creamed corn is a work of God ... like that monkey holding up the Lion King.

Cue "The Circle Of Life" as the creamed corn is held up high above the corn queen's heads.

This insanity usually lasts for several hours as tractors are wont to backfire every five minutes, which ... another gripe ... causes the thugs in attendance to slap the waistbands on their boxers to make sure everyone knows they're packin' heat just in case a turf war were to break out in the middle of the parade.

Man.

I hate me some fucking parades.

But ...

Not as much as I hate me some Cojo.

But that's another rant for another time.

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