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7:07 a.m. - 2005-04-01

POPE PIPE DREAMS


Gosh.

I can't believe the Pope is dead.

It seems like yesterday that he was still alive and now ... dead.

I can't believe he suffered from anorexia AND bullimia.

I mean ... you've gotta think that the Pope just isn't/wasn't the type to go kneel by a toilet and vomit up everything he eats just so he can fit into his newest, tightest white robe thing.

And now, sadly, he's dead.

R.I.P. Popey.

1842-2005.


APRIL FOOL'S!!!!

HE'S NOT REALLY DEAD!!!

...Yet, anyway.



Forgive me for being just a little too excited about the Pope's imminent jaunt to Heaven.

Y'see, in 1982 I was in college and I was stumbling back to the dorm, drunker than a Kennedy on New Year's Eve when I figured I needed to make a pit stop at a convenience store in order to get a beer and some Reese's Pieces which were all the rage in '82 thanks to a little alien guy named E.T.

As I crawled to the counter with my beer and candy, I noticed something out of my dimming tunnel vision.

A comic book featuring the Pope who was just starting his Popeage back then.

It set me back a buck fifty which was righteous bucks for an alcoholic college student. That was the equivalent of a six pack of Pabst.

Still, I plunked it down and belched to the poor Iranian behind the counter that someday this shit would put my kid through college.

You know ... if the alcohol didn't render me impotent.

I went home, wrapped the comic in toilet paper and stuffed it in a box.

Today, the toilet paper is brown.

...Brown from age, asshole.

But the comic book is still in mint condition.

And once the Pope kicks the proverbial bucket ... it's going to be worth MILLIONS!!!!

I'm going to retire off of this pristine comic book, I am.

Rich, I'm tellin' ya.

Donald Trump's gonna be my personal butler.

R-I-C-H rich.

Kiss my ass, you blog-reading bastards.

I'm a rich bitch now.

Well.

Just as soon as he croaks.

Then it's biscuits and gravy at every meal, bitch.

'Cause I'll be RRRRRIIIIICCCCCHHHHH!!

(ETA ... I just checked Ebay ... these comics are going for almost $10 right now. Son of a bitch.)

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